When I was little kid we always went to Schaumberg to do our shopping. Something about Evans Furs being located there.
Well, they also had really big modern stores. Nothing like Marshall Fields or Carson's. Those were STORES! Big and dramatic. The type of place that had windows that made you take a special trip downtown to see.
A Future homo of America's training ground.
As it were.
We also did all of our grocery shopping in the suburbs. Mind you we lived at 70th place and South Shore drive. Right across the street from the whites only country club where if you looked over the wall you could see blond girls riding their horses on the beach.
In the middle of a black hood.
Sorta South Africaesque.
The revolution didn't need to be televised, it was in my front yard.
Of course, the reason we went to the suburbs is that after all week of dealing with my people, my mother, Babs, was tired of Negroes and needed to get into her Thunderbird and deal with people with some sense. Plus, as I found out later, the products in the suburbs were newer and the food was fresher and cheaper. I will never forget the first time we went to a store in the neighborhood (middle class mind you) and saw what passed for vegetables. Blech.
Well, that first time we went to the ghetto we were shopping for my fathers families Christmas gifts. "Those people, the Washington's", according to Babs when she was being nice.
When she wasn't being nice, well, you would understand where I get my demure yet make a sailor put his dick back in his pants at a Turkish whorehouse potty mouth from.
"It's not your cousins Cricket and Nods fault they have the mothers' that they do, so we have to go to the West Side and buy them SOMETHING though I know they aren't getting you anything", said Babs through clenched teeth.
They never did. I was always "Barbara's son".
Not a Washington.
"Get out of my car now! We're going to see Santa while we're here!" Mom barked in her low soothing yet "oh fuck you knew you better move it" dulcet tones.
WELL! There he was!
Surrounded by pickaninnies with poor clothing choices and those little black girl balls in their unpressed hair was.....
A skinny old Colored man in a stolen Santa suit.
"Stay here in line, I'll be back", mom took off in a sea of poor dark people all Evans fur and leather looking way too cute for the room.
Needless to say there was no way I was going to get in that mans lap and have him fuck up my Christmas order. My order at Harold's Fried Chicken never came with the ketchup already on the fries so I knew this fool was not getting me the Hot Wheels set with the Pace Car Camaro and the double looped track.
And the other children said things like "I seen" and "La Q'Shwan I'm gonna fuck you up if you don't stop it!" while they wiped snot from their noses with their cheap coats and then chased each other with it.
Aw, hells to the no.
I waited to the side and tried to hold my breath.
That night, my sainted father (step but the best father ever!FUCK I'M CRYING!RIP dad.)Perry Washington who was the lightest black man you ever did see, asked me how it went with Santa.
I told him how they had all of these nasty children and some old Colored man who had stolen Santa's suit and I never got my chicken right at Harold's and besides, Santa was white.....
That night I found out there was no Santa.
He wasn't white.
Black people were every bit as good as white people.
Poor kids had poor parents and I should be thankful that my parents had good jobs and cared enough about me to see that I was well dressed and lived in a nice home.
AND SANTA CLAUS WAS A MAN NAMED PERRY WARREN WASHINGTON.
And that is how I found out that Santa Claus didn't exist.
Moi is used to being stared at upon entering a restaurant.
When I arrive at my fave McDonalds, they know to fire up the fryer and let the good times roll. Making my entrance at Krazy Kitchen buffet, it's "oh here come large yellow man, hide Salmon roll! Leave some other people!"
As Moi and Moi's bestie Christopher sauntered into some Gawdawful casinoette on Industrial near a, ahem, "library" that Christopher was familiar with, the men all paused as I walked into the room.
And not in a good way.
I am quite sure that the music stopped, jaws dropped and the theme song from "Deliverance" floated in from a dimly lit alcove played by what looked like the evil spawn of John McCain and Rhea Pearlman.
"Are you sure this is the place the locals know as "the best Chinese food in Vegas"?, I asked of Chris.
"Keep going to the back", Chris growled. Mind you, he had had one of "those" weeks. A week so "those" that we had foregone our usual drinking in favor of food!
I hustled past a neck that was as red as any Sheriff's in Jim Crow Alabama neck ever was. I flung open the door and all of a sudden, I was in Hong Kong circa "Suzie Wong."
