Moi is forever trying to learn how to tie a Bow Tie. Recently, I stopped into my fave fashion establishment, STITCHED at The Comopolitan and had Michael do his best to teach me how to do what should be a rather simple thing.
Well, Michael does the best at explaining this of anyone I have ever seen, and yet, I STILL can't do it!
STITCHED The Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas 3708 Las Vegas Boulevard South Las Vegas, NV 89109
If you have ever heard the theme song from "Cheers" and got that warm et fuzzy feeling then you will feel right at home at the only cool coffeehouse / hang in Las Vegas, "The Beat."
I have yet to settle down for a spot of work here and not run into everyone.
Who. Is. Anyone.
Really. I swear.
From politicians to local starlets (Hello Princess Ann!), this is the place to sit back and watch the world go by Vegas style. I could come here for the people watching alone, however, where else can you also decide to throw some Rolling Stones or "Thank God It's Friday" on the record player (NOT JUKEBOX! Thank you very much!) while you are munching on some of the house specialties and discussing the state of everything?
Let's get down to the munchables. Shall we?
My own personal fave is the Croque Monsieur, a delicious, cheesy bit of perfection. Let's be honest here, you slap some dead pig on a crunchy bread and smother it in tangy cheese and you have this chubbette in your hands like a Kardashian in front of a camera.
You can pretty much order anything here and be more than happy. Most everyone I know loves the "Slap & Tickle."
Oh. Stop. Dirty minds are the Devils bocce ball court.
"Slap & Tickle" is The Beat's own little take on the classic Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich.
Well. After you add Bacon and Jalapenos.
You do add Bacon and Jalapenos. Don't you?
Well. Now. You. Will.
Owners, Jennifer and Michael Cornthwaite are what one might call "Downtown Royalty". Much like their counterparts further south in the Downtown Arts District (officially the "18b District" but I can't stand that name. Sounds like it's trying to hard to be Austin. Or someplace with good public transportation.) have been flying the Downtown flag for years and years before local politicians decided it was a good applause line to tout "the revitalization of Downtown" (spare me.). The Beat is located in the much larger "Emergency Arts Center" where, especially on the weekends, you are bound to find everything from great art, vintage LP's (it's a vinyl disc that makes music magically appear.), art, fashion and even a fancy hairdresser and hip production company.
I believe in airline terms, it's a "hub".
Get a table near the window if you want to be left alone. You won't be, but, you will look dramatic and rather Zelda Fitzgerald sitting by the window in an Edward Hopper sorta way. When your friends see you, the first thing they will think is, "they've taken up reading." Or some such flattery.
Park at The El Cortez. But. Make sure you walk through the casino to The Beat just across the street.
Why? Well, I said so. Oh, you need a reason? Fine. because it is the coolest place on the planet!
Block at least two hours to be there and expect to stay longer. Once you settle in, you may never want to leave. Me? I take my meetings there. Back to back. I have gone from early am to sundown sitting my life away in my Zelda table many a day.
It's that cool.
They have coffee too.
THE BEAT 520 Fremont St Ste 101 Las Vegas, NV 89101 (702) 409-5563 www.thebeatlv.com
Hours: Mon-Fri 7 am - 12 am Sat 9 am - 12 am Sun 9 am - 5 pm Takes Reservations: No Accepts Credit Cards: Yes Parking: Garage, Street, Valet Attire: Casual Good for Groups: Yes Good for Kids: No Price Range: $ Delivery: No Take-out: Yes Waiter Service: No Outdoor Seating: No Wi-Fi: Free Good For: Lunch Music: Juke Box Best Nights: Fri, Thu, Sat Happy Hour: Yes Alcohol: Beer & Wine Only Smoking: No Coat Check: No Noise Level: Average Good For Dancing: No Ambience: Hipster, Casual Has TV: No Wheelchair Accessible: Yes
It is chic in a totally non-fussy way. There is ample seating which is a rarity in Las Vegas and unheard of on Le Strip. The art is funky and world class. All in all, The Cosmopolitan is exactly what this burgh has needed for a long time. A hip and urbane place that locals can dig even while surrounded by Tourist Girls in Sausage Casing Skank Dresses.
Did I mention, J'adore The Cosmopolitan?
Well. I do.
