MOVIES I HAVE NO INTENTION OF SEEING THIS WEEKEND

I see a whole crop of “films” have been dumped on an unsuspecting American public this week. Well, let me help you with your weekend selection pour la cinema. Herewith are the movies I wouldn’t see with your eyes:

NEW YORK, I LOVE YOU

Starring: Natalie Portman, Shia LeBeouf, and Ethan Hawke

Why I’m not going to watch it: Natalie Portman, Shia LeBeouf, and Ethan Hawke

AN EDUCATION

Starring: Some new White girl, Some other Dude

Why I’m not going to watch it: Ok, 16yr old girl gets swept off her feet by a grown ass man twice her age and experiences her “sexual awakening”.

Child molestation much?

Change the girl to a 16yr old boy do you really think it’s “art” anymore?

That’s what I thought.

Euw.

THE BOX

Starring: Cameron Diaz, some white guy

Why I’m not going to watch it: A couple gets a magical box that has a button you push and you get a million dollars.

But wait, there’s a catch!

Every time you push the button, someone you don’t know dies.

What’s your point?

I’d push the button ten or twelve times a day.

Even if people I knew died.

I’m just sayin’.

THE DAMN UNITED:

Starring: A bunch of pasty English guys

Why I’m not going to watch it: It’s set in 70’s Britain. Have you ever seen what 70’s Britain looked like? Grey food and cigarette smoke.

AND, it’s about something called Soccer. If I’m watching a movie about men kicking balls around, it better be starring David Beckham.

Shirtless.

PRECIOUS:

Starring: Monique, some big Black girl, Mariah Carey

Why I’m not going to watch it: Though I loved Mariah in “Glitter”, if I needed to see a movie about fat, mean, Black women with unmarried, pregnant daughters, I would just go sit at my Auntie Shirley’s house for an afternoon.

Pass.

A CHRISTMAS CAROL

Starring: Jim Carrey, the original cast of Village of The Damned

Why I’m not going to watch it: Have you seen one of these new animation movies? They freak me out. It’s like watching Tweakers after they’ve been hitting the pipe for three days.

Or, so I’ve heard.

They all have John Wayne Gacy eyes.

I’m scared Daddy, hold me!

Uh, you can let go now Daddy.

2012

Starring: I don’t know, but, I think that guy from those John Hughes movies

Why I’m not going to watch it: I lived in L.A. during the Rodney King riots.

Top that.

Bitch.

See, I have saved you from Lord knows how much at your local Cineplex.

Thank me later.