MOVIES I HAVE NO INTENTION OF SEEING

EDGE OF DARKNESS

Starring: Drunken anti-Semite Mel "I am still pissed about the whole Jesus thing!" Gibson

Why I wont be seeing it: Any cineaste knows that without a doubt, the greatest line ever uttered in a motion picture, big or small screen, was Phoebe Cate's immortal line: "Which one of you Bitches is my Mother?", from "Lace".

BRAH.

VO.

Calling Oscar!

Or Emmy.

Whatever.

The best line ever uttered by an actor off of the set is still Mel Gibson's, "What are you looking at Sugar Tits?"

Of course he then went on a rather unbecoming rant about the Jews owning Hollywood and some Batshit crazy stuff about the Holocaust or something very, very.

Very.

I love that "Sugar Tits" line so much I can almost forgive Mel for "Passion of The Christ" and even "Apocto-bore-o", but, the whole Holocaust and the Jews thing makes me nervous.

As a practitioner (rarely) of "The Love That Dare Not Speak It's Name", you now, cornholling, tossing salad, Anal Albert, cruising the Hershey Highway pulling a Ted Haggard, I am pretty sure that if Mel feels that way about the Jews, he probably REALLY hates The Gays.

You can forget about me going anywhere near Nutsie McNutsie or "Edge Of Darkness".

WHEN IN ROME

Starring: Fergie's Husband and some white girl

Why I wont be seeing it: Ok, some white girl goes to Rome and throws money into a fountain and guys fall in love with her.

My last boyfriend threw me into a fountain and wasn't there when I got out.

Okay, yeah, this one hits a nerve.

Ok?

IT'S COMPLICATED

Starring: Meryl Streep and the cast of "I've Fallen and I Can't Get It Up!"

There's nothing complicated about it.

Old people shouldn't have sex.

I removed the mirrors from my bedroom for a reason.

THE BOOK OF ELI

Starring: Denzel Washington, Gary Oldman and Mile Kunis

Why I wont be seeing it: Listen people, Denzel has not been hot in 13 years.

Exactly.

13.

Mila Kunis has a really flat ass.