Nothing fancy, but, obviously authentic. There were an equal number of customers and employess.
Somehow. I knew I was home.
I took one look at the menu and was transported back to my days in L.A. at four am with my friends (Cher, Christina Aguilera, Brittany Spears and Gore Vidal. Well, until Christina became a bitch.) all sucking up mounds of food in Chinatown until the sun came up.
On the menu were Salted Chicken ($8.50 half/$16 whole), Beef with Melon ($8.50) Hot Braised Snow Fish ($14.95) and, of course, Shark Fin soup. I will not eat Shark Fin Soup, it is completely wrong to kill a shark just for the fin.
I will, however, wear a Chinchilla and I don't care what you do with the carcass.
Suck it PETA.
Where was I?
Oh. Yes. Diamond Chinese!
I had heard often about this place and have to say that it more than lived up to the hype. I ordered my "tester" dish that I always order when I 'm deciding on whether or not a Chinese joint is going to see my substantial rear end again.
I ordered "House Special Egg Foo Young"($8.95). And I dared them to impress me.
Oh. My. Gawd. Chandler Bing!
It was perfectly crisp on the outside and had just the right mix of eggs and veggies for the filling. Adorned with paper thin slices of BBQ Pork and meaty soft Scallops, Steamed Chicken and melt in your mouth Fish Fillets all wrapped up in a delicious gravy, it was eaten by my eyes before I even touched it with my utensil!
We split an order of Sliced Chicken with Cashew Nuts ($8.25) as well and it did nothing to shake me of the idea that I was loving this place.
I noticed the one thing that cemented my relationship with Diamond Chinese.
I side door.
No more Rednecks for Moi! I can come and go without a busload of Freedom Riders to protect me on my way to Le Heaven Gastronomique!
Get the to the best Chinese Food in town, Diamond Chinese!
MOVIES I HAVE NO INTENTION OF SEEING THIS WEEKEND YOGI BEAR 3D Starring: Yogi Bear (Lucille McGillicuddy), Boo Boo (Ethel Mertz).
What It’s About: In a first for Lesbian porn, Yogi Bear 3D follows the mishaps and erotic misadventures of a pair of Kooky and Kinky “Furries” let loose in the wilds of Yosemite National Park. Mirth and Mayhem are the order of the day as the hennaed red head and the frowsy blonde seek to make Yosemite a Sapphic playground against the puritanical wishes of the local Park Ranger (Mackenzie Phillips) . It, of course, all ends with a honey slathered romp with a young Bear cub (Juliette Lewis) who is bi-curious and ready for fun! Why I won’t be seeing it: Lesbian Furry Porn is bad enough.Furry Vag in 3 freakin' D just gives this homo the creeps. Yikes! HOW DO YOU KNOW?
Starring: Reese Witherspoon (Madame in her first starring role since the death of Waylon Flowers), Owen Wilson, Jack “Where the white woman at?!” Nicholson and that one white guy who’s in pretty much every movie I’ve hated in the last five years. What It’s About: WTF!?! Is this National “Gals who love Gals” month or what? Reese (Madame) is a down and out 60 year old softball player who …WAIT! Ok, at this point I would normally make up what this dreck is about, BUT the actual description is WAY more insipid than anything I could ever think up. Here is what it’s REALLY about: “Reese Witherspoon’s entire life has been defined by softball, but at 31, she is deemed too old to play and cut from the team. After being cast adrift, she begins a fling with Matty (Owen Wilson), a charming womanizer who plays professional baseball. About the same time, she goes on a blind date with George (Paul Rudd), a businessman on the hook for stock fraud. Caught in a romantic triangle with the two men, Lisa ponders the meaning of love.” Why I Won’t Be Seeing It: “Reese Witherspoon’s entire life has been defined by softball, but at 31, she is deemed too old to play and cut from the team. After being cast adrift, she begins a fling with Matty (Owen Wilson), a charming womanizer who plays professional baseball. About the same time, she goes on a blind date with George (Paul Rudd), a businessman on the hook for stock fraud. Caught in a romantic triangle with the two men, Lisa ponders the meaning of love.”
WHAT THE SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR IS THIS SHIT?!?
