“I'm invisible! I'm not even here! No one looks at me. They look right through me.” Yup. Another exciting night with my friend Bob. 55. Chubby. White. Balding. Not just alone. Lonely. Miserable. Old. And after 2 and 1 quarter vodka orange buckets of misery, a complete boor. And about to start crying if I don't stop flirting with the guy over his shoulder and get him to his fallback, food.
“I've said it before.” I know this part of Bob's next overly dramatic performance. It's the whole, “if I don't find someone soon. To love me. To hold me at night. ..I'm going to end it….” I glaze over as he launches in and imagine myself handing him the broken bucket glass with instructions in my best Rose McGowan, “up and down. Never across.”
Bob is not dealing with the whole gay guy getting old thing well.
“I don't really think the rules apply to gay guys.” My 22 year old best friend, Christophe. “Active gay guys like you, well, it's still cool if you go out to bars or pool parties. Though you may want to lay off the pancakes after the Garage before next season.” Out of the mouths of bitches. I mean, babes.
I get his point, but I'm 52.
I can say all I want that Black doesn't crack. Or yellow stays mellow. But I'm 52 freaking years old. I'm an AARP member for fuck sake. I remember Julia. The colored nurse, not the abnormally large cook. Oh God, I remember her too. I was there when Alexis showed up in the courtroom. I grew up with a black and white TV.
Gay and old.
Whether I like it or not I'm a senior citizen. Kill me and sell my bones to the Soylent Green corporation. If they'll deal in past date fat products.
Gay and old.
You never see 40 year old straight guys at Rehab. If you do, everyone there is looking at dude in his long board shorts like wtf? No one bats an eye at a 60 year old guy in a speedo with pierced nipples at a Luxor Gay pool party. It just seems like we never have to grow up. Something just seems wrong to me about that.
I don't know why.
I look at my friends from high school on Facebook. The jocks all look worn out. Fat. Sloppy. Tired. What happened? We're the same age. Come from the same place. I can only conclude, straight happened. They grew up. It's what straight people do.
Why haven't I? Why haven't I had to? When do I? Will I?
This shit is freaking me out.
Want to know how other LGBTQ feel about aging? Check out “Gen Silent” which airs TONIGHT Monday, Nov. 9 at 9pm ET/PT on Logo. TRAILER: http://logo.to/1P0f8ZB
Let me just start out by saying that this is a great Mexican Food Restaurant.
If you loathe Mexican food.
Best thing about eating lunch here? It was out of me less than two hours later!
Really. I swear.
My bud had a 2 for 1 coupon and asked me to join him to talk biz ,so, being cheap, fat and hungry, I said, "sure'. I knew where the place was ( who hasn't bought street drugs at some point in their lives? Don't judge me!) and made it there only to enter 1981 Mexico. The "decor" is barely that. Some frescoes of someone's idea of Mexico could have used a Silkwood shower and the tables looked like ,well, nothing.
The first bad sign? Stale, tasteless chips and some sort of salsa juice. WTF? I mean this set up was so bad even my friend (who will eat anything.) only finished 1/4 of them.
The menu is very typical White suburbia version of Mexican "Combinacciones Platos". I was actually in the mood for that. It's like you know it's not real Mexican food but you love it anyway.
And then I made a mistake that would cause our waitress, Surlyrella, to decide that she and I were NOT going to be Freunden.
"You know what? I'll have a cheese taco as well as my Enchiladas", I gamely said to the looming rock of hate. "CHEESE TACO?', she hissed.
We stared at each other like two mean Wildebeest about to go all Wild Kingdom on each other. Being Gay, I was not about to back down.
"It's a TACO WITH CHEESE", I looked her gaze right back at her now beady steely eyes.
"Hmph", she shot back in a way that said, "screw you and your mother for letting you down the birth canal!"
The "food" came.
As did the next twenty minutes of my choking down some of the blandest globs of cheese, rice and beans that I have endured since Swanson decided to take on the Mexican TV tray market.
It came, but it didn't went fast enough for me.
Fast forward to me back at work breaking my cardinal rule, "No number 2 at the office!'
Oh yeah. That cheese taco? A hard shell with some cheese shoved in with that nasty from the bag shredded lettuce you get on clearance at Food For Less. Despicable.
I hate this place and strongly suggest you eat at , well, anywhere other than here.
1741 E Charleston Blvd
Las Vegas, NV 89104
The hottest new swank place to wave your hands in the air like you just don't care is, say it with me this time, SHARE.
