Starring: You can't possibly care? Right? No. Really?
What it's about: Facebook. I'm slowly wishing I was dying from my own bile.
Let's get real, we all have Facebook pages. Well. I do. I never really bother to see if anyone else has one.
I mean, why?
I'm so interesting.
Speaking of why bother.
Why bother with a movie about Facebook?
I get it free.
And I'm so much more interesting.
Why bother? LET ME IN Starring: Lindsay Lohan, Huggy Bear and Justin Bieber.
What it's about: Lindsay Lohan (between imprisonments and rehab) stars as a girl who never seems to sleep or get cold outside at night. In the winter. Huggy Bear makes his big screen comeback as a creepy drag queen named Pinga Tu Madre who lives in a basement apartment upstairs from Lohan.
Justin Bieber is the unnaturally well hung Lesbian who befriends Lohan only to find out that she is secretly smoking his dope when he goes to junior high everyday. High on tweak and without panties, Lohan wreaks havoc at a local bowling alley where Puta Tu Madre works nights as a security guard.
All turns out well when the cops bust Lohan (yet again) and Bieber and Puta run off to Sinaloa where their love will be accepted, and Bieber can be closer to his connect.
I have no idea and no desire to know what this movie is about.
YOU AGAIN Starring: Jamie Lee Curtis, Betty White, and a bunch of other white people. What It's About: Transgender star Jamie Lee Curtis is a victim of Pelvic Inflammatory Disease in this NSFW comedy. Betty White plays her (his?) Doctor with a taste for hooch.
Hilarity ensues as Jamie Lee asks, "Which one of you Bitches is my Mother?"
I know that when one thinks of Moi, one usually thinks bottle service, VIP lounges with minor local celebrities and massive quantities of Aleve.
One would be surprised to find out that I am actually a rather well read Gay in The Village of Las.
Not only have I read 14 volumes of Winston Churchill's War Diaries, I am proud to have read such tomes as Zsa Zsa Gabor's autobiography (she lost it to a Sultan in 1814 or something), Suzanne Somers books, and pretty much every book with pictures since Jack went up that hill.
Quelle. (That's "we've never won a war", you know, French.)
On Thursday 30 September, the ACLU is hosting an event for the cells upstairs.
"Uncensored Voices: Celebrating Literary Freedom" is a celebration of all that was once considered bad.
Much like Moi.
Considered bad. That is.
Can you imagine that American legends like Allen Ginsberg and that Burroughs fellow were once considered so risque that they were BANNED?
Of course, being banned makes everyone want to run out and possess whatever has been banned. Witness my popularity in certain suburbs of Bucharest.
If you have any good Colombian ,or, possibly a Quaalude you found in an old pair of Bonjour jeans in the back of your closet, you simple must get theeself down to The Clark County Library (it's a place where they keep books. You know. BOOKS.) for this groovy event for the cerebellum.
Here's a list of some of those bringing the Kulcha to our Village Las:
...--Iranian author Moniro Ravanipour, reading from her novel An Angel on Earth. --Las Vegas author Dayvid Figler, reading from Howl, by Allen Ginsberg --Flo Rogers (Nevada Public Radio), reading from 1984, by George Orwell --Kim Russell (Smith Center for the Performing Arts), reading from The Pocketbook Game by Alice Childress --Georgia Neu (Anti-Defamation League), reading from Mrs. Warren's Profession by George Bernard Shaw --Dr. Amanda Morgan (Erotic Heritage Museum) --Professor Timothy O'Grady (Black Mountain Institute Bennett Fellow) --Local philanthropist Beverly Rogers, reading from The Color Purple --Activist Xuan Carlos Espinoza-Cuellar, reading from Bless Me, Ultima by Rudolfo Anaya --Students from the Green Valley High School theater department, with monologues from The Laramie Project
I'm exhausted from just thinking about all that talent sharing air avec Moi! (that's "our women do not need to shave the hair of their underarms!" You know, French.)
The event will take place during the American Library Association’s Banned Books week, which runs from September 25-October 2nd, 2010. Programs are held across the country each year to draw attention to the many well-known and well-loved literary works that are frequently challenged or banned in communities nationwide.
Uncensored Voices will be a compelling and entertaining evening that teaches everyone about the real risks of censorship in society, both past and present.
