Did Moi ever tell you about the time Moiself almost was the world's first Supermodel?
It was the 80's.
I was 12.
It was Milan or Paris or Pomona. One forgets.
Or tries to anyway.
There Moi was being fitted for a muy magnifico Lacroix or Stephen Sprouse, when this Amazonian terror came screeching in all cigarette smoke, lips and legs.
And a mouth that would make a Turkish sailor run to confession.
Moi sized up the competition and got sized up right back.
War. Plain and simple.
Moi was not one to lose a model war.
Or a beauty pageant.
This Amazon and Moi circled each other warily. Moi in a towel and just a hint of Jean Nate. SHE was in some slouchy bit of indifference that screamed "Rich Boyfriend".
Moi decided took go to the loo before coming back out and putting Miss Thing in her suburban place.
SOMEHOW, the door to the loo was stuck shut upon my exit.
Long story short, that Amazon took my place on the Catwalk that evening and somehow became Janice Dickinson at just the right moment in time to be heralded as the world's first Supermodel!
Here it is oh so many years later and Moi has gotten over her having the Fab career, hot Playboys, The model agency, Reality TV show and .....MOI'S LIFE!
Moi, being as gracious as Moiself is, am thrilled to know that Janice will be celebrating what must be her 21st birthday (Moi, after all, is a mere 20. Ish.) at , where else? Closet Sundays at Revolution Lounge.
The ultimate in Cuteness on The Strip, Eduardo Cordova, is throwing "un Birthday Boite de Swank" for Miss Dickinson this Sunday.
That's French for, "just get to the damn club and bring a friend to hold your hair in case you drink too much, 'cause Moi aint doin' it this week."
Did Moi mention that this little soiree is being sponsored by CRUSH?
You know what that means.
Must Moi tell Vous everything?
When CRUSH is in the Casa it means loads of CRUSH Cuties!
Since it is Moi's favorite holiday, Valentines Day, we'll be playing "My Secret Crush"!
And NO, Moi can not be your secret Crush!
There's still that issue of the restraining order.
As per the usual there will be Muy Caliente Go Go's abounding.
Oh yes Mon Petite Mess, there's gonna be:
$5 VODKA DRINKS! $5 COORS LIGHTS! $9 VODKA RED BULLS!
Admission is FREE for locals unlike other places that just leave Vous with a constant Kraving to be somewhere else.
DJ Jason Lema will be making you shake your rump to the funk all the nighty night long!
Of course, if one wants to get on the guest list or have a reserved table in The VIP, and who doesn't?
One simply must call VIP Host Legendaire, Jason Baca, possessor of the hottest little clipboard in town at 702-485-9294.
See you there Mon little Celebutantes!
Happy Birthday Miss Janice "I stole your life and I don't even regret it" Dickinson!
CLOSET SUNDAYS @ REVOLUTION LOUNGE
Mirage Resort & Casino 3400 S. Las Vegas, Blvd.
10PM UNTIL MOISELF GETS SO SICK OF LOOKING AT YOU THAT I STEAL YOUR MAN.
Starring: Drunken anti-Semite Mel "I am still pissed about the whole Jesus thing!" Gibson
Why I wont be seeing it: Any cineaste knows that without a doubt, the greatest line ever uttered in a motion picture, big or small screen, was Phoebe Cate's immortal line: "Which one of you Bitches is my Mother?", from "Lace".
The best line ever uttered by an actor off of the set is still Mel Gibson's, "What are you looking at Sugar Tits?"
Of course he then went on a rather unbecoming rant about the Jews owning Hollywood and some Batshit crazy stuff about the Holocaust or something very, very.
I love that "Sugar Tits" line so much I can almost forgive Mel for "Passion of The Christ" and even "Apocto-bore-o", but, the whole Holocaust and the Jews thing makes me nervous.
As a practitioner (rarely) of "The Love That Dare Not Speak It's Name", you now, cornholling, tossing salad, Anal Albert, cruising the Hershey Highway pulling a Ted Haggard, I am pretty sure that if Mel feels that way about the Jews, he probably REALLY hates The Gays.
You can forget about me going anywhere near Nutsie McNutsie or "Edge Of Darkness". WHEN IN ROME
Starring: Fergie's Husband and some white girl
Why I wont be seeing it: Ok, some white girl goes to Rome and throws money into a fountain and guys fall in love with her.
My last boyfriend threw me into a fountain and wasn't there when I got out.
Okay, yeah, this one hits a nerve.
Ok? IT'S COMPLICATED
Starring: Meryl Streep and the cast of "I've Fallen and I Can't Get It Up!"
There's nothing complicated about it.
Old people shouldn't have sex.
I removed the mirrors from my bedroom for a reason.
THE BOOK OF ELI Starring: Denzel Washington, Gary Oldman and Mile Kunis
Why I wont be seeing it: Listen people, Denzel has not been hot in 13 years.