Downtown Las Vegas: The Beat

"Where everybody knows your name..."

If you have ever heard the theme song from "Cheers" and got that warm et fuzzy feeling then you will feel right at home at the only cool coffeehouse / hang in Las Vegas, "The Beat."

I have yet to settle down for a spot of work here and not run into everyone.

Who. Is. Anyone.

Really. I swear.

From politicians to local starlets (Hello Princess Ann!), this is the place to sit back and watch the world go by Vegas style. I could come here for the people watching alone, however, where else can you also decide to throw some Rolling Stones or "Thank God It's Friday" on the record player (NOT JUKEBOX! Thank you very much!) while you are munching on some of the house specialties and discussing the state of everything?

With everyone.

I ask?

So.

Let's get down to the munchables. Shall we?

We shall.

My own personal fave is the Croque Monsieur, a delicious, cheesy bit of perfection. Let's be honest here, you slap some dead pig on a crunchy bread and smother it in tangy cheese and you have this chubbette in your hands like a Kardashian in front of a camera.

Smitten.

You can pretty much order anything here and be more than happy. Most everyone I know loves the "Slap & Tickle."

Oh. Stop. Dirty minds are the Devils bocce ball court.

"Slap & Tickle" is The Beat's own little take on the classic Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich.

Well. After you add Bacon and Jalapenos.

You do add Bacon and Jalapenos. Don't you?

Well. Now. You. Will.

Owners, Jennifer and Michael Cornthwaite are what one might call "Downtown Royalty". Much like their counterparts further south in the Downtown Arts District (officially the "18b District" but I can't stand that name. Sounds like it's trying to hard to be Austin. Or someplace with good public transportation.) have been flying the Downtown flag for years and years before local politicians decided it was a good applause line to tout "the revitalization of Downtown" (spare me.). The Beat is located in the much larger "Emergency Arts Center" where, especially on the weekends, you are bound to find everything from great art, vintage LP's (it's a vinyl disc that makes music magically appear.), art, fashion and even a fancy hairdresser and hip production company.

I believe in airline terms, it's a "hub".

Of cultura.

Hints:

Get a table near the window if you want to be left alone. You won't be, but, you will look dramatic and rather Zelda Fitzgerald sitting by the window in an Edward Hopper sorta way. When your friends see you, the first thing they will think is, "they've taken up reading." Or some such flattery.

Park at The El Cortez. But. Make sure you walk through the casino to The Beat just across the street.

Why? Well, I said so. Oh, you need a reason? Fine. because it is the coolest place on the planet!

Okay?

Block at least two hours to be there and expect to stay longer. Once you settle in, you may never want to leave. Me? I take my meetings there. Back to back. I have gone from early am to sundown sitting my life away in my Zelda table many a day.

It's that cool.

Oh yeah.

They have coffee too.

THE BEAT
520 Fremont St
Ste 101
Las Vegas, NV 89101
(702) 409-5563
www.thebeatlv.com

Hours:
Mon-Fri 7 am - 12 am
Sat 9 am - 12 am
Sun 9 am - 5 pm
Takes Reservations: No
Accepts Credit Cards: Yes
Parking: Garage, Street, Valet
Attire: Casual
Good for Groups: Yes
Good for Kids: No
Price Range: $
Delivery: No
Take-out: Yes
Waiter Service: No
Outdoor Seating: No
Wi-Fi: Free
Good For: Lunch
Music: Juke Box
Best Nights: Fri, Thu, Sat
Happy Hour: Yes
Alcohol: Beer & Wine Only
Smoking: No
Coat Check: No
Noise Level: Average
Good For Dancing: No
Ambience: Hipster, Casual
Has TV: No
Wheelchair Accessible: Yes

What's This Thing Called Holsteins And Why Did I Ever Eat There?

Moi J'adores The Cosmopolitan.

It is chic in a totally non-fussy way. There is ample seating which is a rarity in Las Vegas and unheard of on Le Strip. The art is funky and world class. All in all, The Cosmopolitan is exactly what this burgh has needed for a long time. A hip and urbane place that locals can dig even while surrounded by Tourist Girls in Sausage Casing Skank Dresses.

Did I mention, J'adore The Cosmopolitan?

Well. I do.

Fuckin' Holsteins, on the other hand, should be 86'd from The Cosmo as it drags down the property like that fat dude Sandra Bullock was married to at a Bat Mitzvah.

Way total bummer.

So.

Me and The Bestie decided to sashay over to The Cosmo to check out the "secret Pizza place". Upon entering Moi decides it isn't quite what I am looking for at the moment.

I say, "let's go to Holsteins."

Cue ominous music.

"Don't go in the basement White girl!"