Located convenient to, but not swamped by the traffic of The Strip, SHARE is THE place to see and be seen. On Friday nights you'll be putting on your wig hat and high heeled sneakers for Paul Nichols Stripper Circus. It's La La Land's ultra sexy fab u lush party served up Las Vegas Style with DJ CHI CHI LaRue and the the sexual DJ Nick Ayler. Every 3rd Wednesday DJ Lisa Pittman serves up the hot chicas at BootyBar. There's a $500 prize for the best tail on Cotton Tail Mondays, oh my. The Fabulous Edie is the hostest with the mostest weekly at The Biz: A Weekly Cast Party with the best entertainers from The Strip showing you what they got in a tres intimate setting. Did I mention there's 2-4-1 Cocktails those nights starting at 10pm? Now I have. And of course Saturday is everybody's fave night to get hot and sweaty on the dance floor!
AND THERE'S NEVER A COVER CHARGE!
I said never.
Ok, let's talk about what's muy importante.
No Bitch, not my recent weight gain.
VIP TABLE SERVICE!
As you know, Moi never goes anywhere unless Moi is on the DJ. I mean on the DJ's list. And I would never sit anywhere but the VIP section con bottles of my favorite adult beverages. Never. Well, SHARE has the best table service in the Gay Las Vegas universe!
AND it's tres affordable starting at just $100! Uh hello, why are you still reading this? Shouldn't you be Tweeting your peeps and updating your Facebook status to "In The VIP Bitches!"?
By the by, if you manage to get your car out of the driveway in time SHARE has OPEN BAR!That's right from 10 PM to 11 PM just get out your DROID and text "isahre" to 313131 (must show text at door for open bar).
Did I mention SHARES serves up After Hours frivolity from 3am on every Friday and Saturday? They do.
So. Hurry on down and shake your groove thing while you oggle the parade of cuties at SHARE.
I said now.
4636 Wynn Road Las Vegas Nevada 89103 702-258-2681
Starring: Lindsay Lohan, the Unattractive Youngest Kardashian, Snooki, Coco and Tilda Swinton.
What It's About: At a rehab center in Pahrump, Nevada, a group of women sit in a "Truth Circle" and discuss how they ended up there.
Why I won't be seeing it: I really don't care if critics are calling this, "Snooki's breakout role! She steals the show! Oscar, now calling Jersey!", as far as I'm concerned she lost me when she hooked up with "The Situation". Well,that and the fact that she stole a pair of my boxers when we were in jail together.
Oh. Wait. Never mind.
My other issue with this is the sadness that has become of Lindsay Lohan. Her name may be above the title (as "Amber" the Meth addicted Dominatrix) but her career is truly under the bridge. It's hard to look at her in this B version of "Beyond The Valley of The Ultravixens" without thinking of her former greatness in roles such "Inappropriate Hot White Dress In Courtroom","Coke Whore '08", "Mugshot #12", "The Black Kid Was Driving!" and my personal fave, "I'm On The DJ's List (and tongue)".
And #WTF is Coco doing in this mish mash of dreck?!? She deserves far better! Was there not a Serbian porn she could have been doing? The Kardashian girl continues her long slide to the abyss as "Solange Knowles" in a quirky bit of casting that just seems to go nowhere.
How apropos. No?
Tilda Swinton reprises her role as the Father on "The Munsters" TV series from the 60's. She hasn't changed a bit since her days as "Herman".
Not. One. Bit.
Starring: John "Didn't I use to screw Jennifer Aniston? Or, somebody?" Krasinski, Drew Barrymore and, I kid you not, a bunch of Grey Whales.
What It's About: Oh My Gawd Chandler Bing, it is SERIOUSLY about fucking Greenpeace volunteers trying to save a family of Grey Whales stuck in the ice.
Why I Won't Be Seeing It: Have I ever explained my theory of "Towel Sex" to you?
Towel Sex is when you hook up with someone and right before the needle hits the record (that's a metaphor for sex. Dumbass.) the person (trick) that you've, um, acquired, says, "oh wait a minute, I'll be right back!"
As you stand there with a pole that could tent Rigley's Barnum and Baileys' Big Top, they go off into a closet and come back with a TOWEL! Why is that a problem you ask?
If you didn't ask, you deserve Towel Sex.
It is a problem because from the moment you start laying the pipe you are not going to move off of that 4x2 piece of real estate.
You aint bangin' in the kitchen.
There won't be any use of garden objects outside.
There will be no fighting over the wet spot later.
It's up and down like a Mormon in El Salvador.
Missionary and you're done.
Why is this important to this movie?
I am glad you asked.
You did ask. Right?
It is important because no one who has ever been a part of or donated to freaking Green Peace has ever had hot sex.
