Well, let me save you a few ducats and guide you away from the dreckiest of the dreck.
To whit: MOVIES I HAVE NO INTENTION OF SEEING
THE BOUNTY HUNTER Starring: The chick from Friends. The Gay guy from that one Gladiator movie who I would do.
Why I won't be seeing it: Ok, look. The chick from Friends just aint a movie star. She aint got "It". Simple. Fer chrissakes, she did that dog movie and he stole all of her scenes. If he had been willing to do a nude he could have just done her role entirely. That Gay is hot in a totally doucheville for beginners sorta way. But. He couldn't act his way out of a parking ticket with his shirt off in West Hollywood.
AVATAR Starring: The Smurfs Why I won't be seeing it: I don't live in my mom's basement.
REMEMBER ME Starring: That guy who isn't very cute but no one will say so out loud from those awful Vampire movies that I totally don't get but then I have actually had sex with someone other than my dad. Some white girl
Why I won't be seeing it: Wtf is up with this new crop of nobodies that H'wood keeps foisting on us? There's that one jailbait dude who has eyes so close together he looks like Futurama (nice tits though). And this Patinson freak. His hair could go solo and he would be missed less than Andrew Rigidly(or whatever his name was. And who knew George Michael would end up a nasty ole crack head looking for ween in bathrooms at the park? But. I digress.). I don't even know whatthis movie is about and I hate it. The poster makes me want to go to Borders and just beat the living hell out the girl who stocks the "Romance" section. Btw, Sweetheart, that genero-Fabio is not going to suddenly come to life and start liking fat chicks if you paw the cover long enough. Yeah, I saw that. Euw.
I woke up this morning at my mom’s house where I’ve been taking refuge away from life in the city. Ok, I live Downtown and she lives in “almost Summerlin”, but the point is, I’ve run home to Mommy for some R&R. In the last 21 plus years of my life, I’ve often run home to Mommy.
Sometimes it was because I “had” to. I am what might have been called in another era, incorrigible. No, promiscuous, oh wait, I meant precocious.
Really.
I swear.
I’ve always managed to escape my father’s level headedness and calm manner and instead, gone full steam into my mom’s go live life to the fullest and if it knocks you down, put on some Motown and “Keep On Truckin’”.
After all, around very corner, there’s something.
Always.
Sometimes good. Sometimes, not so good.
But.
There’s always mom’s when you need to retreat.
A lot of people get rather tiresome with the melancholia of their birthday. There is nothing so loathsome as one who looks at a birthday as a reason to cry over chances lost. Opportunities blown. People not fucked, oh, sorry, I meant not met.
Balderdash!
Of course, even I had a moment when I woke up at my mom’s house and went into the garage to take a look at my favorite painting. It’s of me and my mom. She is in one of her custom made evening gowns with dyed to match shoes and I’m in a red velvet Little Lord Fauntleroy suit with my favorite white turtleneck like Tony Curtis used to wear.
My ex, Juan painted it as gift to my mom on Christmas many years ago. I miss him. I’ve been looking for him ever since we broke up. So far, I’ve only found 2D examples in a 3D world.
So.
There I was looking at all the stuff in the garage. Everything boxed up and cellophane. Untouched since the day my mom moved in here. All this stuff used to be displayed proudly all over my mom’s dream house in Desert Shores. After Dad started having strokes and had to move away before he died, health care costs ate up everything they had worked for, mom lost the house and all the dreams ended up in the garage.
Along with my Grandmother. Seems mom has her urn in there somewhere.
Ok, sidenote: When I was a little kid, my grandmother, Lois Dickens, was supposed to babysit me. You know, read me books, draw stuff, all that crap that white people did in the sixties.
WELL.
Mom would go off to work and my uncle Bobby Jr (just a few years older and like my brother even now) would go to school. My grandmother would place me in front of the TV while she started to get ready. After awhile, she would come out looking way too good for “Mornings with the cutest child ever to have been born”.
You know.
Me.
She would spend a few minutes spreading rumors with her girlfriend Gloria on the phone and at twelve noon sharp the world came to a stop. We sat everyday and watched “All My Children”. One day a dark haired girl in a miniskirt and the best knees I’ve ever seen came on.
