MOVIES I HAVE NO INTENTION OF SEEING THIS WEEKEND

MOVIES I HAVE NO INTENTION OF SEEING THIS WEEKEND

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Starring: Robert Duvall, Bill Murray, Cissy Spacek and Lucas Black

What it's about: Really?

No. Really?

It premiered at the Toronto Film Festival.

Hi,was that me snoring?

Listen,I'm Gay, I am genetically programmed to like Sissy Spacek, I mean, hellooo, Coal Miners Daughter!

But, let's be honest here, put this cast in a blender and Elmers Glue drying in a 3rd graders hair would hold my interest better.

Jesus H. Christ, that was a long sentence.

Moi is famished.

And I would gladly eat my way through the thighs of that fat girl from Hairspray to get out of seeing this turgid Canadian premiered "cinema".

"Premiered At The Toronto Film Festival".

Roll that around in your brain.

Yup.

That's a blod clot forming.

I'm jes sayin'.

Thank me later.

Btw.

I meant the fat girl from the second Hairspray. The one with John "Zenu is calling" Travolta.

The sucky one.

Yeah. Her.

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE

Starring: A bunch of skinny white people. And, probably, a Black guy.

What It's About: Even though my Moobs could easily fill a "Touch Me Gently" training bra, I am not a 15 year old white girl.

Really.

I swear.

Listen, all I know is it took me two years of shame waiting for Taylor Lautner to be legal to look at without his shirt on.

Of that, I am not proud.

The last thing I'm doing is putting on a raincoat and going into a theater to see what the hell this Twilight crap is all about.

If I wanted two hours of blood sucking white people and hairy beasts, I would get back together with my Armenian ex-boyfriend.

What was his name?

Arshad? Arpad? Armen? Arvid? Arslan?

But.

I digress.

Arvil?

THE SORCERER'S APPRENTICE

Starring: Nicholas Cage and some other people who couldn't get H-1 visas so they probably filmed this in some Godforsaken former socialist republic.

Or.

Vancouver.

What It's About: Nicholas Cage is in it.