Combine that actual description with the fact that “Chester the Molester” Nicholson hasn’t missed a chance to show his hairy, saggy, old man titties in any movie he’s been in over the last twenty years and I just have to think I’d have a much better time singeing my pubes slowly while squatting over the burners on my stove.
How Do You Know? Why would I care?
TRON: LEGACY 3D Starring: One of the guys who used to be Flipper’s brother, I think. Some white guy. Some white girl. What It’s About: Ok, look. I am not nor have I ever been a Nerd. I have never pleasured myself in my mom’s basement while watching Carrie Fisher tied up in a two piece with Cinnabuns on the side of her head while she writhed for the amusement of Rush Limbaugh (as Jabba the Hut) in Star Wars 16 or whatever it was. I was in Student Body and made fun of people who could speak in Wookie.
WHY WOULD I CARE WHAT THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT? Why I Won’t Be Seeing It: I tend to see myself as on the cutting edge and Ecstasy is OVER Gurlfriend! It’s sooo KLF and I can’t imagine that this crapfest would be bearable without at least two hits.
Moi loves a $5 drink whether it is Vodka (potato juice) or Beer.
But you knew that.
Of course you did.
Where was I?
My fave place to drink, dance and partay like it’s 2009 is “Closet Sundays” at The Revolution Lounge. The world’s most adorablest promoter, Eduardo Cordova, has been hosting Closet Sundays at the Revolution Lounge ever since I first turned 21 a couple of years ago.
Get your own blog and you can decide on your age. Bitch.
TONIGHT Diva Kimberly Cole will be performing and the Go Go’s will be Go Going starting at ten pm and going until your fairy Godmother says, “give me back my Crystal Disco Pumps!
Swish on over to CLOSET SUNDAYS at The Revolution Lounge in The Mirage Resort & Casino tonight!
CLOSET SUNDAYS REVOLUTION LOUNGE THE MIRAGE RESORT & CASINO
3400 Las Vegas Boulevard South Las Vegas, NV 89109
REVIEW: David Sedaris’ “The Santaland Diaries” starring Jamie Morris
The Onyx Theater 953 E Sahara (in The Commercial Center) Bldg 16
December 9-12, 2010 4 Performances ONLY
I am very upset that I saw “The Santaland Diaries” starring Jamie Morris late on Saturday night.
I wish I had seen it Friday so that I could have beat the bushes to tell everyone to catch the last two performances of the weekend. Jamie Morris is not only a talented playwright and satirist, he is also quite a good little actor. I have no idea how long this show is because not once did I check my Android to see what was going on outside of The Onyx Theater as I was simply beguiled by Morris’s skill at holding an entire audiences attention.
David Sedaris is quite a little imp himself and I feel that he would have gladly sat back and roared with laughter as I did if he were to see this spot on production of his holiday classic short story about a soon to be having a mid-life chrisis Soap Opera extra wannabe who ends up as the world’s wryest Elf at Macy’s. While the Elf dreams of having smart cocktails with the Buchanan’s and the Quartermaine’s in the one to two pm block of afternoon TV, his reality is boorish oafs from New Jersey (Are there any other kind? I’m jes sayin”.) and a Macy’s demanded “Elf name”.
His is “Crumpet”.
You would surely understand if he takes a swig from his flask ever so often.
Crumpet takes us from his Elf training sessions (picture the Death Marches of Bataan with a peppy Japanese warlord leading the way.) to the locker room where one of the more fetching Elfs might just be flirting his way into a bathroom scene right out of “Born Innocent” (starring Linda Blair as the whorish Elf). The forced frivolity starts as soon as he is thrown into a roomful of Soap Opera extras and, to put it kindly, weirdos who seem to think that asking if they can were their Elf costumes home is a perfectly reasonable request.
Morris keeps you not only entertained, but, interested.At no point did I notice the fact that this was a one man show. Morris is so good as the bitchy little, too clever for his own good Crumpet, that between him and the excellent set, staging, lighting and source material you never miss any other possible actors. He gives such dead on impersonations of dozens of characters that you automatically see them in your head and fill the stage yourself with his wit and your own imagination.
He’s that good.
My only disappointment with “The Santaland Diaries” is that it ends tonight.
Put your jacket own and get thee to The Onyx Theater now!
Walking into the gigantic new H&M store at The Forum Shops in my little burgh I was actually taken aback at the ultraness of the fab.
