MOVIES I HAVE NO INTENTION OF SEEING THIS WEEKEND

JUSTIN BIEBER IN 3D

STARRING: Lesbian Pop Star Justin Bieber and various older Black Hip Hop stars.

WHAT IT'S ABOUT: The rise of 3D Lesbian Tweener focused cinema and a really annoying haircut that will come back to haunt millions of High School yearbook pictures.

WHY I WON'T BE SEEING IT: Is it even legal for me to look at Justin Beiber? Let alone in 3D!

THE NEW JENNIFER ANISTON MOVIE

STARRING: Jennifer Aniston

WHAT IT'S ABOUT: Jennifer Aniston

WHY I WON'T BE SEEING IT: Jennifer Aniston

SANCTUM

STARRING: Some White people.

WHAT IT'S ABOUT: James Cameron's Colombian connection calls in a long ago never paid for order of crude, two kilos to be exact, and wants Cameron to produce "this leetle screept Yo has beeeen working on", or else.

Ok.

Maybe that's not how it happened.

Maybe Linda Hamilton (Camerons' ex) lawyered up and wanted to add to her half a billion dollar divorce settlement and Arnold wasn't yet out of the Guvvie Mansion ,so, he threw this together to keep her in pool boys?

Maybe?

I HATE James Cameron movies that do not include Linda Hamilton.

End of discussion.

Good day Sir.

I said good day!

ANOTHER YEAR

STARRING: Some old White people I have never heard of but I don't get to indie film fests in Sheboygan much.

Anymore.

WHAT IT'S ABOUT: Depression. Alcoholism. Growing old not so gracefully. Death. Tortured familial ties. Did I mention depression?

WHY I WON'T BE SEEING IT: If I wanted to pay $10.95 and up to see a movie that makes me have to choose between slitting my wrists (Always up and down. Never across. Across is for Sorority girls.) and begging God to just make the boredom hurry up and kill me, I'd rent the complete "Swedish Film For Dummies" boxed set.