Erica Kane!
I don’t know how many of those of you who practice “the love that dare not speak it’s name” actually have ever thought about this, but, we have all had a moment when we started on our path to a full membership into the FFA.
Future Fags of America.
Erica Kane was mine.
Back to my grandmother.
At one o’clock on the dot we made our way towards our coats, both of us fussing about the comings and goings of Pine Valley. Me trying not to be too enthusiastic about Erica’s long brown hair or the cool way she slanted her Tam over to one side so that it just grazed her eyebrow.
Watch how I wear a hat to this day. It’s always “Erica Kane” style.
Of course at this point you’re thinking that the two of us had a bucolic day of the zoo and a quick trip through the A&P.
You aint never met Lois Dickens.
We would saddle up the street and into “Jack’s Back Door Lounge” where the elite went to greet. Somebody would hand me a fistful of change and off to the jukebox I would go.
“I said SHOT GUUUUUUNNNNNN! SHOOT HIM ‘FORE HE RUN NOW!”
Yup, put on your high heel sneakers and your wig hat ‘cause Lois and Derek is in the club!
I knew about a rum and coke before I knew how to read. I could tell you the latest Smokey & The Miracles record the day it came out because I used to watch the man come in and change the records in the jukebox on Thursdays.
“JIMMY, JIMMY, OH JIMMY MACK, WHEN ARE COMING BACK?”
Anyway, the day would wrap up in time for us to go to the A&P and get home in time for my grandmother to start dinner before Bobby Jr would get home and she could start fussing at him about everything. Before my grandfather would get home smelling of the old junk he loved to go collecting and the “good smelling stuff” he lathered himself in (I do the same to this day). And before my mom came in looking like Cindy Birdsong from the Supremes to take me upstairs where we waited for my dad, both of us wanting to reach him first to smother him. Of course, neither of us ever mentioned to my mom what we did all day and as long as I was still alive and hadn’t fucked up my clothes she brought me back from London or Paris, she was cool.
Fuck.
Where was I?
Oh.
Yeah.
So, I’m in the garage and I can’t find ANYTHING when I realize that my entire life is wrapped up and in boxes in my mom’s garage. I never did find the painting. BUT, I did find a box of my old 45’s from when I was a teen in the early 80’s and it was quite chic to carry old lunchboxes and record carriers out to clubs like “The Odyssey”.
“BEATNIK BEACH, YEAH YEAH, BEATNIK BEACH, OH YEAH!”
Cool.
Anyways.
It got me to thinking that I was actually cool with not being able to touch most of my life because in the last few months, my entire life has shown up again on Facebook.
There’s Jaime Teagle, my first friend in California. Unbeknownst to her, she was a raging Fag Hag. Way before I knew who I was, she was my friend and she dated Craig Curtis!
Prenicia Parnell, who always sat in the latest designer duds with Diana and that other girl Lucretia something or other. Listen, when you watch “Mean Girls”, these three Bitches made those girls look like amateurs.
I wanted them to like me SO bad!
Leonard Applebaum is just as goofy and fun loving as he was when he was the hairiest kid to ever attend Edgewood High School.
Linda Littman who actually runs a wedding chapel right around the corner from from my house and has been married to the same guy since the beginning of time.
Julie Steadman is just as insane as the day they let her out of Lanterman State Hospital on a day pass that turned into a lifetime.
And a million others.
Most importantly, Facebook reconnected me with Mike McElroy.
Ever have a friend that you went through everything with? We taught each other how to be cool. Mike was never afraid to try anything. When everyone else around us was cruising the Ed Taco parking lot, Mike and I were trying out our learner’s permits going to the Whisky A Go Go and cruising Hollywood Blvd daring Jim Hedges to get it on with a hooker. Mike never let his health issues get him down. Got a syringe for your diabetes? Well, now you have a nifty way to make an orange a vodka filled spill free cocktail! I sat through many church services as Mike cruised the pews for the latest Nazarene hussy soon to be making me sit in the back seat. Mike and I threw the kind of parties that can only be described as EPIC. Nerds and Jocks, “Soches” and ASB, they all came and got WASTED when Mike’s parents went out of town! If we were especially lucky, Edgewoods’ own Uncle Albert, Craig Curtis, would do a spot on impersonation of our own, trying way too hard to be popular, Ruth McHugh.