Giant Disco balls reminded me of long nights and early mornings a long, long time ago.
H&M is the fabbest of the fab new places to spend one's ducats on the ultimate in stylish clothes for skinny people on a budget. This new store at The Forum Shops is by far and away the largest H&M outlet in the entire Mundo and it ROCKS! I can't tell you the last time I saw so much fashion under $50 that wasn't at a Salvation Army.
I just can't.
Because poor vous could not be there, I've included a little video of the VIP Grand Opening party of which I have just departed.
I played Santa in the 1st grade production of “The Night Before Christmas”. I was born for the role. I was cute. I was cherubic. I had rosy cheeks.
I was the fattest 1st grader that Reavis Elementary School had ever seen
Born. For. The. Role.
How about your worst job?
I was the graveyard shift worker at a lab in El Monte where I grew mold.
I was born for the job.
When I first saw the Uber talented Jamie Morris in “Mommie Queerest”, I knew he was born for the role. Maybe it was something about the arch in his brow.
Or the insanity just behind his rouge.
But much like that proverbial feline with nine lives, Morris was reborn as Mrs. Garrett in “The Facts of Life: The Lost Episode.”
Born. To. Play. The. Role.
AND THEN! Along comes Morris in “The Silence of the Clams” as Hannibal Lichter.
Zut Alors! That’s French for WTF!?!
Now, Jamie is back as everyone’s fave slacker elf in David Sedaris’s “The Santaland Diaries”.
You’ve heard of “Jolly Saint Nick” and even “Bad Santa”. In “The Santaland Diaries” you meet the first ever holiday “Elf Bitch.” This little candy striped curmudgeon and his wry take on everything Macy’s during the most wonderful time of the year will make you glad you completed that typing class at Devry. From his Elf training to the indignities of working with people he normally wouldn’t sit next to on the subway, this poor schlub is funnier than your pill poppin’ aunt Gina on Egg Nog at Midnight Mass.
This is the holidays as seen through a pack of Marlboros and a Whiskey Sour.
Let’s face it, everyone really hates the holidays whether you admit it or not. And that, meine fruende, is why you have to come down to The Onyx Theater and commiserate with your fellow holiday revelers as you laugh till you pee (just a little) in your pants at “The Santaland Diaries”
Soon you’ll have to spend time with your loved ones.
You’re gonna need a good laugh to get you through that n’est pas?
Performance Dates: Thursday - December 1, 2011 at 08:00 PM - Open Seating Friday - December 2, 2011 at 08:00 PM - Open Seating Saturday - December 3, 2011 at 08:00 PM - Open Seating Sunday - December 4, 2011 at 05:00 PM - Open Seating Thursday - December 8, 2011 at 08:00 PM - Open Seating Friday - December 9, 2011 at 08:00 PM - Open Seating Saturday - December 10, 2011 at 08:00 PM - Open Seating Sunday - December 11, 2011 at 05:00 PM - Open Seating
**The Santaland Diaries is presented by special arrangement with Dramatists Play Services, Inc., New York**
If vous (that would be YOU) know anything about Moiself (and vous do.), you simply must know that my fave place to put on my wig hat and high heeled sneakers is REVOLUTION LOUNGE at The Mirage Resort & Casino.
Another one of my loves happens to be little happy children.
You have to come pick them up before they get into my Beluga.
Where was I?
Oh yes, happy children.
Moi also just J’adores QVegas Magazine which is home to all that is Gay in my little burgh.
When you put all of that in a cocktail shaker, what do you get?
You get QUENCH , the latest super duper from the genials over at QVegas!
Fab I say. Fab!
Qvegas has teamed up with Aid for AIDS Nevada to provide a bunch of little kids a happy Christmas at QUENCH tonight! The soiree begins at 7pm and goes on until 9pm.
What you do with your time after that is not my business.
Text me in the morning.
Unless you are in the hokey. Call someone else for that.
I’m not interested in the hokey. Just the pokey.
I’m jes sayin’….
The first twenty people to show up avec toy win a pair of tickets to Madame Tussaud’s!
You know, the place with the wax people.
No, silly, not Sun City Anthem!
Make sure you bring a lovely happy kid making toy and join the merriment at QUENCH tonight!