Event Details: • Thursday, September 30; Reception at 7PM, Program at 7:30PM • Clark County Library Theater, 1401 E. Flamingo Road, Las Vegas • Free admission & refreshments • Sponsored by the Vegas Valley Book Festival, the ACLU of Nevada, the Las Vegas-Clark County Library District, and UNLV's Black Mountain Institute.
There's one secret only a select few know about Moiself.
No, not the time I was deported from Her Majesty's Kingdom.
Well. The truth of the matter is that in spite of my rather, how we say, saucy reparte (that's stinky cheese eater, you know French), I am actually quite, um, prudish.
Yup. It's true Selena Gomez, I am rather squeamish when it comes down to the actual messy messy thing.
You. Know. Sex.
I blush whilst writing at the mere thought of chains, whips, diuretics and cheap motels south of The Luxor.
Where was I?
Oh. Yes. Sex.
So. When the sexy et urbane J.D. Jensen invited Moiself and my bestie Chris Miller to see the long running production "Naked Boys Singing" at the Onyx Theater, I blushed as Chris jumped at the chance to see danglies mere feet in front of us.
As the show started I got that feeling one gets going up in a roller coaster that you only got on to please the guy that you ended up leaving after he screamed like a little Bitch during the 2 minutes 35 that the ride took to go all the way through.
Was that a dangling participle?
Speaking of dangling, Oh My Gawd Chandler Bing!
Right there. On stage.
Penis's. Peni? Penises?
Big. Small. In between.
Goldilocks could have been there forever trying to make a decision.
Honestly. When am I not?
I spent the first twenty minutes trying to look anywhere but straight ahead. I can tell you about the pianist, the curtains and the back of the panting man in the front rows head.
Anything but the peen.
Then, as if by magic, I began to realize something.
These boys could sing!
Not only sing, but, sing little ditties about Robert Mitchum and being "The Best Little Porn Star from Skokie, Illinois"! They had me laughing and,occasionally, ready to get misty with their renditions.
There were funny songs, melancholy odes to the love that got away ,but, never went away and even a really clever number that reduced all of the wangs nicknames into a rousing little anthem complete with choir robes.
Not actually robes. More like the little stringy things that go around the necks of altar boys.
No, silly, not priests fingers!
I had to.
I guess what I'm saying is that if you like great singing and well written songs along with gratuitous weenie, then you simply must go see "Naked Boys Singing."
A word. To the wise.
Don't sit in the front row.
It's the splash zone.
NAKED BOYS SINGING
THE ONYX THEATER 953 E SAHARA (IN THE COMMERCIAL CENTER IN THE RACK CLOTHING STORE) 89104
Performances Friday / Saturday / Sunday
Hint: Get a season pass to The Onyx and see several shows for the price of one overpriced Clowns on a high wire doing acrobatics acid trip on The Strip show.
Occasionally, one might just be short of El Presidente Muerta.
That, in and of itself, is bad enough. Now. Add hunger.
Fret no more Flaca.
Now there is a place smack dab in the middle of my part of Le Village Las. A place that has undergone the kind of transformation that would make Joan Rivers cry.
If her tear ducts weren't currently located on the nape of her neck.
This place of city chic?
Hold your hats and hallelujah, The Style Guy is gonna give it to ya!
The Gold Spike Hotel and Casino is the kind of place that used to make fleas think twice about stopping in. I jest you not. Back in the day you used to be able to smell this place from LAX. The sharp scent of skank would assault you like a Panzer division visiting a small Polish village.
Someone obviously took a heavy duty steam cleaner and a course from HGTV and turned this former dump into a rather swell little gem for travelers on Le budget.
But, unlike The Strip which we locals avoid like Lindsay Lohan avoids a urine test, The Gold Spike has something that works for us too. The Coffee Shop at The Gold Spike is where the $4.99 Prime Rib of yore went to reinvent itself like Cher on a budget.
Everything about the place is, well, pleasant. The staff is extremely friendly and the decor is modern in a David Bromstead sort of way. White plastic chairs look perfect next to bleached, jagged rock walls. Unlike many coffee shops, you aren't assaulted with nasty fluorescent lighting that makes you feel like Marilyn Manson on the walk of shame after a hard night. It's bright and airy.