Ruth was a 45 yr old trapped in a 15 yr olds body. Always inventing new dances that no one cared to learn and seeming way more at home in an apron than her Bonjour jeans. Craig, to this day can do her as a combination of “Vita Meata Vegamin” and Sue Ann Nivens on a vodka bender.
Well, There’s Mike. Not wrapped up in my mom’s garage, but, right there on my laptop. Hmm.
Turns out my life is right there on Facebook.
And I’m cool with that.
So tonite, I’m going off with my new BFF’s, my fellow Democrats who make everyday exciting as we go forth trying to change the world (or, our little part of it) to enjoy just being around friends and being really happy about having another birthday. No big party, just a big ass Cheese Pizza from the best pizza joint in Vegas, Boston Pizza.
If I’m lucky, truly lucky, someone will stop at a grocery store and buy fresh basil because Boston Pizza never has any and I LOVE BASIL ON MY CHEESE PIZZA! Hint.
No, not the semi-annual 7 For All Mankind Jeans sale.
No, not another Lohan trip to rehab.
No, not another Republican Congressman busted for trashy Gay sex in a bathroom.
IT'S OSCAR NIGHT!
Yes, the Gay Superbowl is back!
Really.
I swear.
And to show you how much he cares about your being able to continue your apres Oscar partying, Closet Sundays @ Revolution Lounge's own cute-alicious Eduardo Cordova is offering you and 5 of your Cinematic scenesters the chance to win a muy privado VIP table and Bottle at Closet Sundays tonight after the big event!
Here's the rules:
You must be in Las Vegas tonight as the offer is only good TONIGHT! (Duh) Your group must have at least 5 people. (Make sure they look cute) Gratuities not included (that means TIP THE DAMN WAITRESS. Bitch)
The winner will be the FIRST PERSON TO ANSWER THE QUESTIONS CORRECTLY IN THE COMMENTS BOX HERE AT THE VEGAS STYLE GUY! The easiest way to answer is to copy and paste the questions in the comment box.
Contestants must include a way of contacting them (#, email, etc.)
HERE WE GO!
Which one of this years Oscar nominees has a mother who performs in the subway?
Who was the first Black Actress to be nominated for Best Actress?
Who designed Cher's dress for the 1986 Oscar ceremony?
Adulteress home wrecker and Oscar winner, Angelina Jolie was married to what “Bad Santa” star?
What is the only X Rated movie to win an Academy Award?
GOOD LUCK!
BUT WAIT!
THERE'S MUCHO MAS!
Tonight is also: BRUSH OFF! at CLOSET SUNDAYS!
Oh yes Honey, you want Gay?
Eduardo will give you Gay.
Can you handle the Gay?
Ok.
Get. This.
Face painters from Color Salon, MAC, Kelly Cardenas Salon, & Tease Salon will all be competing for the title of "BEST MAKE UP ARTIST"!
Mind you, it's nowhere near as Glam as my winning the Congeniality portion of the Miss West Covina pageant in '84, but, THERE'S A $1,000 PRIZE!!!!
That's a whole lot of eyeliner Chicas!
As Moiself is currently experiencing the joys of Black men in our nations' capitol, uh I mean, lobbying on important LGBT isssues, tonight's celebrity guest judge is (drum roll please) SOCIALITE JONNY MAKEUP!
Yes.
I know.
As per usual the sounds that make your hips write a check your behind better cash is DJ JASON LEMA!
And even if you don't win the contest, you can still call the utterly edible Jason Baca for the primo VIP service for you and your crew @ 702 485 9294
CLOSET SUNDAYS @ REVOLUTION LOUNGE THE MIRAGE 3400 S. Las Vegas, Blvd.
10pm until someone tells you, "yes, those jeans do make your ass look fat."
Yup, "The Mouth That Hollaa'd!" , All TAlk Radio's own Schree is at Good Times tonight with her, uh, "special" brand of humour to tickle the back of your throat.
With mirth.
Just mirth.
Tonight's show promises to be a blend of the down.
And the dirty.
I'll be honest, my delicate ears had to adjust to the profanity filled hilarity coming out of a mouth that would make the saltiest of sailors blush.
