MOVIES I HAVE NO INTENTION OF SEEING THIS WEEKEND

SUPER 8

Starring: A bunch of White people and some chubby kid (I'm sure).

What It's About: I really don't care.

Why I won't Be Seeing It: I have seen three Spielberg movies and they came to a total of 37 hours.

Really. I swear.

I know. I know. Stevie ist der Wunderkind and he makes "MOVIES!". Well, I only have so much time left on this earth and it is not to be spent with my (substantial) butt cheeks buzzing with the pain of hour upon hour of an extended Spielbergian Un Petit Mort.

Mr. Popper's Penguins

Starring: Oh Gawd No! Jim Carrey and whomever else is watching their career die as slowly as arteries hardening at a Bakersfield Marie Callenders because they are in a Jim Carrey movie. Oh yeah, there's a bunch of midgets in Tuxedos.

All right! "Little Fucking People".

What It's About: Seriously? It's a "Jim Carrey Movie". It's about the direct correlation between the arc of a sketch comedians career and the Hindenberg. Ever so pretty sailing across the Atlantic..and then..."OH, THE HUMANITY!"

Cue Robin Williams, Chevy Chase and every other person who has ever made it from The Improv to Lankersheim Blvd.

Honestly, rent something truly worthy of the name "Cinema" May I suggest "Ace Bigelow: Male Gigolo"?

The Green Lantern

Starring: This years "Hot Young Hunk!" It really doesn't matter who he is as he will be gone soon enough. Too bad Aaron Spelling is dead.

Isn't it?

What It's About: A spider bites the "Hunk" and because he was wanking off in his mom's basement to Japanese Anime at the time, he gets radioactive Spider Syphillis and has to wear an ugly green outfit while fighting Big Pharma for low cost drugs to cure him of the gift that keeps on giving.

Or somesuch.

Why I Won't Be Seeing It: I didn't see that movie with the Blue people and I will not sit through a Green person movie.

So. There.