Saturday, August 28, 2010

MOVIES I HAVE NO INTENTION OF SEEING THIS WEEKEND


MOVIES I HAVE NO INTENTION OF SEEING THIS WEEKEND

PIRANHA 3D
Starring: A bunch of white people who used to have agents and Ving Rhames as “The Black Guy.”

What’s it about: Really? The name of this excuse to charge an extra $4 for 3D glasses is freakin’ “PIRANHA 3D! Let’s guess, shall we? I’m thinking a bunch of white people (and Ving Rhames as “The Black Guy”) go to a lake and due to a Meth lab blowing up near a sewage line that leads directly into said lake a bunch of Piranhas are exposed to chemicals that turn them into Glenn Beck loving Teabbagers with an appetite for human flesh.

Or some such.

I digress.

Anyways, these plucky lake goers (btw, Richard Dreyfuss is in this movie! WTF dude, owe your coke dealer that much? You couldn’t hock the Oscar?) ..where was I? Oh. Yeah. So, these former stars somehow get into some hardcore partying with a bunch of spoiled teens, who end up fish bait,

Sluts first.

Ving Rhames (as “The Black Guy”) does something really Blackploitation-y and some white guy saves the day and kisses whatever white girl is left as we see that one of the Meth addicted killer Piranhas has survived to live on for “Piranha 3D pt Deux” starring Joyce Dewitt in her comeback turn as a lesbian camp counselor.

Oscar calling.

THE SWITCH

Starring: Jennifer “I’m never gonna be a movie star, am I?” Aniston. Juliette “Yeah, I’m weird. Wanna fuck while I feed my Iguana?” Lewis and some white guy.

What’s it about: Ok, let’s talk. When the second lead female is a woman who probably spends her downtime cutting your ex-husbands’ initials into her inner thigh, I’m thinking you’re probably doing your next to last movie before you start going up against Valerie Bertinelli for a movie of the week over at Lifetime.

Anyways, what’s her name stars in an autobiographical movie about a soon to be middle aged hairdo who has no man and yet, wants to spawn as she realizes that this her last chance.

To have a baby. Or. To have a hit movie. Finally.

In Aniston’s continuing descent into “This Weeks Guest Host on Good Morning Fresno” territory, she eventually fills a Turkey Baster with man goo and somehow Juliette Lewis manages to mix her own Vegan Almond Milk with Jennifer’s future progeny and…well…hilarity ensues.

In another movie.

In another theater.

Honestly, have you, or anyone that you know, EVER paid to see a Jennifer Aniston movie?

That’s what I thought.

Friday, August 20, 2010

IT'S A SECRET, BUT, I'LL TELL YOU.


Need a place to chill on the weekends that has an adult vibe that is a good mix of straight and Gay?

Wanna lay back in comfy couchettes while you scope the talent wandering through a multi-level, upscale environment?

Do't you want to kick it a club with hip Muzak where you can still hold a convo without texting your target, uh, I mean, "new friend"?

Ever wonder why Gay clubs don't have pole dancing?

You have.

You know you have.

I know the place that will fulfill all your needs and add a few you didn't know you had.

It's called SECRET.

In the former lair of the Velvet Lion, SECRET is a large club set up on multiple levels where every couch and table is a good one. The deep chocolates and shimmering golds make everyone look a tad better.

Nearly.

Everyone.

Really.

I swear.

In addition to being a beautiful spot to have a night out with the homies and homettes, SECRET is full of an attractive (and rare in Vegas), diverse staff who treat each person like they actually want you there.

Don't know what you want? Have one of the friendly bar staff whip up a concoction based on your fave flaves.

I did.

You should.

Tonight is Le Opening Grand.

That's French for, "Bitch, get your high heel sneakers and your wig hat, cause we goin' out!"

So, come out and see what the buzz is all about.

But, remember, it's SECRET.

Shhh....

SECRET Boutique & Cabaret 3750 S Valley View Las Vegas
Open Thurs thru Sat nights regularly 10-5am


ROLL DOWN YOUR WINDOWS FOR THE BEST END OF SUMMER JAM EVAH!




Don't even try to tell me that you don't feel this JizzyJam!

Friday, August 6, 2010

IT'S WAR! BITCHEZ. GA GA WARS!



Load your Videophones and your eyeliner up!

Why?

Maybe it's Maybelline?

Uh. No.

It's WAR!

GA GA WAR!

Really.

I swear.

So get your best GA GA on and come on down to CLOSET SUNDAYS @ REVOLUTION LOUNGE for yet another Eduardo Cordova Presents BADASS event.

There's $1500 in cash prizes for the best GA GA looks!

Just think, if you win, you aint gotta flirt with ugly for a cocktail.

I'm jes sayin'.

Like you never.

Bitch. Please.

Are you up for battle?

Prove it Ho.

Get down to CLOSET SUNDAYS @ REVOLUTION LOUNGE this Sunday August 08 1030pm until the last GA GA is standing on 8" of hard heels!

GUEST LIST & VIP RESERVATION CONTACT 702-693-8300

DON'T FORGET TO FOLLOW US ON TWITTER @EDUARDOPRESENTS

CLOSET SUNDAYS @ REVOLUTION LOUNGE
The Mirage Resort & Casino
3400 S. Las Vegas Blvd., Las Vegas, NV 89109

TONIGHT! HOW ABOUT AFTER HOURS ACTION WITH SOME BROTHERS?




Wondering what to do tonight after the Big Hand meets the Little Hand in Vegas tonight?

Wonder no more!

Get yo' self down to the Picardy Suite at the luxurious Paris Hotel and have a chill After Hours Vegas stylee!

There's no charge to enjoy the view and the Vodka drinks are only $5!

Speaking of that view, there's gonna be some FINE man views from around the country that The Vegas Style Guy KNOWS YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS!

BROTHERS
After Hours at The Paris Hotel
Picardy Suite

Free Entry / Full Bar / $5 Vodka Drinks / Fine Bros!

3655 Las Vegas Blvd S, Las Vegas, NV 89109