MOVIES I HAVE NO INTENTION OF SEEING THIS WEEKEND

FOR COLORED GIRLS

Starring: A bunch of really pissed off Strong and Angry Black Women. Gender Neutral Oscar winner Whoopi Goldberg.

What It's About: In a nutshell. All Black men exist simply to get on a Sistah's nerves.

Why I Have No Intention Of Seeing It: Two. Words. Lorena Bobbit.

DUE DATE

Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Jamie "Black Dudes With Iphones" Fox, Juliette "You Fuckers just thought my career was over! Drink my crazy juice fuckers!" Lewis, some white girl and that hairy guy that white guy hipsters think is really funny, but, isn't to anyone who can't quote The Big Lebowski.

I'm proud to say that I can't.

Quote The Big Lebowski.

That is.

What It's About: Have you ever seen ANY "odd couple buddy" movies? Someone's wife is about to spew forth progeny (who knew Robert Downey Jr. still had any sober sperm left?). Along the way The Sperminator meets up with that hella annoying hairy dude (no, not that Phoenix freak.) and hilarity ensues.

No it doesn't.

Blech.

Why I Have No Intention Of Seeing It: I don't like hairy people and Juliette Lewis scares me worse than John Wayne Gacey Clown portraits.


JACKASS 3D

Starring: A bunch of really annoying white boys.

What It's About: Attaching things to other dudes ball sacs and not thinking it's totally homo to be doing it.

Why I Have No Intention Of Seeing It: It's totally homo.

MOVIES I HAVE NO INTENTION OF SEEING THIS WEEKEND

MOVIES I HAVE NO INTENTION OF SEEING THIS WEEKEND

PIRANHA 3D
Starring: A bunch of white people who used to have agents and Ving Rhames as “The Black Guy.”

What’s it about: Really? The name of this excuse to charge an extra $4 for 3D glasses is freakin’ “PIRANHA 3D! Let’s guess, shall we? I’m thinking a bunch of white people (and Ving Rhames as “The Black Guy”) go to a lake and due to a Meth lab blowing up near a sewage line that leads directly into said lake a bunch of Piranhas are exposed to chemicals that turn them into Glenn Beck loving Teabbagers with an appetite for human flesh.

Or some such.

I digress.

Anyways, these plucky lake goers (btw, Richard Dreyfuss is in this movie! WTF dude, owe your coke dealer that much? You couldn’t hock the Oscar?) ..where was I? Oh. Yeah. So, these former stars somehow get into some hardcore partying with a bunch of spoiled teens, who end up fish bait,

Sluts first.

Ving Rhames (as “The Black Guy”) does something really Blackploitation-y and some white guy saves the day and kisses whatever white girl is left as we see that one of the Meth addicted killer Piranhas has survived to live on for “Piranha 3D pt Deux” starring Joyce Dewitt in her comeback turn as a lesbian camp counselor.

Oscar calling.

THE SWITCH

Starring: Jennifer “I’m never gonna be a movie star, am I?” Aniston. Juliette “Yeah, I’m weird. Wanna fuck while I feed my Iguana?” Lewis and some white guy.

What’s it about: Ok, let’s talk. When the second lead female is a woman who probably spends her downtime cutting your ex-husbands’ initials into her inner thigh, I’m thinking you’re probably doing your next to last movie before you start going up against Valerie Bertinelli for a movie of the week over at Lifetime.

Anyways, what’s her name stars in an autobiographical movie about a soon to be middle aged hairdo who has no man and yet, wants to spawn as she realizes that this her last chance.

To have a baby. Or. To have a hit movie. Finally.

In Aniston’s continuing descent into “This Weeks Guest Host on Good Morning Fresno” territory, she eventually fills a Turkey Baster with man goo and somehow Juliette Lewis manages to mix her own Vegan Almond Milk with Jennifer’s future progeny and…well…hilarity ensues.

In another movie.

In another theater.

Honestly, have you, or anyone that you know, EVER paid to see a Jennifer Aniston movie?

That’s what I thought.