QUENCH @ REVOLUTION LOUNGE 7-9pm Thursday December 9, 2010 The Mirage Resort and Casino 3400 S. Las Vegas Blvd., Las Vegas, NV 89109
TEAM BATTLE BORN VOLUNTEERS NEEDED FOR THE ANNUAL “ROCK & ROLL MARATHON” FOR CHARITY!
It’s that time of year again. Rock & Roll time! Every year we get together progressive groups and fun folks to man water stations at the “Rock & Roll Marathon” charity run. This Sunday it’s time to get out there and support the thousands of runners participating in this run for charity.
It’s a lot of fun and the runners REALLY appreciate us being out there. I was shocked last year at how many bothered to say “thank you” as they grabbed water and sped off.
This year, our team name is our great state’s motto, ‘BATTLE BORN”. As we know from the last election, us progressives are definitely up for battle! We meet really early, but there’ll be plenty of donuts and coffee to keep you energized! We also will be having a no cost raffle that all of our volunteers will be entered in just for participating! The winners will receive one of several prizes including massages and a “Food Healing Party” for 10!
AND we have the only station with a LIVE BAND to entertain us!
Here’s what you need to do in order to sign up. Make sure you sign up with “BATTLE BORN”!
Please follow the link below to sign up for our water station at the 2010 Zappos.com Rock ‘n’ Roll Las Vegas Marathon & ½ Marathon to benefit the Crohn’s & Colitis Foundation of America on December 5, 2010. Please select our group from the Water Station drop-down menu.
Please include your email address when you register because I will be forwarding you parking information and more details via email as the event gets closer.
PLEASE ARRIVE BETWEEN 5:00-5:30AM
CALL 702 576 4978 IF YOU NEED A RIDE
If you have questions, please contact the water station Captains:
Chris Miller at email@example.com 702-576-4978 text or call
Derek Washington at firstname.lastname@example.org 702-576-4978 text or call
MOVIES I HAVE NO INTENTION OF SEEING THIS WEEKEND 04 Dec 2010
LOVE AND OTHER DRUGS Starring: That one sorta hot white guy with the eyes too close together that has a not very attractive sister who more than makes up for it because she dresses really cool but I can never remember her name. I think it’s Agnes. Anne “I really know how to pick ‘em” Hathaway. Some white girl.
What It’s About: Drug dealer (that sorta hot guy) meets Hathaway and they spend a weekend in a Modesto Siegal Suites room waiting for his connect (Wilmer Valder what’s his name. You know, Fez.) to show up with some really good new stuff called “ICE”. Hathaway and the other white girl get really bored waiting and have a pillow fight in their panties when Hathaway says that Mary Ann is way hotter than Ginger (as if). Fez shows up just in time to YouTube the whole thing on his Android. It all ends in boredom as Hathaway finally realizes her ex fiancé is a total fraud (three years after they broke up, btw.) and leaves the room to “call my fucking agent for getting me into this dreck!” Why I Won’t Be Seeing It: I can’t sit for two hours looking at a Siegel Suites room. Especially now that I don’t do drugs anymore. THE NEXT THREE DAYS Starring: Serial Dick, Russell Crowe. That one guy and some white girl. What it’s about: Ok. In between throwing cell phones at the help (who the fuck does Crowe think he is? Naomi Campbell?) and studying “Boorish Behavior for Dummies”, Crowe made what promises to a dreckish story about his wife who is accused of murder. Why I Won’t Be Seeing It: It doesn’t ring true. Think about it. If you were married to Russell Crowe and on trial for murder, wouldn’t you have killed him, meaning there was really no reason for him to have shown up on set? Right? MORNING GLORY Starring: Harrison Ford, Annie Hall and (let’s say it all together!) SOME WHITE GIRL!
What It’s About: I really don’t care. I am sure there’s either a fashion montage or a nervous white girl balances coffee as she holds a clipboard running down the hall away from the lecherous Cryptkeeper (Harrison Ford) right before the big moment where she turns in the tape that is going to scoop every show in town. Oh. Wait. That was “Broadcast News”. Never mind. Question? How the H-E-double toothpicks did Annie Hall end up in a movie with The Kryptkeeper? Is it THAT bad for women of “Un Certain Age”? Did he know that any women over the age of 19 would be in a movie with him? I thinketh not. Blechfest!