Notes for the Book I Have Finally been Convinced to Write

The Book of Derek 3:14 (Chapter Synopsis - working) 1: People I Loathe: People who refer to those Gawdawful Sausage Casing dresses that tourists wear to clubs on the Strip as, "Bandage Dresses." Listen, the MASH 4077th didn't have enough bandages to cover the asses of Misti and her Bridal party so what makes you think Herve Leger would? 2: Black People who say, "African American" when no white people, or a grant, are in the room. Yeah, and the ones who say, "Creole", when asked what they are. Um, bet her dad says, "Black," when he laments her choices. 3: Vegans. Self Explanatory. Actually. I. Can't. Resist. Why is it that VEEEganz at "Activism Workshops ("No clapping, just snaps, and be mindful of language." Eat my a....) always get to eat first? They say it's because they only have so many choices whereas Non-Vegans (They mean destroyers of the earth.) have so many choices. I can think of maybe five or six animals I would eat. You can walk down any alley after a rain and find all sorts of Vegan delights. Growing abundantly. Through the cracks in the pavement. If Vegans were honest to themselves (Ok. I can't stop laughing!), they would admit it's something they picked up in High School after reading some Sylvia Plath crap (yeah I know, hard life, douche husband, Amana Radar range.....) and not being allowed to date their CISgender cousin. Admit it Vegans. You get to go first because you think you're special. Know what I do at Workshops? I get in line with the Vegans, say, "I'm Black, where my damn 40 acres to grow yo damn edemame and kale? Yeah that's I thought!" Then I eat as many lentils as possible while dominating the table with Gil Scott-Heron lyric dissections (this really scares white libs). 2:People I Like Carolyn Goodman. I KNOW RIGHT!!!????!!!! Listen, all my life I have admired "Broads". Name me a better construct of a Broad than CG?? Go ahead, I'm waiting. You just know she can drink rum and gin in the same night and still wrap her wash and set before going to bed. At some point I am sure she has taken some bleached blonde hussy by the tassles and held her head in a toilet bowl at the Riviera while repeatedly flushing it for getting too friendly with Oscar. Without a breaking an acrylic French tip. That my friends is the type of Broad I love. I also have to give her credit for managing to be a guest of honor at the new Gay Center opening even though she has made it clear LGBT rights are not on her plate. Hey, if she can pull that off, power to her. The board of the Center on the other hand...... Tony Hsieh is my f'n hero. He does. And in this world of think think study study apply apply ad nauseum I like his just do it moxie! To those of you who bitch about him, hey, buy whatever property you can afford now and thank him later. 3:Stuff That Cracks Me Up The Ironics are this new type of Downtowner who seriously think they are totally original yet yearn to be seen eating at Le Thai (it really is not that good people) and hope to one day live in The Habitrail (Ogden) where everyone else they know lives. Of course, who wouldn't want to live somewhere that allows, "us to put stickies on each others door, like when we bake cookies. We put stickies on doors saying come share!" Let a Bi... put a sticky on my door for anything other than, "Free Vodka in 1012!". The Ironic sits around the Beat talking about the new App they're working on and how original they are when they're ultimate goal is really to get to decorate their own cubicle in their really personal style. Dude. you wear hipster glasses and have never had sex that didn't involve a keyboard. Now, THAT'S Ironic. Oh well, back to the paying gig but stay tuned for more musing on life soon on Amazon from a Homo who's been jaded since Demi Moore beat me out for St Elmos Fire and bitter since Sam Harris never fell in love with me..

MACAYO: Mexican food for those who hate Mexican food

Ok. Let me just start out by saying that this is a great Mexican Food Restaurant. If you loathe Mexican food. Best thing about eating lunch here? It was out of me less than two hours later! Explosively. Really. I swear. My bud had a 2 for 1 coupon and asked me to join him to talk biz ,so, being cheap, fat and hungry, I said, "sure'. I knew where the place was ( who hasn't bought street drugs at some point in their lives? Don't judge me!) and made it there only to enter 1981 Mexico. The "decor" is barely that. Some frescoes of someone's idea of Mexico could have used a Silkwood shower and the tables looked like ,well, nothing. The first bad sign? Stale, tasteless chips and some sort of salsa juice. WTF? I mean this set up was so bad even my friend (who will eat anything.) only finished 1/4 of them. The menu is very typical White suburbia version of Mexican "Combinacciones Platos". I was actually in the mood for that. It's like you know it's not real Mexican food but you love it anyway. And then I made a mistake that would cause our waitress, Surlyrella, to decide that she and I were NOT going to be Freunden. Not. "You know what? I'll have a cheese taco as well as my Enchiladas", I gamely said to the looming rock of hate. "CHEESE TACO?', she hissed. We stared at each other like two mean Wildebeest about to go all Wild Kingdom on each other. Being Gay, I was not about to back down. "It's a TACO WITH CHEESE", I looked her gaze right back at her now beady steely eyes. "Hmph", she shot back in a way that said, "screw you and your mother for letting you down the birth canal!" So. The "food" came. As did the next twenty minutes of my choking down some of the blandest globs of cheese, rice and beans that I have endured since Swanson decided to take on the Mexican TV tray market. It came, but it didn't went fast enough for me. Fast forward to me back at work breaking my cardinal rule, "No number 2 at the office!' Explosively. Oh yeah. That cheese taco? A hard shell with some cheese shoved in with that nasty from the bag shredded lettuce you get on clearance at Food For Less. Despicable. I hate this place and strongly suggest you eat at , well, anywhere other than here. MACAYO 1741 E Charleston Blvd Las Vegas, NV 89104 Neighborhood: Downtown (702) 382-5605

