MOVIES I HAVE NO INTENTION OF SEEING THIS WEEKEND

MOVIES I HAVE NO INTENTION OF SEEING THIS WEEKEND

YOGI BEAR 3D

Starring: Yogi Bear (Lucille McGillicuddy), Boo Boo (Ethel Mertz).

What It’s About: In a first for Lesbian porn, Yogi Bear 3D follows the mishaps and erotic misadventures of a pair of Kooky and Kinky “Furries” let loose in the wilds of Yosemite National Park. Mirth and Mayhem are the order of the day as the hennaed red head and the frowsy blonde seek to make Yosemite a Sapphic playground against the puritanical wishes of the local Park Ranger (Mackenzie Phillips) . It, of course, all ends with a honey slathered romp with a young Bear cub (Juliette Lewis) who is bi-curious and ready for fun!

Why I won’t be seeing it: Lesbian Furry Porn is bad enough.Furry Vag in 3 freakin' D just gives this homo the creeps. Yikes!

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

Starring: Reese Witherspoon (Madame in her first starring role since the death of Waylon Flowers), Owen Wilson, Jack “Where the white woman at?!” Nicholson and that one white guy who’s in pretty much every movie I’ve hated in the last five years.

What It’s About: WTF!?! Is this National “Gals who love Gals” month or what? Reese (Madame) is a down and out 60 year old softball player who …WAIT! Ok, at this point I would normally make up what this dreck is about, BUT the actual description is WAY more insipid than anything I could ever think up.

Here is what it’s REALLY about: “Reese Witherspoon’s entire life has been defined by softball, but at 31, she is deemed too old to play and cut from the team. After being cast adrift, she begins a fling with Matty (Owen Wilson), a charming womanizer who plays professional baseball. About the same time, she goes on a blind date with George (Paul Rudd), a businessman on the hook for stock fraud. Caught in a romantic triangle with the two men, Lisa ponders the meaning of love.”

Why I Won’t Be Seeing It: “Reese Witherspoon’s entire life has been defined by softball, but at 31, she is deemed too old to play and cut from the team. After being cast adrift, she begins a fling with Matty (Owen Wilson), a charming womanizer who plays professional baseball. About the same time, she goes on a blind date with George (Paul Rudd), a businessman on the hook for stock fraud. Caught in a romantic triangle with the two men, Lisa ponders the meaning of love.”

WHAT THE SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR IS THIS SHIT?!?

Combine that actual description with the fact that “Chester the Molester” Nicholson hasn’t missed a chance to show his hairy, saggy, old man titties in any movie he’s been in over the last twenty years and I just have to think I’d have a much better time singeing my pubes slowly while squatting over the burners on my stove.

How Do You Know? Why would I care?

TRON: LEGACY 3D

Starring: One of the guys who used to be Flipper’s brother, I think. Some white guy. Some white girl.

What It’s About: Ok, look. I am not nor have I ever been a Nerd. I have never pleasured myself in my mom’s basement while watching Carrie Fisher tied up in a two piece with Cinnabuns on the side of her head while she writhed for the amusement of Rush Limbaugh (as Jabba the Hut) in Star Wars 16 or whatever it was. I was in Student Body and made fun of people who could speak in Wookie.

WHY WOULD I CARE WHAT THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT?

Why I Won’t Be Seeing It: I tend to see myself as on the cutting edge and Ecstasy is OVER Gurlfriend! It’s sooo KLF and I can’t imagine that this crapfest would be bearable without at least two hits.