Wednesday, February 6, 2013

MACAYO: Mexican food for those who hate Mexican food

Ok. Let me just start out by saying that this is a great Mexican Food Restaurant. If you loathe Mexican food. Best thing about eating lunch here? It was out of me less than two hours later! Explosively. Really. I swear. My bud had a 2 for 1 coupon and asked me to join him to talk biz ,so, being cheap, fat and hungry, I said, "sure'. I knew where the place was ( who hasn't bought street drugs at some point in their lives? Don't judge me!) and made it there only to enter 1981 Mexico. The "decor" is barely that. Some frescoes of someone's idea of Mexico could have used a Silkwood shower and the tables looked like ,well, nothing. The first bad sign? Stale, tasteless chips and some sort of salsa juice. WTF? I mean this set up was so bad even my friend (who will eat anything.) only finished 1/4 of them. The menu is very typical White suburbia version of Mexican "Combinacciones Platos". I was actually in the mood for that. It's like you know it's not real Mexican food but you love it anyway. And then I made a mistake that would cause our waitress, Surlyrella, to decide that she and I were NOT going to be Freunden. Not. "You know what? I'll have a cheese taco as well as my Enchiladas", I gamely said to the looming rock of hate. "CHEESE TACO?', she hissed. We stared at each other like two mean Wildebeest about to go all Wild Kingdom on each other. Being Gay, I was not about to back down. "It's a TACO WITH CHEESE", I looked her gaze right back at her now beady steely eyes. "Hmph", she shot back in a way that said, "screw you and your mother for letting you down the birth canal!" So. The "food" came. As did the next twenty minutes of my choking down some of the blandest globs of cheese, rice and beans that I have endured since Swanson decided to take on the Mexican TV tray market. It came, but it didn't went fast enough for me. Fast forward to me back at work breaking my cardinal rule, "No number 2 at the office!' Explosively. Oh yeah. That cheese taco? A hard shell with some cheese shoved in with that nasty from the bag shredded lettuce you get on clearance at Food For Less. Despicable. I hate this place and strongly suggest you eat at , well, anywhere other than here. MACAYO 1741 E Charleston Blvd Las Vegas, NV 89104 Neighborhood: Downtown (702) 382-5605

Friday, July 20, 2012

Paris Is Burning

This movie is possibly the best documentary ever made on the subject of being poor, Gay and of color. Watch it and share!

Saturday, March 31, 2012

SHARE: The ONLY Place You Need To Know About In Gay Vegas!






Hola Cholas!

And assorted other Glamzillas.

It's the weekend in Las Vegas and one is simply swamped with places to go and people to do...oh, wait, THINGS to do.

My bad.

So. Where is one to go that won't be just another flaccid night of tired DJ's and draft beer in a pitcher (though Moi has been known to put a hurtin' on a draft beer in a pitcher. I'm jes sayin'.)?

Where you ask?

You did ask.

Really. I swear.

Where?

SHARE!

The hottest new swank place to wave your hands in the air like you just don't care is, say it with me this time, SHARE.

Located convenient to, but not swamped by the traffic of The Strip, SHARE is THE place to see and be seen. On Friday nights you'll be putting on your wig hat and high heeled sneakers for Paul Nichols Stripper Circus. It's La La Land's ultra sexy fab u lush party served up Las Vegas Style with DJ CHI CHI LaRue and the the sexual DJ Nick Ayler. Every 3rd Wednesday DJ Lisa Pittman serves up the hot chicas at BootyBar. There's a $500 prize for the best tail on Cotton Tail Mondays, oh my. The Fabulous Edie is the hostest with the mostest weekly at The Biz: A Weekly Cast Party with the best entertainers from The Strip showing you what they got in a tres intimate setting. Did I mention there's 2-4-1 Cocktails those nights starting at 10pm? Now I have. And of course Saturday is everybody's fave night to get hot and sweaty on the dance floor!

AND THERE'S NEVER A COVER CHARGE!

I said never.

Ok, let's talk about what's muy importante.

No Bitch, not my recent weight gain.

VIP TABLE SERVICE!

As you know, Moi never goes anywhere unless Moi is on the DJ. I mean on the DJ's list. And I would never sit anywhere but the VIP section con bottles of my favorite adult beverages. Never. Well, SHARE has the best table service in the Gay Las Vegas universe!

