When I was little kid we always went to Schaumberg to do our shopping. Something about Evans Furs being located there.
Well, they also had really big modern stores. Nothing like Marshall Fields or Carson's. Those were STORES! Big and dramatic. The type of place that had windows that made you take a special trip downtown to see.
A Future homo of America's training ground.
As it were.
We also did all of our grocery shopping in the suburbs. Mind you we lived at 70th place and South Shore drive. Right across the street from the whites only country club where if you looked over the wall you could see blond girls riding their horses on the beach.
In the middle of a black hood.
Sorta South Africaesque.
The revolution didn't need to be televised, it was in my front yard.
Really.
I swear.
Of course, the reason we went to the suburbs is that after all week of dealing with my people, my mother, Babs, was tired of Negroes and needed to get into her Thunderbird and deal with people with some sense. Plus, as I found out later, the products in the suburbs were newer and the food was fresher and cheaper. I will never forget the first time we went to a store in the neighborhood (middle class mind you) and saw what passed for vegetables. Blech.
Well, that first time we went to the ghetto we were shopping for my fathers families Christmas gifts. "Those people, the Washington's", according to Babs when she was being nice.
When she wasn't being nice, well, you would understand where I get my demure yet make a sailor put his dick back in his pants at a Turkish whorehouse potty mouth from.
"It's not your cousins Cricket and Nods fault they have the mothers' that they do, so we have to go to the West Side and buy them SOMETHING though I know they aren't getting you anything", said Babs through clenched teeth.
They never did. I was always "Barbara's son".
A McClanahan.
Not a Washington.
"Get out of my car now! We're going to see Santa while we're here!" Mom barked in her low soothing yet "oh fuck you knew you better move it" dulcet tones.
WELL! There he was!
Surrounded by pickaninnies with poor clothing choices and those little black girl balls in their unpressed hair was.....
A skinny old Colored man in a stolen Santa suit.
"Stay here in line, I'll be back", mom took off in a sea of poor dark people all Evans fur and leather looking way too cute for the room.
Needless to say there was no way I was going to get in that mans lap and have him fuck up my Christmas order. My order at Harold's Fried Chicken never came with the ketchup already on the fries so I knew this fool was not getting me the Hot Wheels set with the Pace Car Camaro and the double looped track.
And the other children said things like "I seen" and "La Q'Shwan I'm gonna fuck you up if you don't stop it!" while they wiped snot from their noses with their cheap coats and then chased each other with it.
Aw, hells to the no.
I waited to the side and tried to hold my breath.
That night, my sainted father (step but the best father ever!FUCK I'M CRYING!RIP dad.)Perry Washington who was the lightest black man you ever did see, asked me how it went with Santa.
I told him how they had all of these nasty children and some old Colored man who had stolen Santa's suit and I never got my chicken right at Harold's and besides, Santa was white.....
That night I found out there was no Santa.
He wasn't white.
Black people were every bit as good as white people.
Poor kids had poor parents and I should be thankful that my parents had good jobs and cared enough about me to see that I was well dressed and lived in a nice home.
AND SANTA CLAUS WAS A MAN NAMED PERRY WARREN WASHINGTON.
And that is how I found out that Santa Claus didn't exist.
Moi is used to being stared at upon entering a restaurant.
When I arrive at my fave McDonalds, they know to fire up the fryer and let the good times roll. Making my entrance at Krazy Kitchen buffet, it's "oh here come large yellow man, hide Salmon roll! Leave some other people!"
Well.
As Moi and Moi's bestie Christopher sauntered into some Gawdawful casinoette on Industrial near a, ahem, "library" that Christopher was familiar with, the men all paused as I walked into the room.
And not in a good way.
I am quite sure that the music stopped, jaws dropped and the theme song from "Deliverance" floated in from a dimly lit alcove played by what looked like the evil spawn of John McCain and Rhea Pearlman.
Really.
I swear.
"Are you sure this is the place the locals know as "the best Chinese food in Vegas"?, I asked of Chris.
"Keep going to the back", Chris growled. Mind you, he had had one of "those" weeks. A week so "those" that we had foregone our usual drinking in favor of food!
I hustled past a neck that was as red as any Sheriff's in Jim Crow Alabama neck ever was. I flung open the door and all of a sudden, I was in Hong Kong circa "Suzie Wong."
Nothing fancy, but, obviously authentic. There were an equal number of customers and employess.