You can enjoy the food here. What I mean by that is, unlike other cheap places, you aren't eating here only because it's cheap. The spaghetti and meatballs is old fashioned somebody's mom made it good. The salads are all huge, with crisp, fresh ingredients. The fabled $4.99 Prime Rib may not be like the Prime Rib at Ruth Chris's, but, you also have change from a twenty after buying a cheap date a good meal.
And who doesn't like that?
A cheap date.
THE GOLD SPIKE HOTEL AND CASINO COFFEE SHOP 217 LAS VEGAS BLVD N 89101
This week Chris & Laura are off activisting (it’s a word, like “refudiate”) in Reno this weekend at a “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” protest.
Well, that leaves this Lunatic in charge of the asylum! I’ve got two very special co-hosts this weekend, author Mary Jo Buttafuoco, KVBC and “Access Hollywood” reporter Alicia Jacobs!
THIS WEEK’S GUESTS:
Stampp Corbin who will be giving us his take on the current state of LGBT activism and it’s affect on LGBT voter turnout in the upcoming mid-term elections.
Ari Ezra Waldman, The Sausage Factory’s resident “Legal Eagle”, gives us the latest on where “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” stands from a legal point of view.
Allen Lichenstein from the ACLU will tell us about “Uncensored Voices, Celebrating Literary Freedom”.
Shannon Cuttle is on hand to explain why we need to push for an inclusive “Safe Schools Act” bill to protect LGBT students from bullying & Discrimination.
Nathaniel Phillipps, Chairman of the new Las Vegas GLSEN chapter and Director of Youth Outreach for Stonewall Democrats of Southern Nevada will also be with us to discuss what needs to be done to make our schools here in Nevada safe for every student.
Phil Attey answers the question, “can you be Catholic and Gay”?
There’ll will be naked boys and they’ll be singing in The Sausage Factory as JD and the boys tell us all about the longest running show Off Strip, “Naked Boys Singing”.
Jeff Sharlett is the hottest author in the country right now and he’s on hand to tell us about his latest page turner which explores the creepy world of “The Family”. You’ll cringe as you realize that Hillary Clinton’s “vast right wing conspiracy” is really true and it all emanates from a brownstone, “The C Street House”. Naturally, it wouldn’t be a scandal if John Ensign and Martin Ssempa weren’t involved. They are and it is, a scandal!
Octavia Hamlett is our guest for this week’s “Ask a Tranny”. I can’t wait to see what Mary Jo and Alicia have to ask!
Christina Garcia of “Basta 4 Bell” has a big victory on her hands with this week’s arrest of the entire City Council of Bell, California! She’ll fill us in on how grassroots activism brought down an entire government.
ALL ON THE SAUSAGE FACTORY!
JEFF SHARLETT ON "THE C STREET HOUSE"
MARY JO BUTTAFUOCO ON LIFE AFTER JOEY
ALICIA JACOBS REPORTING ON THE STRANGE DEATH OF MICHAEL JACSON
Not often does moiself come across a bar where the moment I walk in the barkeep says, "your usual?"
Well, fret no more Tara Reid, there's a new place in my village where everybody knows your name.
And your drink.
And at the end of the day, that's really all that matters.
Well. Crews 'N is the newest hang in the Village of Las Vegas. It even has a VIP room. Ok, it might be more of a non smoking room with food. But. Whatever.
Here's what's muy importante.
It's hella cheap to make like Kitty Dukakis here.
Before she stopped the whole drinking hairspray thing.
Hmm, Aquanet. Not really seeing that working with Olives.
Where was I?
It's conveniently located (For me and that's all that really matters. For me.) at Sahara and The Commercial Center. Did I mention that it's hella cheap? I'm talking two 4 one on Sundays from like whenever 'till 7pm. I just bought a whole bunch of vodka and I still have change from Moi's Jackson.
Andrew, not Tito.
Ok, I actually think I'm already experiencing a hangover and not only am I still still here (Omg Heather! Live Blogging! Well, drunk blogging. Whatever. Bitch.), but, I have two more drink tickets left!
OH. MY. GAWD. CHANDLER. BING!
Did I mention that I'm the Four Square Mayor Here?
Ok, really lame play on words coming.
Stop what you're doing and cruise on in to Crews 'N right as soon as you get the ankle bracelet off Lindsay!
Crews 'N, where the drinks are cheap and the guys are a whole lot better looking after two hours of two 4 one!
CREWS 'N 1000 E. SAHARA LAS VEGAS NV 89104
Hours: I don't know until whenever you throw up on your best friend.