Fuckin' Holsteins, on the other hand, should be 86'd from The Cosmo as it drags down the property like that fat dude Sandra Bullock was married to at a Bat Mitzvah.
Way total bummer.
Me and The Bestie decided to sashay over to The Cosmo to check out the "secret Pizza place". Upon entering Moi decides it isn't quite what I am looking for at the moment.
I say, "let's go to Holsteins."
Cue ominous music.
"Don't go in the basement White girl!"
My first clue as to where the evening would be going was when we were greeted by the hostess. About 12, she was dressed in a dowdy outfit that looked like nuns forced her to wear it due to the itchy underbits that kept a tortured grimace on her innocent, Squirrel in the headlights face.
"Um, we're, um, really, um busy. It's like a hour wait, un, I think. But, you can eat in the waiting, bar sorta area."
We sat and waited for our waitress.
Who knew we could have read the first three chapters of a Suze Orman book in the time it took for our server to arrive?
The Bestie loves dark meat.
That's a whole 'nother story.
Where was I?
He orders a "WELL DONE" whatever Burger. I order the Kimchee thingee Medium Rare. We were asked what kind of fries we wanted? I said the chip things and I forget what The Bestie ordered. It would turn out to matter. Later.
We also ordered two of their signature Milk Shakes. Lactose intolerant Negro that I am, I still could not resist two of my favorite fat boy things combined, booze and Ice Cream! They were all right. In fact, they were the best thing about this whole Gawdawful, I'd rather be sitting through an endless loop of "Trog" starring Joan Crawford during her "A Bitch needs a job, ok?" period, Holsteins experience.
About 3 hrs later the server..oh, wait, did I mention this was like the third server we had seen by this point?
"W-T-F!" screeched the bestie.
Rememember, he had ordered "WELL DONE!" This looked like one of those partial birth abortions that Republicans are always going on about.
Umbilical cord and all.
Really. I swear.
Now. It gets GOOD.
Our server (like #15 at this point) had the temerity to say with a straight face to The Bestie who was bugged out by all the blood in front of him, "That's our version of 'WELL DONE!'"
It's a good thing Sally Field didn't have to go up against this Bitch when they were casting for Norma Rae. That would have been an Oscar she would never have put on her commode shelf. The utter sincerity with which she said it was Gobsmackingly audacious and worthy of not only an Oscar, but, the ultimate glory, A GOLDEN GLOBE!
I said "you need to take that back and burn it." Server #15 started away. "Um, excuse me, but, you need to take mine as well", says Moi. "Why?" says #15. "Because I don't want to be eating my food while he has none."
At this point #15 is truly going for for the triple crown, she's going to add an EMMY!
"What's wrong with that?"
Nothing at all.
If you were born of Lesbian Wolves.
Who the hell would eat in front of a fellow diner for Gawd only knows how long it was going to take while whomever brought back The Besties burger?
Along comes, I kid you not, servers #16 AND #17! Two pimple faced kids who looked like they just won a bad acid trip to Willy Wonkas Chocolate Factory on "Underwear Night". Guess what they brought us? No. Really. Guess.
Two entirely wrong burgers.
"IT'S NOT MY FAULT! I JUST BROUGHT OUT WHAT THEY GAVE ME!", said Wednesday Adams. "I'M JUST A RUNNER!", said Bobby Brady as he sulked away.
"What's the problem?" It was #15. Yet. Again.
"Well, other than your Kansas City Bomber attitude" I silently thought in my grade school Russian, "these burgers are BOTH wrong."
Eyes rolled as she snatched the plates up and shoved them at Wednesday with a gruff send off to whatever table they were meant for not knowing whether or not I had flavored them with Coke boogers, or whatever.
FINALLY, we got the burgers we ordered correctly cooked.
They were OK.
The bill arrived.
I have never wanted to see a bill so badly in my entire life.
Well. At least one that I was paying. Trust. MANY times I have been glad to see a bill arrive, but, that's because a wrinkly old white hand covered in liver spots would finally have something to do other than trying fondle me whilst I simply wanted to enjoy my Creme Brulee.
That Tyler Brulee guy is sorta hot.
But. I digress.
Where was I?
Oh. Yeah. The fucking bill.