Two. Each.
Somehow. I knew I was home.
I took one look at the menu and was transported back to my days in L.A. at four am with my friends (Cher, Christina Aguilera, Brittany Spears and Gore Vidal. Well, until Christina became a bitch.) all sucking up mounds of food in Chinatown until the sun came up.
On the menu were Salted Chicken ($8.50 half/$16 whole), Beef with Melon ($8.50) Hot Braised Snow Fish ($14.95) and, of course, Shark Fin soup. I will not eat Shark Fin Soup, it is completely wrong to kill a shark just for the fin.
I will, however, wear a Chinchilla and I don't care what you do with the carcass.
Suck it PETA.
Where was I?
Oh. Yes. Diamond Chinese!
I had heard often about this place and have to say that it more than lived up to the hype. I ordered my "tester" dish that I always order when I 'm deciding on whether or not a Chinese joint is going to see my substantial rear end again.
I ordered "House Special Egg Foo Young"($8.95). And I dared them to impress me.
Oh. My. Gawd. Chandler Bing!
It was perfectly crisp on the outside and had just the right mix of eggs and veggies for the filling. Adorned with paper thin slices of BBQ Pork and meaty soft Scallops, Steamed Chicken and melt in your mouth Fish Fillets all wrapped up in a delicious gravy, it was eaten by my eyes before I even touched it with my utensil!
We split an order of Sliced Chicken with Cashew Nuts ($8.25) as well and it did nothing to shake me of the idea that I was loving this place.
And then!
I noticed the one thing that cemented my relationship with Diamond Chinese.
I side door.
No more Rednecks for Moi! I can come and go without a busload of Freedom Riders to protect me on my way to Le Heaven Gastronomique!
Get the to the best Chinese Food in town, Diamond Chinese!
MOVIES I HAVE NO INTENTION OF SEEING THIS WEEKEND YOGI BEAR 3D Starring: Yogi Bear (Lucille McGillicuddy), Boo Boo (Ethel Mertz).
What It’s About: In a first for Lesbian porn, Yogi Bear 3D follows the mishaps and erotic misadventures of a pair of Kooky and Kinky “Furries” let loose in the wilds of Yosemite National Park. Mirth and Mayhem are the order of the day as the hennaed red head and the frowsy blonde seek to make Yosemite a Sapphic playground against the puritanical wishes of the local Park Ranger (Mackenzie Phillips) . It, of course, all ends with a honey slathered romp with a young Bear cub (Juliette Lewis) who is bi-curious and ready for fun! Why I won’t be seeing it: Lesbian Furry Porn is bad enough.Furry Vag in 3 freakin' D just gives this homo the creeps. Yikes! HOW DO YOU KNOW?
Starring: Reese Witherspoon (Madame in her first starring role since the death of Waylon Flowers), Owen Wilson, Jack “Where the white woman at?!” Nicholson and that one white guy who’s in pretty much every movie I’ve hated in the last five years. What It’s About: WTF!?! Is this National “Gals who love Gals” month or what? Reese (Madame) is a down and out 60 year old softball player who …WAIT! Ok, at this point I would normally make up what this dreck is about, BUT the actual description is WAY more insipid than anything I could ever think up. Here is what it’s REALLY about: “Reese Witherspoon’s entire life has been defined by softball, but at 31, she is deemed too old to play and cut from the team. After being cast adrift, she begins a fling with Matty (Owen Wilson), a charming womanizer who plays professional baseball. About the same time, she goes on a blind date with George (Paul Rudd), a businessman on the hook for stock fraud. Caught in a romantic triangle with the two men, Lisa ponders the meaning of love.” Why I Won’t Be Seeing It: “Reese Witherspoon’s entire life has been defined by softball, but at 31, she is deemed too old to play and cut from the team. After being cast adrift, she begins a fling with Matty (Owen Wilson), a charming womanizer who plays professional baseball. About the same time, she goes on a blind date with George (Paul Rudd), a businessman on the hook for stock fraud. Caught in a romantic triangle with the two men, Lisa ponders the meaning of love.”
WHAT THE SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR IS THIS SHIT?!?
Combine that actual description with the fact that “Chester the Molester” Nicholson hasn’t missed a chance to show his hairy, saggy, old man titties in any movie he’s been in over the last twenty years and I just have to think I’d have a much better time singeing my pubes slowly while squatting over the burners on my stove.