AND it's tres affordable starting at just $100! Uh hello, why are you still reading this? Shouldn't you be Tweeting your peeps and updating your Facebook status to "In The VIP Bitches!"?

Right?

By the by, if you manage to get your car out of the driveway in time SHARE has OPEN BAR!That's right from 10 PM to 11 PM just get out your DROID and text "isahre" to 313131 (must show text at door for open bar).

Did I mention SHARES serves up After Hours frivolity from 3am on every Friday and Saturday? They do.

So. Hurry on down and shake your groove thing while you oggle the parade of cuties at SHARE.

Now.

I said now.





4636 Wynn Road
Las Vegas
Nevada
89103
702-258-2681

www.sharenightclub.com

Friday, March 2, 2012

MOVIES I HAVE NO INTENTION OF SEEING THIS WEEKEND


ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: CHIPWRECKED



Starring: Lindsay Lohan, the Unattractive Youngest Kardashian, Snooki, Coco and Tilda Swinton.

What It's About: At a rehab center in Pahrump, Nevada, a group of women sit in a "Truth Circle" and discuss how they ended up there.

Why I won't be seeing it: I really don't care if critics are calling this, "Snooki's breakout role! She steals the show! Oscar, now calling Jersey!", as far as I'm concerned she lost me when she hooked up with "The Situation". Well,that and the fact that she stole a pair of my boxers when we were in jail together.

Oh. Wait. Never mind.

I. Digress.

My other issue with this is the sadness that has become of Lindsay Lohan. Her name may be above the title (as "Amber" the Meth addicted Dominatrix) but her career is truly under the bridge. It's hard to look at her in this B version of "Beyond The Valley of The Ultravixens" without thinking of her former greatness in roles such "Inappropriate Hot White Dress In Courtroom","Coke Whore '08", "Mugshot #12", "The Black Kid Was Driving!" and my personal fave, "I'm On The DJ's List (and tongue)".

Sad. Indeed.

And #WTF is Coco doing in this mish mash of dreck?!? She deserves far better! Was there not a Serbian porn she could have been doing? The Kardashian girl continues her long slide to the abyss as "Solange Knowles" in a quirky bit of casting that just seems to go nowhere.

How apropos. No?

Tilda Swinton reprises her role as the Father on "The Munsters" TV series from the 60's. She hasn't changed a bit since her days as "Herman".

Not. One. Bit.

Really.

I swear.

BIG MIRACLE

Starring: John "Didn't I use to screw Jennifer Aniston? Or, somebody?" Krasinski, Drew Barrymore and, I kid you not, a bunch of Grey Whales.

What It's About: Oh My Gawd Chandler Bing, it is SERIOUSLY about fucking Greenpeace volunteers trying to save a family of Grey Whales stuck in the ice.

Why I Won't Be Seeing It: Have I ever explained my theory of "Towel Sex" to you?

Well.

Towel Sex is when you hook up with someone and right before the needle hits the record (that's a metaphor for sex. Dumbass.) the person (trick) that you've, um, acquired, says, "oh wait a minute, I'll be right back!"

As you stand there with a pole that could tent Rigley's Barnum and Baileys' Big Top, they go off into a closet and come back with a TOWEL! Why is that a problem you ask?

If you didn't ask, you deserve Towel Sex.

It is a problem because from the moment you start laying the pipe you are not going to move off of that 4x2 piece of real estate.

You aint bangin' in the kitchen.

There won't be any use of garden objects outside.

There will be no fighting over the wet spot later.

It's up and down like a Mormon in El Salvador.

Missionary and you're done.

Why is this important to this movie?

I am glad you asked.

You did ask. Right?

It is important because no one who has ever been a part of or donated to freaking Green Peace has ever had hot sex.

Ever.

Why would I sit through a movie about dull ass Green Peace people if I know that somewhere in their hemp rucksack they've got a towel specifically to have bad towel sex?

I think about these things.

I know. You're thinking I don't care about animals.

Au contraire.

I love animals.

They're tasty.