Paris Is Burning

This movie is possibly the best documentary ever made on the subject of being poor, Gay and of color. Watch it and share!

SHARE: The ONLY Place You Need To Know About In Gay Vegas!

Hola Cholas!

And assorted other Glamzillas.

It's the weekend in Las Vegas and one is simply swamped with places to go and people to do...oh, wait, THINGS to do.

My bad.

So. Where is one to go that won't be just another flaccid night of tired DJ's and draft beer in a pitcher (though Moi has been known to put a hurtin' on a draft beer in a pitcher. I'm jes sayin'.)?

Where you ask?

You did ask.

Really. I swear.

Where?

SHARE!

The hottest new swank place to wave your hands in the air like you just don't care is, say it with me this time, SHARE.

Located convenient to, but not swamped by the traffic of The Strip, SHARE is THE place to see and be seen. On Friday nights you'll be putting on your wig hat and high heeled sneakers for Paul Nichols Stripper Circus. It's La La Land's ultra sexy fab u lush party served up Las Vegas Style with DJ CHI CHI LaRue and the the sexual DJ Nick Ayler. Every 3rd Wednesday DJ Lisa Pittman serves up the hot chicas at BootyBar. There's a $500 prize for the best tail on Cotton Tail Mondays, oh my. The Fabulous Edie is the hostest with the mostest weekly at The Biz: A Weekly Cast Party with the best entertainers from The Strip showing you what they got in a tres intimate setting. Did I mention there's 2-4-1 Cocktails those nights starting at 10pm? Now I have. And of course Saturday is everybody's fave night to get hot and sweaty on the dance floor!

AND THERE'S NEVER A COVER CHARGE!

I said never.

Ok, let's talk about what's muy importante.

No Bitch, not my recent weight gain.

VIP TABLE SERVICE!

As you know, Moi never goes anywhere unless Moi is on the DJ. I mean on the DJ's list. And I would never sit anywhere but the VIP section con bottles of my favorite adult beverages. Never. Well, SHARE has the best table service in the Gay Las Vegas universe!

AND it's tres affordable starting at just $100! Uh hello, why are you still reading this? Shouldn't you be Tweeting your peeps and updating your Facebook status to "In The VIP Bitches!"?

Right?

By the by, if you manage to get your car out of the driveway in time SHARE has OPEN BAR!That's right from 10 PM to 11 PM just get out your DROID and text "isahre" to 313131 (must show text at door for open bar).

Did I mention SHARES serves up After Hours frivolity from 3am on every Friday and Saturday? They do.

So. Hurry on down and shake your groove thing while you oggle the parade of cuties at SHARE.

Now.

I said now.





4636 Wynn Road
Las Vegas
Nevada
89103
702-258-2681

www.sharenightclub.com

MOVIES I HAVE NO INTENTION OF SEEING THIS WEEKEND

ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: CHIPWRECKED



Starring: Lindsay Lohan, the Unattractive Youngest Kardashian, Snooki, Coco and Tilda Swinton.

What It's About: At a rehab center in Pahrump, Nevada, a group of women sit in a "Truth Circle" and discuss how they ended up there.

Why I won't be seeing it: I really don't care if critics are calling this, "Snooki's breakout role! She steals the show! Oscar, now calling Jersey!", as far as I'm concerned she lost me when she hooked up with "The Situation". Well,that and the fact that she stole a pair of my boxers when we were in jail together.

Oh. Wait. Never mind.

I. Digress.

My other issue with this is the sadness that has become of Lindsay Lohan. Her name may be above the title (as "Amber" the Meth addicted Dominatrix) but her career is truly under the bridge. It's hard to look at her in this B version of "Beyond The Valley of The Ultravixens" without thinking of her former greatness in roles such "Inappropriate Hot White Dress In Courtroom","Coke Whore '08", "Mugshot #12", "The Black Kid Was Driving!" and my personal fave, "I'm On The DJ's List (and tongue)".