How Do You Know? Why would I care?
TRON: LEGACY 3D Starring: One of the guys who used to be Flipper’s brother, I think. Some white guy. Some white girl. What It’s About: Ok, look. I am not nor have I ever been a Nerd. I have never pleasured myself in my mom’s basement while watching Carrie Fisher tied up in a two piece with Cinnabuns on the side of her head while she writhed for the amusement of Rush Limbaugh (as Jabba the Hut) in Star Wars 16 or whatever it was. I was in Student Body and made fun of people who could speak in Wookie.
WHY WOULD I CARE WHAT THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT? Why I Won’t Be Seeing It: I tend to see myself as on the cutting edge and Ecstasy is OVER Gurlfriend! It’s sooo KLF and I can’t imagine that this crapfest would be bearable without at least two hits.
Moi loves a $5 drink whether it is Vodka (potato juice) or Beer.
But you knew that.
Didn’t you?
Of course you did.
Where was I?
Oh. Yes.
My fave place to drink, dance and partay like it’s 2009 is “Closet Sundays” at The Revolution Lounge. The world’s most adorablest promoter, Eduardo Cordova, has been hosting Closet Sundays at the Revolution Lounge ever since I first turned 21 a couple of years ago.
What?
Get your own blog and you can decide on your age. Bitch.
Anyways.
TONIGHT Diva Kimberly Cole will be performing and the Go Go’s will be Go Going starting at ten pm and going until your fairy Godmother says, “give me back my Crystal Disco Pumps!
So.
Swish on over to CLOSET SUNDAYS at The Revolution Lounge in The Mirage Resort & Casino tonight!
CLOSET SUNDAYS REVOLUTION LOUNGE THE MIRAGE RESORT & CASINO
3400 Las Vegas Boulevard South Las Vegas, NV 89109
REVIEW: David Sedaris’ “The Santaland Diaries” starring Jamie Morris
The Onyx Theater 953 E Sahara (in The Commercial Center) Bldg 16
December 9-12, 2010 4 Performances ONLY
I am very upset that I saw “The Santaland Diaries” starring Jamie Morris late on Saturday night.
I wish I had seen it Friday so that I could have beat the bushes to tell everyone to catch the last two performances of the weekend. Jamie Morris is not only a talented playwright and satirist, he is also quite a good little actor. I have no idea how long this show is because not once did I check my Android to see what was going on outside of The Onyx Theater as I was simply beguiled by Morris’s skill at holding an entire audiences attention.
Really.
I swear.
David Sedaris is quite a little imp himself and I feel that he would have gladly sat back and roared with laughter as I did if he were to see this spot on production of his holiday classic short story about a soon to be having a mid-life chrisis Soap Opera extra wannabe who ends up as the world’s wryest Elf at Macy’s. While the Elf dreams of having smart cocktails with the Buchanan’s and the Quartermaine’s in the one to two pm block of afternoon TV, his reality is boorish oafs from New Jersey (Are there any other kind? I’m jes sayin”.) and a Macy’s demanded “Elf name”.
His is “Crumpet”.
You would surely understand if he takes a swig from his flask ever so often.
Right?
Crumpet takes us from his Elf training sessions (picture the Death Marches of Bataan with a peppy Japanese warlord leading the way.) to the locker room where one of the more fetching Elfs might just be flirting his way into a bathroom scene right out of “Born Innocent” (starring Linda Blair as the whorish Elf). The forced frivolity starts as soon as he is thrown into a roomful of Soap Opera extras and, to put it kindly, weirdos who seem to think that asking if they can were their Elf costumes home is a perfectly reasonable request.
Not.
Morris keeps you not only entertained, but, interested.At no point did I notice the fact that this was a one man show. Morris is so good as the bitchy little, too clever for his own good Crumpet, that between him and the excellent set, staging, lighting and source material you never miss any other possible actors. He gives such dead on impersonations of dozens of characters that you automatically see them in your head and fill the stage yourself with his wit and your own imagination.
He’s that good.
My only disappointment with “The Santaland Diaries” is that it ends tonight.
Put your jacket own and get thee to The Onyx Theater now!
Walking into the gigantic new H&M store at The Forum Shops in my little burgh I was actually taken aback at the ultraness of the fab.
Really.
I swear.
Giant Disco balls reminded me of long nights and early mornings a long, long time ago.