GHOSTRIDER

Starring: That balding dude who used to be really hot and is now just sorta sad because he'll do any movie that pays him enough for a hit of Rogaine and a Red Bull. I don't know who else but I'm sure there's a random white girl and a sympathetic little white boy.

Why I Won't Be Seeing It: That balding dude who used to be really hot and is now just sorta sad because he'll do any movie that pays him enough for a hit of Rogaine and a Red Bull.

What It's About: That balding dude who used to be really hot and is now just sorta sad because he'll do any movie that pays him enough for a hit of Rogaine and a Red Bull.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

How To Tie A Bow Tie with Michael From STITCHED



Moi is forever trying to learn how to tie a Bow Tie. Recently, I stopped into my fave fashion establishment, STITCHED at The Comopolitan and had Michael do his best to teach me how to do what should be a rather simple thing.

Should be.

Well, Michael does the best at explaining this of anyone I have ever seen, and yet, I STILL can't do it!

Good Luck!



STITCHED
The Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas
3708 Las Vegas Boulevard South
Las Vegas, NV 89109

Sunday, October 23, 2011

MOVIES I HAVE NO INTENTION OF SEEING THIS WEEKEND






THE BIG YEAR

Starring: Jack Black, who I admit to finding oddly hot. Owen "Always up and down, never across" Wilson. Steve Martin, who hasn't been interesting since he started taking himself seriously in '79. Rashida Jones, who is light enough to totally be the 21st Century Jennifer Beals white boy fantasy hot colored chick.

WHAT IT'S ABOUT: What are these movies ALWAYS about? Somebody met someone at "an industry function", said, "man, I really love your work, we should really do something together", only to be reminded by whomever the low man on the totem pole is "people" the following Monday about the "verbal commitment". Shit. Another Steve Martin /Owen Wilson/ Jack Black movie. Shit.

WHY I WON'T BE SEEING IT: I am sorry, but, these prepackaged "Guy" films leave my nuts in need of an extra layer of fur, i.e. COLD. The only thing this one is missing is Billy Crystal in a "poignant, uncredited, scene stealing turn as Martins' down on his luck therapist / Jack Black's Jewish uncle with Alzheimers / Owen Wilson's coke dealer.

Blech.

ABDUCTION:

STARRING: Taylor "I'm hot but not very good at this acting thing" Lautner and some white girl.

WHAT IT'S ABOUT: You have to ask? This is a vehicle to wring every ounce of Lautner's hot status amongst the Smells Like Teen Spirit crowd into a fistful of dollars. Have you seen the previews? If only Pee Wee Herman had been hot, the places he could have gone... Lautner whines his way through the lines in the trailer in such an annoying way I almost couldn't notice his insanely hot bits of boy/man chewy goodness.

But. I digress.

WHY I WON'T BE SEEING IT: Sitting through 90 minutes of Taylor Lautner in anything other than "Virgin Twink Hookers of Prague" is just not my idea of an evening.

WHAT'S YOUR NUMBER?

STARRING: That one white girl I really liked in that one movie that made me laugh so hard that I almost ruptured my spleen and farted.

WHAT IT'S ABOUT: This is totally some crazy premise. Evidently, home chick has had like twice the national average of sexual partners (10.5) and now, she's afraid no one will ever want her cooch long enough to marry her.

Okay. On what planet is 10.5 the national average for sexual partners? That's a decent weekend in Weho. Is this why straight guys are always so freakin' horned up all the time. They can't get any poonielicious? Is 10.5 is the national average, well, I must be.... uh...what are you looking at? Don't judge me!

DOLPHIN TALE

STARRING: A disabled Dolphin (Newt Gingrich in an "Oscar Calling!" wide screen debut) and Morgan Freeman (of course it stars Morgan Freeman). Ashley "The Least Crazy" Judd.

WHAT IT'S ABOUT: Gingrich, having finally realized that his chances at getting the keys to the front door of The White House are as remote as Marcus Bachman not popping a chubby during a UFC match, makes his screen debut as a Sea Mammal without a tail who faced with a life of no longer being a star attraction at Sea World, decides to be a drug courier for Freeman's "Big Daddy Monster Cane".

Judd is the pretty, yet lethal, DEA agent assigned to bring down Freeman before he can get his new drug, "MoFo" to the streets of Provo through a massive tunnel he is building from the Baja coast.