Sad. Indeed.

And #WTF is Coco doing in this mish mash of dreck?!? She deserves far better! Was there not a Serbian porn she could have been doing? The Kardashian girl continues her long slide to the abyss as "Solange Knowles" in a quirky bit of casting that just seems to go nowhere.

How apropos. No?

Tilda Swinton reprises her role as the Father on "The Munsters" TV series from the 60's. She hasn't changed a bit since her days as "Herman".

Not. One. Bit.

Really.

I swear.

BIG MIRACLE

Starring: John "Didn't I use to screw Jennifer Aniston? Or, somebody?" Krasinski, Drew Barrymore and, I kid you not, a bunch of Grey Whales.

What It's About: Oh My Gawd Chandler Bing, it is SERIOUSLY about fucking Greenpeace volunteers trying to save a family of Grey Whales stuck in the ice.

Why I Won't Be Seeing It: Have I ever explained my theory of "Towel Sex" to you?

Well.

Towel Sex is when you hook up with someone and right before the needle hits the record (that's a metaphor for sex. Dumbass.) the person (trick) that you've, um, acquired, says, "oh wait a minute, I'll be right back!"

As you stand there with a pole that could tent Rigley's Barnum and Baileys' Big Top, they go off into a closet and come back with a TOWEL! Why is that a problem you ask?

If you didn't ask, you deserve Towel Sex.

It is a problem because from the moment you start laying the pipe you are not going to move off of that 4x2 piece of real estate.

You aint bangin' in the kitchen.

There won't be any use of garden objects outside.

There will be no fighting over the wet spot later.

It's up and down like a Mormon in El Salvador.

Missionary and you're done.

Why is this important to this movie?

I am glad you asked.

You did ask. Right?

It is important because no one who has ever been a part of or donated to freaking Green Peace has ever had hot sex.

Ever.

Why would I sit through a movie about dull ass Green Peace people if I know that somewhere in their hemp rucksack they've got a towel specifically to have bad towel sex?

I think about these things.

I know. You're thinking I don't care about animals.

Au contraire.

I love animals.

They're tasty.

GHOSTRIDER

Starring: That balding dude who used to be really hot and is now just sorta sad because he'll do any movie that pays him enough for a hit of Rogaine and a Red Bull. I don't know who else but I'm sure there's a random white girl and a sympathetic little white boy.

Why I Won't Be Seeing It: That balding dude who used to be really hot and is now just sorta sad because he'll do any movie that pays him enough for a hit of Rogaine and a Red Bull.

What It's About: That balding dude who used to be really hot and is now just sorta sad because he'll do any movie that pays him enough for a hit of Rogaine and a Red Bull.

AB FAB IS BACK! FULL EPISODE HERE!!

No matter what you may have heard, the characters Patsy and Edina are NOT, Moi Repeats, NOT based on Moiself and Moi's eternal bestie, one Nelson Tunon of the Sherman Oaks Tunons.

Au contraire.

Or whatever the Frogs say when they aren't in full retreat mode.

Regardless of what outfit the zaftig Edina may squeeze herself into, or, how many close scrapes with the gendarmes of various countries Nelson may just escape, we are NOT the reason Ab Fab and Patsy and Edina exist.

If we were you can bloody well be sure we'd be in the courts of England at this very moment demanding our pound of quids or whatever they call their filthy lucre over their.

Of course that would require Moi ignoring that silly little annoyance in Moi's paasport that says something about not being "allowed in Her Majesty's Kingdom".

Ever.

Again.

Really.

I swear.

Where was I?

Oh. Yes.

Well.

After far too long. And just in time for Nelsons' (I believe he's claiming) 41st birthday (again), AB FAB IS BACK!

And lucky vous, you can watch the latest leaked epi right aqui!

Grab a bottle of your chilliest and prepare to take a trip down memory lane right past your future!

Moi presentez Vous, ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS!!!

The Videodrome Discothèque Vault Presents: The New Absolutely Fabulous Episode!!! from Videodrome Discothèque on Vimeo.

How To Tie A Bow Tie with Michael From STITCHED

Moi is forever trying to learn how to tie a Bow Tie. Recently, I stopped into my fave fashion establishment, STITCHED at The Comopolitan and had Michael do his best to teach me how to do what should be a rather simple thing.

Should be.

Well, Michael does the best at explaining this of anyone I have ever seen, and yet, I STILL can't do it!

Good Luck!



STITCHED
The Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas
3708 Las Vegas Boulevard South
Las Vegas, NV 89109