And Quaaludes.
But.
I digress.
H&M is the fabbest of the fab new places to spend one's ducats on the ultimate in stylish clothes for skinny people on a budget. This new store at The Forum Shops is by far and away the largest H&M outlet in the entire Mundo and it ROCKS! I can't tell you the last time I saw so much fashion under $50 that wasn't at a Salvation Army.
I just can't.
Because poor vous could not be there, I've included a little video of the VIP Grand Opening party of which I have just departed.
I played Santa in the 1st grade production of “The Night Before Christmas”. I was born for the role. I was cute. I was cherubic. I had rosy cheeks.
I was the fattest 1st grader that Reavis Elementary School had ever seen
Born. For. The. Role.
How about your worst job?
I was the graveyard shift worker at a lab in El Monte where I grew mold.
Mold.
I was born for the job.
When I first saw the Uber talented Jamie Morris in “Mommie Queerest”, I knew he was born for the role. Maybe it was something about the arch in his brow.
Or the insanity just behind his rouge.
But much like that proverbial feline with nine lives, Morris was reborn as Mrs. Garrett in “The Facts of Life: The Lost Episode.”
Born. To. Play. The. Role.
AND THEN! Along comes Morris in “The Silence of the Clams” as Hannibal Lichter.
Zut Alors! That’s French for WTF!?!
Now, Jamie is back as everyone’s fave slacker elf in David Sedaris’s “The Santaland Diaries”.
You’ve heard of “Jolly Saint Nick” and even “Bad Santa”. In “The Santaland Diaries” you meet the first ever holiday “Elf Bitch.” This little candy striped curmudgeon and his wry take on everything Macy’s during the most wonderful time of the year will make you glad you completed that typing class at Devry. From his Elf training to the indignities of working with people he normally wouldn’t sit next to on the subway, this poor schlub is funnier than your pill poppin’ aunt Gina on Egg Nog at Midnight Mass.
This is the holidays as seen through a pack of Marlboros and a Whiskey Sour.
Let’s face it, everyone really hates the holidays whether you admit it or not. And that, meine fruende, is why you have to come down to The Onyx Theater and commiserate with your fellow holiday revelers as you laugh till you pee (just a little) in your pants at “The Santaland Diaries”
Soon you’ll have to spend time with your loved ones.
You’re gonna need a good laugh to get you through that n’est pas?
Performance Dates: Thursday - December 1, 2011 at 08:00 PM - Open Seating Friday - December 2, 2011 at 08:00 PM - Open Seating Saturday - December 3, 2011 at 08:00 PM - Open Seating Sunday - December 4, 2011 at 05:00 PM - Open Seating Thursday - December 8, 2011 at 08:00 PM - Open Seating Friday - December 9, 2011 at 08:00 PM - Open Seating Saturday - December 10, 2011 at 08:00 PM - Open Seating Sunday - December 11, 2011 at 05:00 PM - Open Seating
**The Santaland Diaries is presented by special arrangement with Dramatists Play Services, Inc., New York**
If vous (that would be YOU) know anything about Moiself (and vous do.), you simply must know that my fave place to put on my wig hat and high heeled sneakers is REVOLUTION LOUNGE at The Mirage Resort & Casino.
Well.
Another one of my loves happens to be little happy children.
Other peoples.
You have to come pick them up before they get into my Beluga.
Again.
Where was I?
Oh yes, happy children.
Well.
Moi also just J’adores QVegas Magazine which is home to all that is Gay in my little burgh.
When you put all of that in a cocktail shaker, what do you get?
What?
I ask.
You get QUENCH , the latest super duper from the genials over at QVegas!
Fab I say. Fab!
Qvegas has teamed up with Aid for AIDS Nevada to provide a bunch of little kids a happy Christmas at QUENCH tonight! The soiree begins at 7pm and goes on until 9pm.
What you do with your time after that is not my business.
Text me in the morning.
Unless you are in the hokey. Call someone else for that.
I’m not interested in the hokey. Just the pokey.
I’m jes sayin’….
More Fab?
Really.
I swear.
The first twenty people to show up avec toy win a pair of tickets to Madame Tussaud’s!
You know, the place with the wax people.
No, silly, not Sun City Anthem!
Giggle.
So.
Make sure you bring a lovely happy kid making toy and join the merriment at QUENCH tonight!