The Sausage Factory is for those of you who’ve grown tired of those who quote Glenn Beck and politicians who talk out of both sides of their mouths. Surely you’ve thought, “Gee, why isn’t there a show that mixes politics, entertainment. Gay crap and life all in one easily digestible package?”
In a world under attack by right wing whack jobs and boring people, two Gay guys (we are NOT together!) and a sassy, straight, light skinned Black girl bring you laughs and, hopefully, learn you something while we’re at it.
Join Chris Miller, Laura Martin and Derek Washington as they take you behind the scenes from DC to Hollywood to show you how life is made. That is if you’re brave enough to hear the truth, in The Sausage Factory.
This week’s guests are:
10:23 Peter Yacobellis with the week in New York politics and all the latest on his very special 50th Birthday party featuring Michelle Clunie & Lance Bass. He’s not 50? Really? Wow.
10:45 Ask a Tranny with Equality Nevada’s own Jane Heenan. And yes, this segment does have the catchiest theme song this side of Fresno.
11:00 Joseph Smith from Stonewall will tell us about the record number of LGBT candidates this year in Maryland. Can’t wait to find out what’s in the water there! And can we ship it nationwide?
11:26 Phil Attey answers the question, “can you be Gay and Catholic”? Openly, that is.
11:43 Nadine Smith gives us a peek inside the world of Marco Rubio, Kendrick Meeks and the newly Gay lovin’ Charlie Crist from her vantage point at Equality Florida. Maybe we’ll find out what’s in Charlie’s closet. Other than his beard…combs.
12:12 Mark Ebner is in the house to blow the lid off the pot ‘O scandal that’s brewing in Tinseltown and points far and near. Can’t wait to find out what’s inside Paris’s snatc..uh, bag of goodies these days.
12:28 J Webb with the latest in Sports. Poor JWebb, every week he thinks he’ll finally get Derek to understand the difference between a tight end and a good date. Hmmm.
12:40 Derrick Mathis brings a little color commentary from The Hills. Baldwin Hills, that is. Y’all come on down now, ya here?
Twitter Trenz is always “educational” with Laura “Light Skin” Martin leading us down the Rabbit hole to the land of twits.
The Sausage Factory. Four out of five Ex-Gays agree, it’s the best place to start your relapse.
MOVIES I HAVE NO INTENTION OF SEEING THIS WEEKEND I’M STILL HERE Starring: The dirty currently living Phoenix brother. What it’s About: Who the fuck cares or knows? I had the distinct displeasure of standing outside of LAVO one night waiting for the lumpy currently living Phoenix to come out to give a “statement” on his new “career” as a “rapper”. Having an Oscar at home I wondered why this fat hairy tool was making “Malibu’s Most Wanted part Deux”? When Schlomo finally appeared, I noticed the distinct smell of wasting my muthafuckin’ time in the air.
Wrong, I was not.
Let’s get something straight here.
A line you won’t here from moiself all that often.
But, I digress.
Where was I?
To be perfectly honest, the only member of the Phoenix clan that was even slightly interesting is the one who ate the curb outside of the Viper Room in ’93. Not the broad, Rainwater, Landslide, whatever the fuck her name is. Not the youngest one. And certainly not this one. Why would I want to spend over 10 minutes of my breathing time ,let alone what’s probably going to feel like 3 months in a car with a Blonde FOX news anchor experiencing this “mockumentary”?
I have much better things to do.
Much. GOING THE DISTANCE Starring: Drew Barrymore and Justin Long What It’s About: Who cares, I have a penis. THE LAST EXORCISM Starring: Miley Cyrus, Screech from “Saved by The Bell”, Felipe Calderon and Betty White. What It’s About: White trash wannabe Miley Cyrus is inexplicably drawn to bad boy Screech (in his first non porn role since Celebrity Fat Rehab). Her Grandmother (Betty White) calls on the services of her ex pimp Felipe Calderon to perform an exorcism ,or, if that doesn’t work, put her on The Stroll so she can start “payin’ some bills up in this bitch. I turned my first trick at half her age!”
Miley and Schreech end up turning out Calderon, who will forever have to live down his nude scene (was it THAT cold on set?) with Screech.
Ok, I’m making this shit up.
But, honestly, wouldn’t you rather sit through my version than the crapfest you know this pile of Ca Ca is?