My first clue as to where the evening would be going was when we were greeted by the hostess. About 12, she was dressed in a dowdy outfit that looked like nuns forced her to wear it due to the itchy underbits that kept a tortured grimace on her innocent, Squirrel in the headlights face.

"Um, we're, um, really, um busy. It's like a hour wait, un, I think. But, you can eat in the waiting, bar sorta area."

Okaaay.

So.

We sat and waited for our waitress.

Who knew we could have read the first three chapters of a Suze Orman book in the time it took for our server to arrive?

Who. Knew.

So.

The Bestie loves dark meat.

But.

That's a whole 'nother story.

Where was I?

Oh. Yeah.

He orders a "WELL DONE" whatever Burger. I order the Kimchee thingee Medium Rare. We were asked what kind of fries we wanted? I said the chip things and I forget what The Bestie ordered. It would turn out to matter. Later.

We also ordered two of their signature Milk Shakes. Lactose intolerant Negro that I am, I still could not resist two of my favorite fat boy things combined, booze and Ice Cream! They were all right. In fact, they were the best thing about this whole Gawdawful, I'd rather be sitting through an endless loop of "Trog" starring Joan Crawford during her "A Bitch needs a job, ok?" period, Holsteins experience.

About 3 hrs later the server..oh, wait, did I mention this was like the third server we had seen by this point?

Didn't I?

Silly Me.

"W-T-F!" screeched the bestie.

Rememember, he had ordered "WELL DONE!" This looked like one of those partial birth abortions that Republicans are always going on about.

Umbilical cord and all.

Really. I swear.

Now. It gets GOOD.

Our server (like #15 at this point) had the temerity to say with a straight face to The Bestie who was bugged out by all the blood in front of him, "That's our version of 'WELL DONE!'"

Really?

No, seriously?

It's a good thing Sally Field didn't have to go up against this Bitch when they were casting for Norma Rae. That would have been an Oscar she would never have put on her commode shelf. The utter sincerity with which she said it was Gobsmackingly audacious and worthy of not only an Oscar, but, the ultimate glory, A GOLDEN GLOBE!

So.

I said "you need to take that back and burn it." Server #15 started away. "Um, excuse me, but, you need to take mine as well", says Moi. "Why?" says #15. "Because I don't want to be eating my food while he has none."

At this point #15 is truly going for for the triple crown, she's going to add an EMMY!

Daytime.

"What's wrong with that?"

Why nothing.

Nothing at all.

If you were born of Lesbian Wolves.

Who the hell would eat in front of a fellow diner for Gawd only knows how long it was going to take while whomever brought back The Besties burger?

As. If.

So.

Along comes, I kid you not, servers #16 AND #17! Two pimple faced kids who looked like they just won a bad acid trip to Willy Wonkas Chocolate Factory on "Underwear Night". Guess what they brought us? No. Really. Guess.

Give up?

Two entirely wrong burgers.

"IT'S NOT MY FAULT! I JUST BROUGHT OUT WHAT THEY GAVE ME!", said Wednesday Adams. "I'M JUST A RUNNER!", said Bobby Brady as he sulked away.

"What's the problem?" It was #15. Yet. Again.

"Well, other than your Kansas City Bomber attitude" I silently thought in my grade school Russian, "these burgers are BOTH wrong."

Eyes rolled as she snatched the plates up and shoved them at Wednesday with a gruff send off to whatever table they were meant for not knowing whether or not I had flavored them with Coke boogers, or whatever.

FINALLY, we got the burgers we ordered correctly cooked.

They were OK.

Just.

THEN.

The bill arrived.

I have never wanted to see a bill so badly in my entire life.

Well. At least one that I was paying. Trust. MANY times I have been glad to see a bill arrive, but, that's because a wrinkly old white hand covered in liver spots would finally have something to do other than trying fondle me whilst I simply wanted to enjoy my Creme Brulee.

That Tyler Brulee guy is sorta hot.

But. I digress.

Where was I?

Oh. Yeah. The fucking bill.

After 17 servers and what seemed like enough time to give a coffee enema to the Ed Hardy wearing tourists next to us, the bill was $65!

So. It took SIX burgers to get the order right. Those "what kind of fries would you like?" were not what came with the burger. Oh. No. They were extra. The shakes while good had come at the cost of a meal that SOMEHOW added up to about three times what I would normally want to pay IF it had come through a window with a Clowns head attached. If only.

So.

I wrote quite a little letter on the "How Did We Do?" card.

Stop.

"How Did We Do?"

Are you fucking kidding me? Did Pol Pot give out such cruel cards after a "visit"?

I wrote all over that thing and sent it back WITH my card to pay for this little bit of no reason for cows to have died for.