QUENCH @ REVOLUTION LOUNGE 7-9pm Thursday December 9, 2010 The Mirage Resort and Casino 3400 S. Las Vegas Blvd., Las Vegas, NV 89109
TEAM BATTLE BORN VOLUNTEERS NEEDED FOR THE ANNUAL “ROCK & ROLL MARATHON” FOR CHARITY!
Hi Everyone,
It’s that time of year again. Rock & Roll time! Every year we get together progressive groups and fun folks to man water stations at the “Rock & Roll Marathon” charity run. This Sunday it’s time to get out there and support the thousands of runners participating in this run for charity.
It’s a lot of fun and the runners REALLY appreciate us being out there. I was shocked last year at how many bothered to say “thank you” as they grabbed water and sped off.
This year, our team name is our great state’s motto, ‘BATTLE BORN”. As we know from the last election, us progressives are definitely up for battle! We meet really early, but there’ll be plenty of donuts and coffee to keep you energized! We also will be having a no cost raffle that all of our volunteers will be entered in just for participating! The winners will receive one of several prizes including massages and a “Food Healing Party” for 10!
AND we have the only station with a LIVE BAND to entertain us!
Here’s what you need to do in order to sign up. Make sure you sign up with “BATTLE BORN”!
Please follow the link below to sign up for our water station at the 2010 Zappos.com Rock ‘n’ Roll Las Vegas Marathon & ½ Marathon to benefit the Crohn’s & Colitis Foundation of America on December 5, 2010. Please select our group from the Water Station drop-down menu.
Please include your email address when you register because I will be forwarding you parking information and more details via email as the event gets closer.
PLEASE ARRIVE BETWEEN 5:00-5:30AM
CALL 702 576 4978 IF YOU NEED A RIDE
If you have questions, please contact the water station Captains:
Chris Miller at chrisisademocrat@gmail.com 702-576-4978 text or call
Derek Washington at derekisademocrat@gmail.com 702-576-4978 text or call
MOVIES I HAVE NO INTENTION OF SEEING THIS WEEKEND 04 Dec 2010
LOVE AND OTHER DRUGS Starring: That one sorta hot white guy with the eyes too close together that has a not very attractive sister who more than makes up for it because she dresses really cool but I can never remember her name. I think it’s Agnes. Anne “I really know how to pick ‘em” Hathaway. Some white girl.
What It’s About: I really don’t care. I am sure there’s either a fashion montage or a nervous white girl balances coffee as she holds a clipboard running down the hall away from the lecherous Cryptkeeper (Harrison Ford) right before the big moment where she turns in the tape that is going to scoop every show in town. Oh. Wait. That was “Broadcast News”. Never mind. Question? How the H-E-double toothpicks did Annie Hall end up in a movie with The Kryptkeeper? Is it THAT bad for women of “Un Certain Age”? Did he know that any women over the age of 19 would be in a movie with him? I thinketh not. Blechfest!
THIS WEEK ON THE SAUSAGE FACTORY! December 4, 2010 www.vegasallnetradio.com
This week we’re on twice in one day! We’re LIVE from 7am-10am and rebroadcast from 10am – 1pm. (Times are West Coast)
We would love to have your questions answered. If you see someone in the line-up that you would like to ask about something, drop us an email at derekisademocrat@gmail.com or Twitter to @LauraKmm
07:23am Sue Fulton of Knights Out will give us an update of the battle to repeal DADT
07:43 JD Smith gives us the view of DADT from the inside by a service member currently serving
08:12 Rob Smith is a great writer and Veteran who writes for The Huffington Post, After Elton amongst others and is working on a book about his time in the Armed Forces
08:27 Dave Schwartz is the go to guy when it comes to the potential for the legalization of Marijuana in Nevada
08:42 Ari Ezra Waldman is our “Legal Eagle” and he’ll be updating us on all of the latest LGBT related legal issues
09:00 Rock & Roll Marathon is coming to Vegas on Sunday and we’re leading TEAM BATTLE BORN! We’ll give you all the info about this annual charity event
09:14 Mallory Cyr will discuss her activism in matters of immigration reform and issues affecting college students, especially the DREAM ACT
09:28 Michael Flores of Progress Now Nevada will tell us what he’s doing to help people in need and talk about his work on the DREAM ACT
09:43 Steve Walker is a co-chair of the Organizing For America LGBT working group. Steve will be talking to us about the Obama administrations work on LGBT issues and what’s going on in DC these days.