It could happen.

Judd befriends Gingrich (they once had a thing when she was training dolphins for the mission to kill Gaddafi during Bush II.) and gets him to turn against Big Daddy in an anti-climatic Michael Bay inspired showdown at a Sushi restaurant in Reno.

Okay, so I made this up. BUT. It's no more ludicrous than Newt "You got cancer? I've got a new girlfriend! What luck!" Gingrich ever being the next President.

WHY I WON'T BE SEEING IT: Dolphins are for Sushi.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Downtown Las Vegas: The Beat





"Where everybody knows your name..."

If you have ever heard the theme song from "Cheers" and got that warm et fuzzy feeling then you will feel right at home at the only cool coffeehouse / hang in Las Vegas, "The Beat."

I have yet to settle down for a spot of work here and not run into everyone.

Who. Is. Anyone.

Really. I swear.

From politicians to local starlets (Hello Princess Ann!), this is the place to sit back and watch the world go by Vegas style. I could come here for the people watching alone, however, where else can you also decide to throw some Rolling Stones or "Thank God It's Friday" on the record player (NOT JUKEBOX! Thank you very much!) while you are munching on some of the house specialties and discussing the state of everything?

With everyone.

I ask?

So.

Let's get down to the munchables. Shall we?

We shall.

My own personal fave is the Croque Monsieur, a delicious, cheesy bit of perfection. Let's be honest here, you slap some dead pig on a crunchy bread and smother it in tangy cheese and you have this chubbette in your hands like a Kardashian in front of a camera.

Smitten.

You can pretty much order anything here and be more than happy. Most everyone I know loves the "Slap & Tickle."

Oh. Stop. Dirty minds are the Devils bocce ball court.

"Slap & Tickle" is The Beat's own little take on the classic Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich.

Well. After you add Bacon and Jalapenos.

You do add Bacon and Jalapenos. Don't you?

Well. Now. You. Will.

Owners, Jennifer and Michael Cornthwaite are what one might call "Downtown Royalty". Much like their counterparts further south in the Downtown Arts District (officially the "18b District" but I can't stand that name. Sounds like it's trying to hard to be Austin. Or someplace with good public transportation.) have been flying the Downtown flag for years and years before local politicians decided it was a good applause line to tout "the revitalization of Downtown" (spare me.). The Beat is located in the much larger "Emergency Arts Center" where, especially on the weekends, you are bound to find everything from great art, vintage LP's (it's a vinyl disc that makes music magically appear.), art, fashion and even a fancy hairdresser and hip production company.

I believe in airline terms, it's a "hub".

Of cultura.

Hints:

Get a table near the window if you want to be left alone. You won't be, but, you will look dramatic and rather Zelda Fitzgerald sitting by the window in an Edward Hopper sorta way. When your friends see you, the first thing they will think is, "they've taken up reading." Or some such flattery.

Park at The El Cortez. But. Make sure you walk through the casino to The Beat just across the street.

Why? Well, I said so. Oh, you need a reason? Fine. because it is the coolest place on the planet!

Okay?

Block at least two hours to be there and expect to stay longer. Once you settle in, you may never want to leave. Me? I take my meetings there. Back to back. I have gone from early am to sundown sitting my life away in my Zelda table many a day.

It's that cool.

Oh yeah.

They have coffee too.

THE BEAT
520 Fremont St
Ste 101
Las Vegas, NV 89101
(702) 409-5563
www.thebeatlv.com

Hours:
Mon-Fri 7 am - 12 am
Sat 9 am - 12 am
Sun 9 am - 5 pm
Takes Reservations: No
Accepts Credit Cards: Yes
Parking: Garage, Street, Valet
Attire: Casual
Good for Groups: Yes
Good for Kids: No
Price Range: $
Delivery: No
Take-out: Yes
Waiter Service: No
Outdoor Seating: No
Wi-Fi: Free
Good For: Lunch
Music: Juke Box
Best Nights: Fri, Thu, Sat
Happy Hour: Yes
Alcohol: Beer & Wine Only
Smoking: No
Coat Check: No
Noise Level: Average
Good For Dancing: No
Ambience: Hipster, Casual
Has TV: No
Wheelchair Accessible: Yes