After 17 servers and what seemed like enough time to give a coffee enema to the Ed Hardy wearing tourists next to us, the bill was $65!
So. It took SIX burgers to get the order right. Those "what kind of fries would you like?" were not what came with the burger. Oh. No. They were extra. The shakes while good had come at the cost of a meal that SOMEHOW added up to about three times what I would normally want to pay IF it had come through a window with a Clowns head attached. If only.
I wrote quite a little letter on the "How Did We Do?" card.
"How Did We Do?"
Are you fucking kidding me? Did Pol Pot give out such cruel cards after a "visit"?
I wrote all over that thing and sent it back WITH my card to pay for this little bit of no reason for cows to have died for.
Oh, yes I did.
And you know what happened?
They committed the Ultimate Las Vegas Sin.
No. Not signing Shania Twain for a long term run. She's got like two songs and a bad divorce, am I right?
No manager came out to see if "something was wrong?" No anything taken off the bill. No care whatsoever that a customer was NOT a happy camper.
Nada. Zilch. Bupkus (or however you spell that).
Just "give us your money and Sod Off!"
Numerous calls and Tweets later, still, NOTHING.
If you are simply dying for a burger.
On a desert island.
With Rush Limbaugh.
And a branch of Holsteins.
At least you might get a Viagra boner.
The Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas 3708 Las Vegas Boulevard South Las Vegas, NV 89109
Ok look, I already told you we can't talk about T.J.!
I'm talking about HEAVEN, the best ever club in the history of the known LGBT universe in Las Vegas!
Of course it is an "Eduardo Cordova Presents" affaire! That's Francais for Hella Good Ass Partay!
The best dimples North of The Rio Grande is bringing back HEAVEN for the summer of '11! Yes, Heeeeee's Baaaaack!
Only this summer it is going to be even mas slammin' than ever before!
Ho,w you may ask.
I said you may.
Of course HEAVEN is back at the BARE POOL at The Mirage!
At tonight's Le Opening Grande E to The C will be serving up a special performance by Erika Jayne!
In addition, Super Duper Star DJ Chris Cox will be whirling the jams to make the dance floor rock like a big girl!
Did I mention that dancefloor is is suspended on plexiglass over the pool at BARE?
BUT WAIT! THERE'S MAS!
We're being INVADED Y'ALL!
And that's a good thing!
Steve Machuca & Woody Woddbeck (I swear I didn't make that name up!) are bringing us a Bus Load of "California Boys" from West Hollywood!
Yum. Imported fresh meat!
Uh, I mean, fun tourist dudes.
Yeah. That's what I meant.
Aren't you all fired up?
Of course you are.
HEAVEN happens TONIGHT at the BARE Pool at The Mirage starting at 1030pm and ending when you see the 1,500th American Apparel Deep V-Neck T-shirt.
Obviously I don't have to get on the guest list, but, you really should drop an internet thingee to Ivanvegas@ymail.com and get on his list to make sure you and yours are there to enjoy the hottest night in the LGBT, HEAVEN!
HEAVEN AT THE BARE POOL THE MIRAGE RESORT AND CASINO 3400 S. Las Vegas Blvd., Las Vegas, NV 89109
As any regular reader of my stream of consciousness ramblings on Style and The Glamorous Life knows, Moi only comes out of my Lair during the late night for one person.
No, not Johnny Walker.
No, not Kim Kardashian.
I only like the fat one and the soon to be bulimic new sister.
Moi only comes out during DUI checkpoint time for the most adorable promoter in the LV.
Tonight everyone's favorite eye candy behind a velvet rope is hosting a totally new contest!
You know how I just love a contest.
As long as there isn't a swimsuit portion.
I am more the type to put pepper in your bikini bottom than make friends backstage.
Where was I?
Tonight Mr. Dimples from Cutiepie Land Cordova is having a contest to see who is THE Gay BFF!
As I mentioned previously, I am NOT the one, so I have decided to not try for this crown.
Others have. A MUCH nicer bunch than Moiself.