But.
I found myself doubled over with laughter more than a few times during the show.
You will too.
Trust.
The cover is $5 and the drinks are hella strong.
They will make you HOLLAAA!!
Get down to see Schree at Good Times at 8pm tonight, December 06, 2009!
Did Moi ever tell you about the time Moiself almost was the world's first Supermodel?
Really.
I swear.
Well.
It was the 80's.
I was 12.
Ish.
It was Milan or Paris or Pomona. One forgets.
Or tries to anyway.
So.
There Moi was being fitted for a muy magnifico Lacroix or Stephen Sprouse, when this Amazonian terror came screeching in all cigarette smoke, lips and legs.
And a mouth that would make a Turkish sailor run to confession.
Moi sized up the competition and got sized up right back.
War. Plain and simple.
Moi was not one to lose a model war.
Or a beauty pageant.
So.
This Amazon and Moi circled each other warily. Moi in a towel and just a hint of Jean Nate. SHE was in some slouchy bit of indifference that screamed "Rich Boyfriend".
Hmph.
Moi decided took go to the loo before coming back out and putting Miss Thing in her suburban place.
Well.
SOMEHOW, the door to the loo was stuck shut upon my exit.
Somehow.
Long story short, that Amazon took my place on the Catwalk that evening and somehow became Janice Dickinson at just the right moment in time to be heralded as the world's first Supermodel!
Bitch.
Well.
Here it is oh so many years later and Moi has gotten over her having the Fab career, hot Playboys, The model agency, Reality TV show and .....MOI'S LIFE!
Hmph.
Moi, being as gracious as Moiself is, am thrilled to know that Janice will be celebrating what must be her 21st birthday (Moi, after all, is a mere 20. Ish.) at , where else? Closet Sundays at Revolution Lounge.
Where else?
Indeed.
The ultimate in Cuteness on The Strip, Eduardo Cordova, is throwing "un Birthday Boite de Swank" for Miss Dickinson this Sunday.
That's French for, "just get to the damn club and bring a friend to hold your hair in case you drink too much, 'cause Moi aint doin' it this week."
BUT WAIT!
Did Moi mention that this little soiree is being sponsored by CRUSH?
You know what that means.
Don't you?
No.
Poor Bitch.
Must Moi tell Vous everything?
Of course.
When CRUSH is in the Casa it means loads of CRUSH Cuties!
Woo.
Hoo.
AND.
Since it is Moi's favorite holiday, Valentines Day, we'll be playing "My Secret Crush"!
And NO, Moi can not be your secret Crush!
Again.
There's still that issue of the restraining order.
As per the usual there will be Muy Caliente Go Go's abounding.
Abounding.
I say.
BUT WAIT!
THERE'S MAS!
Oh yes Mon Petite Mess, there's gonna be:
$5 VODKA DRINKS! $5 COORS LIGHTS! $9 VODKA RED BULLS!
Oh my!
AND!
Admission is FREE for locals unlike other places that just leave Vous with a constant Kraving to be somewhere else.
AND!
DJ Jason Lema will be making you shake your rump to the funk all the nighty night long!
Of course, if one wants to get on the guest list or have a reserved table in The VIP, and who doesn't?
Who?
I ask.
One simply must call VIP Host Legendaire, Jason Baca, possessor of the hottest little clipboard in town at 702-485-9294.
Simply.
Must.
See you there Mon little Celebutantes!
Oh. Yeah.
Happy Birthday Miss Janice "I stole your life and I don't even regret it" Dickinson!
CLOSET SUNDAYS @ REVOLUTION LOUNGE
Mirage Resort & Casino 3400 S. Las Vegas, Blvd.
10PM UNTIL MOISELF GETS SO SICK OF LOOKING AT YOU THAT I STEAL YOUR MAN.
Starring: Drunken anti-Semite Mel "I am still pissed about the whole Jesus thing!" Gibson
Why I wont be seeing it: Any cineaste knows that without a doubt, the greatest line ever uttered in a motion picture, big or small screen, was Phoebe Cate's immortal line: "Which one of you Bitches is my Mother?", from "Lace".
BRAH.
VO.
Calling Oscar!
