MOVIES I HAVE NO INTENTION OF SEEING THIS WEEKEND

MOVIES I HAVE NO INTENTION OF SEEING THIS WEEKEND

WALL ST: MONEY NEVER SLEEPS

Starring: Michael “The Cryptkeeper” Douglas and that one guy from those stupid car movies with my favorite really hot bad actress Megan Fox. Some white girl.

What It’s About: Evidently Douglas gets out of prison after years of being a power bottom whilst missing the whole Bush lying us into war era. He decides to get back into the same shiz that got his old ass sent away in the first place.

Can I be totally honest?

Who gives freakin’ frogs balls what this movie is about? You know why I hope this movie makes hella bank? Because fifty cents of every dollar Douglas makes goes to his ex Diandra or whatever the hell her name was. Its total “fuck you” pay.

Go see it. Pay full price.

DEVIL (2010)

Starring: I haven’t the foggiest. Nor. Do. I. Care.

What It’s About: Did I ever tell you about the time I farted in an elevator and from the third floor until I got off at the tenth floor, I kept giving dirty looks to this fat delivery guy?

I didn’t?

Pity.

This movie is that kind of uncomfortable. Imagine being stuck in an elevator with the casts of Jersey Shore and Kim from The Real Housewives of Atlanta.

Imagine.

Probably more intellectually interesting than this dreck.

LEGEND OF THE GUARDIANS: THE OWLS OF GA’HOOLE

Starring: Charlotte Rae, Kanye West, Valerie Bertinelli, Anne Heche and Zac Efron.

What It’s About: Charlotte Rae runs a low end bordello on the wrong side of the tracks just south of Vegas in this movie based on “A Very Special Episode of Blossom”. When business gets bad the fight over tricks gets intense inside “The Sagging Tit Ranch & Rib Shack”. Tension rises with the arrival of new meat, Zac Efron as “Little Bitch”. He and Kanye West (as an aging hustler on the wane) enter into a battle to the death during a long, hot Labor Day weekend for the only trick to show up, Valerie Bertinelli (Oscar Calling!).

Spoiler Alert! This movie ends with Bertinelli running away from the ranch like a virgin at a prison riot when she realizes that Soylent Green is people and Anne Heche (in a scene stealing cameo as a Lesbian Carmelite Nun) is serving it up naked!

Really.

I swear.