Benjamin Bradley Brandon Pereyda Johnny Espinosa Chris Saldana Patrick Chan Ethan Carvalho Andy Du Bois Armando Macias Jake Callotta Jorge Garcia-Solorio Ivan Rodriguez Jorge Martinez Schwarzbeck and Jonathan Morgan
It seems that the premise is whomever brings the most friends to CLOSET SUNDAYS tonight will receive the following:
WINNER TO RECEIVE: ONE NIGHT STAY AT THE MIRAGE DINNER FOR 2 AT STACK COMP BOTTLE AT ANY LIGHT GROUP LGBT EVENT
Did you doubt?
In addition to the spectacle of seeing all of those Gays making niceee to win a night in a room that doesn't charge by the hour, there will be a SPECIAL PERFORMANCE BY LADY KIMORA!
As always there will be Le Specials Du Potato Juice.
Something called "COORS" is also on special.
Hmm, does one drink that with an umbrella?
I'm sure it's tasty when it's on special.
For those of you who are not me (and most of you aren't), you can call 702-693-8300 to get on the guest list.
You can also follow Eduardo (No, not from behind you little perv.) at Twitter Freak! Simply click in @EDUARDOPRESENTS.COM on your internet machine.
You do know that box is good for things other than Porn?
TEXT "CLOSET" TO 25827 FOR UPDATES AND OFFERS ON ALL CLOSET SUNDAY EVENTS!
The party starts at 10pm and ends when I have to tell you to get rid of your boyfriend.
Closet Sundays The Mirage Resort & Casino 3400 S. Las Vegas Blvd., Las Vegas, NV 89109
Why are you still here?
Shouldn't you be practicing your moves in front of the mirror?
We become intimate with the "Sordid Lives" of a family in a small Texas town preparing for the funeral of the mother. Among the characters are the grandson trying to find his identity in West Hollywood, the son who has spent the past twenty-three years dressed as Tammy Wynette, the sister and her best friend (who live in delightfully kitschy homes), and the two daughters (one strait-laced and one quite a bit looser).
The sreening is FREE and is followed by a lively discussion.
Sunday, April 24 · 6:00pm - 8:30pm TONIGHT!!!
Snacks, soda and beer are available for purchase.
Unitarian Universalist Congregation of Las Vegas 3616 Lake Mead Blvd. Las Vegas, NV 89115
Understand that this is like being at your Grandmas house.
Everything is made to order and it will take 20-30 minutes to get your food and something will probably be forgotten. There are only plastic forks and Styrofoam dinnerware.
If you are a snob, you're screwed.
I broke up with a guy because all he did was complain the entire time he was here about how "Ghetto" it was. The Juke Joint is not "Ghetto", it's like a real Southern Place that you find on a road trip and can't wait to get back to.
The decor is really cute and quaint with Kente Cloth colors and photos of Black heroes sprinkled about the place. Even the bathroom is charming with commandments and funny sayings sprinkled about.
The Cornish Hen with two sides is my fave here, but, it's only on Sundays and will probably be gone by the time you get here. If it's available, get it with Greens and Yams.
My other jammy jam is the Smothered Chicken (also includes two sides). I rock that with Black Eyed Peas and Mac & Cheese. The Mac & Cheese is GOOEY! Yes! I always just act a pig up in here and order the Yams as an extra as well.
The Gumbo is hella good, but, the portion is tiny (because it's SO good) and you really want two or three bowls.
Other than the food what's the best part about the Juke Joint? The prices! The specials are in the $10.95 range and the Gumbo is around $6. Three of us ate full meals with doggy bags and it came to less than $45!
Wash it all down with some Koolaid (Red) and The Juke Joint will be your joint for authentic Soul Food.
2362 Lexington Street, Las Vegas, NV 89106-2206 (702) 647-4411
Though she is back with a whole new drunken season of mirth and arrests at the Jersey Shore.
Not The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
Though they are back with faces that don’t move and husbands that do (is Camille a punk Bitch or what?).
Just when you thought it was safe to go back in to the brackish water that is Nevada politics, along comes the scariest fish that’s ever crawled out of the upper reaches of the Truckee River.
Sharron “Remember me Pablito ,or, are you Quan Lee?” Angle IS BAAAAACK!
And this time……………she’s got a spackle brush!
Zut Alors! Quelle not cute!
Yup, as hard as it is to believe, much like Nosferatu, La Angle is rebirthing herself as a Celebrity guest star at a Multi-Level Marketing, low rent, Mary Kay-esque makeup event in Downtown La Vegas!