Oh, yes I did.

And you know what happened?

They committed the Ultimate Las Vegas Sin.

No. Not signing Shania Twain for a long term run. She's got like two songs and a bad divorce, am I right?

No.

Worse.

No manager came out to see if "something was wrong?" No anything taken off the bill. No care whatsoever that a customer was NOT a happy camper.

Nada. Zilch. Bupkus (or however you spell that).

Just "give us your money and Sod Off!"

Numerous calls and Tweets later, still, NOTHING.

So.

If you are simply dying for a burger.

On a desert island.

With Rush Limbaugh.

And a branch of Holsteins.

Eat Rush.

At least you might get a Viagra boner.

The Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas
3708 Las Vegas Boulevard South
Las Vegas, NV 89109

Holsteins
Who Gives a crap.

HEAVEN IS BACK AND EDUARDO CORDOVA PRESENTS IT!

I've never been to Moscow.

I've never been to Shanghai.

I have been to Tijuana.

But we don't talk about that anymore.

By order of the Border Patrol.

Where was I?

Oh. Yes.

I have been to HEAVEN!

Ok look, I already told you we can't talk about T.J.!

I'm talking about HEAVEN, the best ever club in the history of the known LGBT universe in Las Vegas!

Of course it is an "Eduardo Cordova Presents" affaire! That's Francais for Hella Good Ass Partay!

Well.

The best dimples North of The Rio Grande is bringing back HEAVEN for the summer of '11! Yes, Heeeeee's Baaaaack!

Only this summer it is going to be even mas slammin' than ever before!

Ho,w you may ask.

I said you may.

Ask.

Duh.

Here's how.

Bitch.

Of course HEAVEN is back at the BARE POOL at The Mirage!

Of. Course.

At tonight's Le Opening Grande E to The C will be serving up a special performance by Erika Jayne!

In addition, Super Duper Star DJ Chris Cox will be whirling the jams to make the dance floor rock like a big girl!

Did I mention that dancefloor is is suspended on plexiglass over the pool at BARE?

Really.

I swear.

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MAS!

We're being INVADED Y'ALL!

And that's a good thing!

Steve Machuca & Woody Woddbeck (I swear I didn't make that name up!) are bringing us a Bus Load of "California Boys" from West Hollywood!

Yum. Imported fresh meat!

Uh, I mean, fun tourist dudes.

Yeah. That's what I meant.

Well.

Aren't you all fired up?

Aren't you?

Of course you are.

Silly.

HEAVEN happens TONIGHT at the BARE Pool at The Mirage starting at 1030pm and ending when you see the 1,500th American Apparel Deep V-Neck T-shirt.

Obviously I don't have to get on the guest list, but, you really should drop an internet thingee to Ivanvegas@ymail.com and get on his list to make sure you and yours are there to enjoy the hottest night in the LGBT, HEAVEN!

HEAVEN AT THE BARE POOL
THE MIRAGE RESORT AND CASINO
3400 S. Las Vegas Blvd., Las Vegas, NV 89109

Think YOU'RE The Gay BFF? Find Out Tonight At "Closet Sundays"!

Well.

As any regular reader of my stream of consciousness ramblings on Style and The Glamorous Life knows, Moi only comes out of my Lair during the late night for one person.

No, not Johnny Walker.

Bitch.

No, not Kim Kardashian.

I only like the fat one and the soon to be bulimic new sister.

Moi only comes out during DUI checkpoint time for the most adorable promoter in the LV.

EDUARDO CORDOVA!

Really.

I swear.

Well.

Tonight everyone's favorite eye candy behind a velvet rope is hosting a totally new contest!

You know how I just love a contest.

Well.

As long as there isn't a swimsuit portion.

Or congeniality.

I am more the type to put pepper in your bikini bottom than make friends backstage.

Where was I?

Oh.

Yes.

So.

Tonight Mr. Dimples from Cutiepie Land Cordova is having a contest to see who is THE Gay BFF!

As I mentioned previously, I am NOT the one, so I have decided to not try for this crown.

But.

Others have. A MUCH nicer bunch than Moiself.

They are:

Benjamin Bradley
Brandon Pereyda
Johnny Espinosa
Chris Saldana
Patrick Chan
Ethan Carvalho
Andy Du Bois
Armando Macias
Jake Callotta
Jorge Garcia-Solorio
Ivan Rodriguez
Jorge Martinez Schwarzbeck
and
Jonathan Morgan

It seems that the premise is whomever brings the most friends to CLOSET SUNDAYS tonight will receive the following:

WINNER TO RECEIVE:
ONE NIGHT STAY AT THE MIRAGE
DINNER FOR 2 AT STACK
COMP BOTTLE AT ANY LIGHT GROUP LGBT EVENT

Woo.