Why would I sit through a movie about dull ass Green Peace people if I know that somewhere in their hemp rucksack they've got a towel specifically to have bad towel sex?
I think about these things.
I know. You're thinking I don't care about animals.
I love animals.
Starring: That balding dude who used to be really hot and is now just sorta sad because he'll do any movie that pays him enough for a hit of Rogaine and a Red Bull. I don't know who else but I'm sure there's a random white girl and a sympathetic little white boy.
Why I Won't Be Seeing It: That balding dude who used to be really hot and is now just sorta sad because he'll do any movie that pays him enough for a hit of Rogaine and a Red Bull.
What It's About: That balding dude who used to be really hot and is now just sorta sad because he'll do any movie that pays him enough for a hit of Rogaine and a Red Bull.
Moi is forever trying to learn how to tie a Bow Tie. Recently, I stopped into my fave fashion establishment, STITCHED at The Comopolitan and had Michael do his best to teach me how to do what should be a rather simple thing.
Well, Michael does the best at explaining this of anyone I have ever seen, and yet, I STILL can't do it!
STITCHED The Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas 3708 Las Vegas Boulevard South Las Vegas, NV 89109
Starring: Jack Black, who I admit to finding oddly hot. Owen "Always up and down, never across" Wilson. Steve Martin, who hasn't been interesting since he started taking himself seriously in '79. Rashida Jones, who is light enough to totally be the 21st Century Jennifer Beals white boy fantasy hot colored chick.
WHAT IT'S ABOUT: What are these movies ALWAYS about? Somebody met someone at "an industry function", said, "man, I really love your work, we should really do something together", only to be reminded by whomever the low man on the totem pole is "people" the following Monday about the "verbal commitment". Shit. Another Steve Martin /Owen Wilson/ Jack Black movie. Shit.
WHY I WON'T BE SEEING IT: I am sorry, but, these prepackaged "Guy" films leave my nuts in need of an extra layer of fur, i.e. COLD. The only thing this one is missing is Billy Crystal in a "poignant, uncredited, scene stealing turn as Martins' down on his luck therapist / Jack Black's Jewish uncle with Alzheimers / Owen Wilson's coke dealer.
STARRING: Taylor "I'm hot but not very good at this acting thing" Lautner and some white girl.
WHAT IT'S ABOUT: You have to ask? This is a vehicle to wring every ounce of Lautner's hot status amongst the Smells Like Teen Spirit crowd into a fistful of dollars. Have you seen the previews? If only Pee Wee Herman had been hot, the places he could have gone... Lautner whines his way through the lines in the trailer in such an annoying way I almost couldn't notice his insanely hot bits of boy/man chewy goodness.
But. I digress.
WHY I WON'T BE SEEING IT: Sitting through 90 minutes of Taylor Lautner in anything other than "Virgin Twink Hookers of Prague" is just not my idea of an evening.
WHAT'S YOUR NUMBER?
STARRING: That one white girl I really liked in that one movie that made me laugh so hard that I almost ruptured my spleen and farted.
WHAT IT'S ABOUT: This is totally some crazy premise. Evidently, home chick has had like twice the national average of sexual partners (10.5) and now, she's afraid no one will ever want her cooch long enough to marry her.
Okay. On what planet is 10.5 the national average for sexual partners? That's a decent weekend in Weho. Is this why straight guys are always so freakin' horned up all the time. They can't get any poonielicious? Is 10.5 is the national average, well, I must be.... uh...what are you looking at? Don't judge me!
STARRING: A disabled Dolphin (Newt Gingrich in an "Oscar Calling!" wide screen debut) and Morgan Freeman (of course it stars Morgan Freeman). Ashley "The Least Crazy" Judd.
WHAT IT'S ABOUT: Gingrich, having finally realized that his chances at getting the keys to the front door of The White House are as remote as Marcus Bachman not popping a chubby during a UFC match, makes his screen debut as a Sea Mammal without a tail who faced with a life of no longer being a star attraction at Sea World, decides to be a drug courier for Freeman's "Big Daddy Monster Cane".
Judd is the pretty, yet lethal, DEA agent assigned to bring down Freeman before he can get his new drug, "MoFo" to the streets of Provo through a massive tunnel he is building from the Baja coast.
It could happen.
Judd befriends Gingrich (they once had a thing when she was training dolphins for the mission to kill Gaddafi during Bush II.) and gets him to turn against Big Daddy in an anti-climatic Michael Bay inspired showdown at a Sushi restaurant in Reno.
Okay, so I made this up. BUT. It's no more ludicrous than Newt "You got cancer? I've got a new girlfriend! What luck!" Gingrich ever being the next President.