I guess if you were wondering how many levels of Hell there really are, you now know.
There are MULTI-levels.
And on this level Sharron Angle is working the cosmetics counter at some sort of “has it come to this Gurl?” reality show on CMT.
Right over there by the escalator leading to the bargain basement.
At this point I would normally just riff on some crazy ideas about what an invite to “Desperate Housewives: What The Fuck Happened?” would read like. Unfortunately, even my rapier wit and sardonic take on politics and life can’t possibly equal what the invite REALLY fuckin’ says.
“Sharron will be sharing her beauty and makeup challenges during the campaign and how she overcame them! She had confidence that she would look great with 14 -16 hour days & with numerous appearances daily... so can you!”
No. I. Can’t!
Remember the first time you saw “WTF” and wondered what that meant?
It means, “WHAT THE FUCK?!?”
No. Not in a sexual way. I don’t like that.
Pinch me so I can make sure that I’m not dreaming that all of my dreams have not only come true, but, landed in my lap like a drunken hooker hitting the tiles in Charlie Sheen’s bathroom!
It gets better.
“Please be our guest... you will be glad you did!
* Girlfriend time * Chat with Sharron * Learn some new make-up tips & techniques * Find out about an amazing revolutionary skin care line (guaranteed to take 55% of your fine lines and wrinkles away in 8 weeks!) NO kidding! * Free gift for all who attend Sounds fun, right? I think so too! See you there!”
Girlfriend time with La Loca?
Chat moments with The Child of The Corn from The Village of The Damned?
All this AND free grub, gift bags (NRA pot holders, please God!) and sharing makeup tips with the one woman I have NEVER ASSOCIATED with anything more glamorous than a tractor pull in Pahrump!
This is DELISH!
Sweet Jesus, what have I done to deserve this?
All of my fretting that Sharron “Why no, I am stupid. Thank you for asking.” Angle was going to come back all Mighty Mouse to save the day for the Nevada Tea Party has come to this?
A live infomercial that even Holly Madison probably said no to?
Aiyee, how bad is that if Holly turns your shit down?
She banged Heff!
Fret no more.
Sharron’s back and she’s just one of the girls next door!
From the last subdivision in Hell.
You KNOW you can’t miss this.
Just in case:
An evening with Joni Rogers-Kante, Founder & CEO of SeneGence International, featuring Makeup & Skincare Experts Jeri Taylor-Swade & Amber London and special guest Sharron Angle, former candidate for US Senate Friday night, Jan. 21, 2011 6:00 - 8:30 pm Held at the beautiful, modern, Meet Conference Center 233 South 4th Street Las Vegas, NV 89101 MeetLasVegasConventionCenter
In addition to fighting off a cold could only be God's revenge for my years without a moral compass ('06-'09,) I am now also getting rid of the weight gained during my Glam period ('09-'10).
The extra 73lbs I managed to add to my already voluptuous frame is no longer cuddly.
It's just gross.
Of course I have figured out a way to satisfy my need for attention whilst losing copious amounts of flab.
Moi is the new Gay face of TRIMCARE Medical Weight Loss program.
It was only a matter of time.
Sooner or later it was gonna be going all Jennifer Hudson or opening supermarkets in Henderson.
But, Holly Madison has that market all to herself.
Where was I?
I was fat, sick and hungry.
That brings us to Satay Malaysian Grille.
As I lay reinterpreting the deathbed scene from Camille, The Candidate called and suggested I leave the confines of The GayBoyClub to find the nourishment I so obviously needed.
Whilst not effing up my diet.
Nothing seemed more appealing than some flavorful and spicy Tom Yum soup ($9.50-12.50) at Satay Malaysian Grille.
Moi likes a place where everybody knows my name and Satay is that type of place. The whole vibe is laid back and friendly. You can roll in feeling your worst or be on a first date all shaved up and you're always treated like a friend regardless. And while the view of the parking lot isn't much, Satay does offer outdoor seating in addition to your normal dining room set up. My fave spot to chillax here is the ultra lounge looking area at the rear of the restaurant that's perfect for getting together with a group of friends to order everything on the appetizer menu over a few hours.