Hoo.

BUT WAIT!

THERE'S MORE!

Did you doubt?

In addition to the spectacle of seeing all of those Gays making niceee to win a night in a room that doesn't charge by the hour, there will be a SPECIAL PERFORMANCE BY LADY KIMORA!

Oooh.

Weee.

As always there will be Le Specials Du Potato Juice.

That's VODKA!

Keep up.

Something called "COORS" is also on special.

Hmm, does one drink that with an umbrella?

Olives?

Whatevers.

I'm sure it's tasty when it's on special.

What isn't?

For those of you who are not me (and most of you aren't), you can call 702-693-8300 to get on the guest list.

You can also follow Eduardo (No, not from behind you little perv.) at Twitter Freak! Simply click in @EDUARDOPRESENTS.COM on your internet machine.

You do know that box is good for things other than Porn?

Don't you?

Eww.

TEXT "CLOSET" TO 25827 FOR UPDATES AND OFFERS ON ALL CLOSET SUNDAY EVENTS!

The party starts at 10pm and ends when I have to tell you to get rid of your boyfriend.

Closet Sundays
The Mirage Resort & Casino
3400 S. Las Vegas Blvd., Las Vegas, NV 89109

Why are you still here?

Shouldn't you be practicing your moves in front of the mirror?

No. Not THAT move!

The one you can do on a dance floor!

Puta.

LADY KIMORA

SORDID LIVES TONIGHT! FREE SCREENING!

We become intimate with the "Sordid Lives" of a family in a small Texas town preparing for the funeral of the mother. Among the characters are the grandson trying to find his identity in West Hollywood, the son who has spent the past twenty-three years dressed as Tammy Wynette, the sister and her best friend (who live in delightfully kitschy homes), and the two daughters (one strait-laced and one quite a bit looser).




The sreening is FREE and is followed by a lively discussion.

Sunday, April 24 · 6:00pm - 8:30pm TONIGHT!!!

Snacks, soda and beer are available for purchase.

Unitarian Universalist Congregation of Las Vegas 3616 Lake Mead Blvd. Las Vegas, NV 89115

HAVE U EVER SPENT A SUNDAY NITE WITH EDUARDO CORDOVA? ESTELLE WILL, TONIGHT!

As you well know, Moi rarely leaves the comfy confines of The GayBoyClub in Ghetto Vallarta.

You do know. Correct?

It's about Moi, therefore, you should know.

Really.

I swear.

Life is sooo good at The GBC that one seldom sees the need to venture beyond the gated drive.

Seldom.

Well.

If there's one person who can always get moi to put on a wig hat and some high heel sneakers, it's E to the C.

You know silly, Eduardo Cordova!

As if there would be any other reason.

Ok, Cristiano Ronaldo would get me into my Prada.

But.

I digress.

TONIGHT!

Eduardo Cordova Presents is hosting one of the very few Divas more Divaliscious than Moiself.

ESTELLE!

Yes, the warbling dancefloor Diva will be in the hizzouse at JET Nightclub for SUNDANZE! This is yet another mucho funno baile from Eduardo Cordova Presents.

Yet. Another.

Miss Thang will be performing LIVE and DJ Michael Paul will be twisting knobs and burning vinyl in the muzak booth!

Yes.

You will wave your hands.

In the air.

I wave mine like I just don't care.

Don't try that at home kiddies.

You might hurt yourself.

The doors open at 10:30 and for those of you with more style than greenage, you can get in free until the hands on the tic toc are in the same place by emailing EDUARDOPRESENTS@GMAIL.COM .

Obviously Moi doesn't have to do that.

I was born on the guest list.

I'm. Jes. Sayin'.

Did you doubt?

What?

Did I mention that there will be Go Go's?

No, not Belinda or Jane.

Hot ones!

Why are you still reading this?

Shouldn't you be somewhere getting a Brazil wax?

Between your eyes.

That look only works in Tashkent.

EDUARDO CORDOVA PRESENTS
SUNDANZE @ JET Nightclub at The Mirage
3400 Las Vegas Boulevard South
Las Vegas, NV 89109

To Reserve the VIP for you and your Mean Girls give a ringle to 702-792-7900 .

1030pm - until Linsday Lohan shows up (that's always the time to leave).

Follow Eduardo Cordova Presents on Twitter at @EDUARDOPRESENTS

Leather Couture Jewelry by Jessica Galindo

Meet Jessica Galindo as she shows you her jewelry collection, "Leather Couture by Jessica Galindo". The prices are way affordable! I have bought and given away scads of her line!