We would love to have your questions answered. If you see someone in the line-up that you would like to ask about something, drop us an email at derekisademocrat@gmail.com or Twitter to @LauraKmm
Being from a little village in the suburban San Gabriel Valley, just 19 miles and 20 years from Los Angeles, I know my burgers.
I also know my fair share of Cholas. But. That's another story.
Entirely.
You see, the famed hamburger joint "In N Out" was born just up the rode from Mi casa in West Covina in El Barrio de Baldwin Park.
Nothing else of note ever came out of Baldwin Park.
Never.
"In N Out" is hands down everyone's fave burger emporium. If you've ever eaten there while, how you say, tipsy, you know what I mean. There's nothing quite like one of their vanilla shakes washing fries down your drunken throat whilst dripping burger juice onto your lap.
And of course, no one who knows "In N Out" orders from the menu.
Of course.
Nope. If you're truly in the know, you order all manner of secret, off the menu specialty burgers.
Well.
Sorry my old "In N Out" amigo, you have been replaced in my life by the new kid on the block. No. Not those white trash dudes from Jersey, or, wherever they're from.
I'm talking Smashburger.
Bitch.
Recently opened in in my new village of Las Vegas, Smashburger is my new fave delicious treat between two buns.
Well. You know what I mean.
For the price of the "Six Dollar Burger" at Carl's Jr you can treat yourself to what is easily the tastiest, juiciest slab of meat covered in egg, bacon and super thin, crispy fried onions (The Sin City Burger). You can also create your own version of a heart attack by just ordering whatever the hell you want
Like a little spice on your meat?
Heh. Heh.
If heat is your game, grab a "Spicy Baja" with pepper jack cheese, guacamole and a muy good-o chipotle mayo. And, no matter what, make sure you order some fried pickles and sweet potato fries.
Yum.
There are other things to order at Smashburger, by the way. What they are, I don't know. I love the burgers so much, I can't seem to get to that side of the menu.
Really.
I swear.
If it's get your grub on time, find your way to the nearest (or furthest, it's that good!) Smashburger pronto! It's "Off The Strip, Worth The Trip" fo sho!
SMASHBURGER LAS VEGAS LOCATIONS:
# 1. Las Vegas W. Lake Mead Blvd & Buffalo Dr. 7541 W. Lake Mead Blvd.
# 2. Las Vegas S Fort Apache Rd. & W Sahara Ave. 9101 W. Sahara
# 3. Las Vegas Centennial Center Blvd. & W Ann Rd 5655 Centennial Center Blvd.
Some people are summer types who wear the tight, deep V-necks from American Apparel and skinny jeans in My Little Pony colors.
I hate those skinny bitches.
Really.
I swear.
I, being of a more “Rubenesque” build, prefer the luxury of layering through the Fall Fashion season. This fall there are some great menswear collections and ways of tying together your look from high end to low end. Your budget (or, lack thereof.) is no longer a reason for one to not be stylish.
In addition to the fab collections, there are some truly horrid looks that simply must be stopped before I end up on “8News Now” for attacking people at The Fashion Show Mall.
Who wants that?
Who?
I ask.
Who?
Let’s start with a look at some of my fave brands this season.
First up is PRADA.
Let’s be honest, for far too long, PRADA tried to make everyone into an early 70’s Stewardess. It was funny. For two seasons. Then it got rather trite. This year PRADA has matured with Hair Cut 100 Sweaters under Camel Hair coats with luxurious Fleece lapels. Camel and Navy are the colors that manage a midway point between “too classic and too edgy” to enable the collection to be worn for more than one season without looking “last year”. Red and Yellow make none too subtle, yet, non-cartoony appearances as well in everything from big plaids to sturdy Macintoshes. For those of you who think of black as an everyday thing, check out the shiny leather driving coats with lush knit collars in the accompanying video, it’s a “MUST HAVE”!
Jeans now have movement instead of clinging to you like Saran Wrap on Iggy Pop. Adult,not, Mommy Jeans! Woo Hoo! “The newest thing in fashion today are clothes that you can wear and that real and sophisticated people can understand”, says Prada’s namesake designer Miuccia.
With Belted Cardigans and sleek Black pants leading the collection, methinks Miuccia has hit the proverbial nail squarely on the noggin.