My goal was soup and the Tom Yum did not fail me. Unlike my not so fave, Lotus of Siam, the cooks here understand that spicy doesn't have to mean everyone at the table should be crying like a 16 year old at her eighth screening of Black Swan. I asked for it to be cooked at level 7 and it cleared my nose while still leaving my palate intact.
The Candidate ordered a big bowl of meaty Oxtail soup ($11.95) that had plenty of meat to keep him busy for the entire meal. Being the bad friend that he is, The Candidate also ordered probably my two favorite appetizers on Earth, Salt and Pepper Shrimp ($7.95) and Scallops wrapped in Bacon ($6.95).
I whipped out my Android Calorie Counter and got to figuring. Luckily, I was still way under my allotted calories for the day and therefore, Moi dived in like a Pimp at bus station.
The Shrimps are lightly coated and perfectly fried. The seasoning is exactly right. You taste the salt and pepper just enough to miss it as the taste disappears down your palate. The shrimp are as perfectly cooked as any fried shrimp ever has been. Delicate, yet firm enough that they don't break apart when you try and just eat a tiny bit at a time because you never want that plate to be empty.
The Scallops manage to be light and well cooked even while the Bacon is cooked exactly to the point where it still has a meaty texture and is also perfectly crispy. On two skewers of four, this concoction will be my first cheat day meal when I've finally hit my goal weight.
Of course I avoided the Roti bread with Curry dipping sauce($5.50) and Lumpia ($5.50) The Candidate also ordered. I'm nothing if not determined and strong of will. In my fat and I don't care days I've tasted both so I feel pretty safe telling you about them. The Roti is always a hit whenever I've hosted groups at Satay. The curry sauce is nice and light with a tiny bit of after kick. The Lumpia, on the other hand, is just like Lumpia everywhere. I will never understand what people see in Lumpia that is not made by someone's boyfriend's Mom.
Of course Satay has all of the usual vittles you would expect in a South East Asian restaurant and you're safe with anything you order. I will suggest that you let the kitchen decide for you and just enjoy the flavor ride. They also have a really great Happy Hour menu from 3-6pm everyday and big screen TV's if you wanna kick it with friends and watch "The Game" (I have no idea what that means).
SATAY MALAYSIAN GRILLE
Everyday: 11 a.m. - 11 p.m. Late Night Friday & Saturday 2 a.m.+
SATAY Thai Bistro & Bar 3900 Paradise Rd, Suite N Las Vegas, NV 89169
PACO ALVAREZ (Because he can say "Museologist" and mean it) HELENA BONHAM CARTER (Because she just doesn't give a bloody fuck) EDUARDO CORDOVA (No one is nicer) NATHANIEL PHILLIPS (The Activist Wears H&M and has written the new Vegas anthem) KYLIE KARDASHIAN (Expanding the brand) THE SITUATION (Have YOU turned your abs and bad haircuts into $$$?) KELLY MCFARLANE-SMITH (She's a classy dame) NAOMI AT THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY HQ (One day I'll need her to put a cigarette out on someone for me) CHRISTINE KRAMER (Date nights in Vegas don't get any better) ANGELA ESLER-WHELAN (She doesn't have to. But. She does) MICHAEL CORNTHWAITE (Uh, when did he get all hot?) SAM CHERRY (BadAss) PAZ DE LA HUERTA (Because she returned a borrowed gown and seriously doesn't know how it got torn) ADRIENNE MALOOF (Does she already have a Gay? I'm SO available) WES MYLES (The OG Bitchez)
HOLLY MADISON (Her “Gay” is REALLY annoying) ROBIN LEACH (Still?!?) THE HOMELESS GUY WITH THE VOICE IN REHAB (My surprise underwhelms me) DJ PAULY D (Don’t get me wrong, I’d bang him) ANYONE FROM MAD MEN (Enough already) MARIAH CAREY (She is less annoying fat, but, still…) CELEBRITY CHEFS (Dude, it’s not that serious) WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH (Okay, God Hates Fags, but did you know that Jesus was a top?) BRIAN SANDOVAL (Does he really interest anyone? I’m hoping a lame sex scandal soon) RYAN SEACREST (Just doesn’t) KIM KARDASHIAN (LOVE Khloe and the other one) ANYONE ON GOSSIP GIRL (Line them all up side to side and you still don’t have three ounces of ass)