Or Emmy.
Whatever.
The best line ever uttered by an actor off of the set is still Mel Gibson's, "What are you looking at Sugar Tits?"
Of course he then went on a rather unbecoming rant about the Jews owning Hollywood and some Batshit crazy stuff about the Holocaust or something very, very.
Very.
I love that "Sugar Tits" line so much I can almost forgive Mel for "Passion of The Christ" and even "Apocto-bore-o", but, the whole Holocaust and the Jews thing makes me nervous.
As a practitioner (rarely) of "The Love That Dare Not Speak It's Name", you now, cornholling, tossing salad, Anal Albert, cruising the Hershey Highway pulling a Ted Haggard, I am pretty sure that if Mel feels that way about the Jews, he probably REALLY hates The Gays.
You can forget about me going anywhere near Nutsie McNutsie or "Edge Of Darkness". WHEN IN ROME
Starring: Fergie's Husband and some white girl
Why I wont be seeing it: Ok, some white girl goes to Rome and throws money into a fountain and guys fall in love with her.
My last boyfriend threw me into a fountain and wasn't there when I got out.
Okay, yeah, this one hits a nerve.
Ok? IT'S COMPLICATED
Starring: Meryl Streep and the cast of "I've Fallen and I Can't Get It Up!"
There's nothing complicated about it.
Old people shouldn't have sex.
I removed the mirrors from my bedroom for a reason.
THE BOOK OF ELI Starring: Denzel Washington, Gary Oldman and Mile Kunis
Why I wont be seeing it: Listen people, Denzel has not been hot in 13 years.
You're probably also wondering what you are going to be doing later tonight.
Probably.
Definitely.
Wonder no more my little Divas in training.
I have, once again, decided for you on your Sunday night pleasures.
You're going to celebrate!
No. Not the end of that pesky bracelet around your ankle.
No one believed it was Prada. By the way. No. One.
Really.
I swear.
No, Mon Cheri, you have something even more important to celebrate than finding a Twenty in your Citizens of The World Jeans that you bought at Buffalo Exchange.
I know. What could top that?
What?
This!
FRANK MARINO'S DIVAS LAS VEGAS OFFICIAL LAUNCH PARTY
OH. MY. GAWD, CHANDLER BING!
Divas will run amongst and amok tonight at the one night of the week that sexilicious party promoter, Eduardo Cordova, leaves his Lair and allows you, mere mortal, to feast upon his cuteness!
Hold on.
Need a moment.
I popped a chubby.
Ok.
I'm back.
Where was I?
Oh.
Yes.
DIVAS!
But. Of course.
Tonight at Closet Sundays @ Revolution Lounge, it's time to put on the Mackie and the maquillage and skeedaddle over to the Mirage for yet another night of cool tunes and Divas performances!
AND DID I MENTION DIVAS?
Well.
Yes I did.
For those of you who've been living under a torrent of grade B entertainers the last few years (I'm not naming names. Lohan.), Let me just tell you that Frank Marino has been THE Diva in Las Vegas since before I got my first Gucci wallet.
Legally.
His show was one of the longest running hits in Las Vegas history. When Frank decided it was time to do it his way, he gathered up his wigs, dresses and wit and moved on to do his own show. His way.
Of course he grabbed a few bedazzled Divas on his way out the door and they are all ready to give it to you DIVA STYLE!
Now.
Tonight, just by being one of the first 100 fun seekers through the door, YOU will be honored with Frank Marinos DIVAS tickets!
Just get there before midnite Cinderella!
Of course, DJ Jason Lema will be serving up the aural sex from the little booth he calls home.
Grab your wig hats and your high heel sneakers and get thee to Closet Sundays @ Revolution Lounge post haste for a night of haute and red hot DIVAS!
Of course, if you're planning on seeing me,(and who isn't?), you'll need to call the best eyebrows attached to the cutest little kisser in town, VIP GAWD Jason Baca and book yourself into the VIP section and bottle up little Divas!
Call Mr. Baca at 702-485-9294 for guest list and reservations as well.
See you there!
CLOSET SUNDAYS @ REVOLUTION LOUNGE The Mirage 3400 S. Las Vegas Blvd Las Vegas, NV 89109
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