ACURA ZDX: HELP ME! I'M STANDING AND I CAN'T GET IN!

I was willing to give the monstrosity on the Acura stand a chance. My two friends told me that it was "cool looking".

I thought it looked liked a bad 60's Japanese monster movie, or, Transformers on Meth.

And then I TRIED to get into the back seat.

But, let me get in the way back machine for "une moment".

That's French for "before I hit my head on every surface of this ugly ass car".

The Acura ZD whatever is the latest answer to questions nobody was asking. Namely, " how can I buy a 'car' that doesn't have the size of a SUV or the decent looks of a warthog?" And furthermore, "can I possibly buy the ugliest car at the highest price that I can't possibly get into the back seat of?"

If you have ever asked those questions, Acura has a car for you.

And you're stupid.

The ZDX is actually impossible to get into the back seat of unless you are whatever the politically correct word for a midget is. I defy anyone who is not from one of Gulliver's Travels to get into the back seat of this thing without doing a Cirque Du Soleil maneuver of epic proportions.

I literally had to bend, stoop, fold and pray to 1980's Jane Fonda to Origami myself into the back seat. And once I had achieved this little bit of self flagellation, I then had my neck turned at an angle so unnatural that I reached for my cell phone and called Gloria Allred hoping to get her to file a class action suit for anyone who actually suffered through this denial of basic backseat rights.

And did I mention that it's UGLY?

Not unattractive.

FUGLY.

Like one of those inbred Spanish Infantas, the ZDX is the Jocelyn Wildenstein of four wheeled conveyances. I wanted to sue Acura just for making me look at it. From any angle.

Much like the BMW X6 and Gran Turismo, the ZDx is a car for, oh, I don't know, MORONS perhaps? Why would you spend more than $35,000 on a car that your friends are going to have knife fights over who has to endure the back seat for more than 5 minutes? And why, pray tell, unless you are a student at the Braille Institute, would you look at this new millennium Edsel and still sign the papers to take it off some dealers lot?

Why dammit, why?

I don't hate the 2010 Acura ZDX.

I LOATHE it.

And as soon as I leave my Chiropractor, I'm suing someone for wasting my retinas and my vertebrae.

Ok, I do HATE this "car"