MOVIES I HAVE NO INTENTION OF SEEING THIS (BLECH) HOLIDAY WEEKEND

Ho the effin' Ho, it's freakin' Christmas.

Yet. Again.

Yes, it's time to get out the Visa Cards and head down to the mall to spend money on worthless crap.

All in the name of a lovely chap named, Jesus.

Something tells me that Mr. non designer sandals and belted sackcloth would probably not approve of our consumerist ways at this time of year.

Bother

I like Prada and if anyone's smart, there'll be some under my Christmas tree.

Ok, I don't have a Christmas tree.

Just leave it under the mat.

No. You may not have any of my Eggnog.

Really.

I swear.

Where was I?

Oh.

Yes.

This time of the year sucks for another reason.

As well.

It's Oscar Bait time!

Ou et les "Oscar Bait"?

That's French for, "2 hours from now you will have spent $40 and your butt will be asleep."

As will I.

Next to your butt.

You wish.

So, here is my annual list of movies I have no intention of seeing this Holiday Season.

Yes, it's a tradition.

Bitch.

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

STARRING:

Heath Ledger, Johnny Depp, Jude Law and every other actor in Hollywood who looks like they need a bath.

WHY I'M NOT SEEING IT:

What is this, the cast of "White Punks on Dope"?

I have to be honest, I don't care about Heath Ledger. I just don't. He's dead. Great career move. Best ever. Even that has been done before. Better. See: Elvis, Marilyn, Robin Leach.

Johhny Depp still owes me several hours of my life for those Gawdawful Pirate movies. I'm not just handing over another 6 hours (it is a Gilliam flick) so he can drag me threw Terry Gilliam's oh so retro drug flashbacks.

Yo Gilliam! Nobody parties in Marrakech anymore.

I saw Colin Farrell's nudie.

Small dinky.

Fare thee well.

Just don't expect me to love it.

Avatar

STARRING:

I could give a rats smegma who's in this crap.

WHY I'M NOT SEEING IT:

Ok, look.

I grew up in West Covina, California. If I wanted to spend two hours with mutants, I would've gone to my high school reunion.

AND I could've had some vodka so I wouldn't have to look at 'em.

Police, Adjective

STARRING:

A bunch of people that make me glad "Smellovision" never caught on.

WHY I'M NOT SEEING IT:

It's Romanian fer chrissakes!

The last thing that those people did well was track down and kill that Chowchescue woman.

Pass the blinis, and the ticket stand.

Chipmunks Act Like Chipmunks, Not Chipmonks

STARRING:

Those Gay ass Chipmunks, Alvina, Theodora and Kelly Rowland.

Really

I swear.

WHY I'M NOT SEEING IT:

These guys remind me of when I used to know Tweakers.

That's good enough reason.

Trust.

So.

There you have it.

I've saved you $$ once again.

Thank me later.

At Prada.