Marcus Lambkin lives in a Schloss (That's Castle to you.) and is married to the spawn of Counts & Countesses. He also fronts a Krazy Krautsound band called, "Shit Robot". His past includes stints being an apprentice cabinet maker (a boy needs a trade.)and DJ'ing in the hippper than thou clubs of New York.
City, that is.
His debut CD "Cradle To The Rave" is a melange of Krautsound and Lower Eastside white boy Electro beats. His sound is retro, but, not in a cloying "Fanny Pack" sorta way. It's like being in the best basement club in a dodgy 'hood in 1984.
Of course I would have been, oh, six or seven at the time so I'm just imagining.
Really.
I swear.
Debut track "Tuff Enuff" is funkified getting ready to go out and cause some mayhem music to the nth degree. Like a beat heavy Bong rip of really good Kush, it hits you right where they used to do lobotomy's.
Occasionally, Moiself has been known to tip back a glass of Potato juice.
Or.
Four.
Occasionally.
Well.
The Holidays are upon us, and you know what that means.
Don’t you?
No, not fights over Mommy issues.
No, not a couch full of fat farting uncles with their pants open from having gorged on dark meats and sweet potato pie.
No, Mon cheri. No.
HOLIDAYS ARE FOR DRINKING!
Duh.
Well. Master Mixologist Nick Mautone has created a simply brilliant way to celebrate the Holidays with two of my fave ingredients: Grey Goose Vodka & Sweet Potatoes!
Really.
I swear.
So. Let Mom fight with Aunt Carol and pretend not to notice that Uncle Joe is telling that same story about a hooker in Singapore after some war.
Yet. Again.
Scoot past Grandma and grab some handy Holiday ingredients and make yourself (and your cool stoner cousin Sarah who just got out of rehab. Again.) a nice tumbler of Nick Mautone’s “Grey Goose L'Orange Sweet Indulgence”.
Gobble. Gobble.
Recipe courtesy of Luxist.com
Grey Goose L'Orange Sweet Indulgence 1 ½ parts Grey Goose L'Orange Flavored Vodka ½ part Vanilla Brandy or Liqueur 1 part lime juice ¼ part maple or simple syrup ¼ part molasses 1 tbsp roasted or mashed sweet potato
In the bottom of a cocktail shaker, place the syrup, molasses and sweet potato. Muddle gently. Add the ice and the remaining ingredients. Shake vigorously. Double-strain into a tumbler and garnish.
Its my Chickie Girl Rachel Wenman’s 25th bday and the hizzouse will be kicking out the jams with Dj88 and M!KEATTACK. This is going to be the most insane party I promise you have ever been to (not me, you, don’t get it twisted). 944 magazine will be sponsoring the event as well, muy tastyiosa free drinks and rooms rates so low you don’t have to go back to your Mom’s place if you hook up. You can have a sleepover! COMPED ENTRY FOR ALL OF RACHEL WENMAN’S GUESTS!
HERE’S MISS AMANDA BLANK ! If you’re nice, she “Might Like You Better”!
The PlayBoy Club Palms Resort & Casino 4321 West Flamingo Road Las Vegas, NV 89103
Moiself has oft been known to "come close to the edge", "grate on the last..","if you___with me one more time.." And "..on thin ice Missy!"
Really.
I swear.
Well.
Thin ice or thick (ooh, dirty), there is a great deal going on that you have only 13 hours left to take advantage of to get your Tonya Harding on.
Skate on over (Ugh, that was beneath me. Speaking of beneath me, where's the dog?) to Moi's fave place to score a deal (No, not those scary streets behind the Stratosphere!),"LIVING SOCIAL presents Las Vegas" and click on to one of the best deals in town.
For a mere $17 (US) you and three of your teamlettes can get skates and entry to The Las Vegas Ice Center!
It's true!
Just sign up with "LIVING SOCIAL presents Las Vegas" for this and a whole gaggle of holiday savings!
Starring: A bunch of really pissed off Strong and Angry Black Women. Gender Neutral Oscar winner Whoopi Goldberg.
What It's About: In a nutshell. All Black men exist simply to get on a Sistah's nerves.
Why I Have No Intention Of Seeing It: Two. Words. Lorena Bobbit.
DUE DATE
Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Jamie "Black Dudes With Iphones" Fox, Juliette "You Fuckers just thought my career was over! Drink my crazy juice fuckers!" Lewis, some white girl and that hairy guy that white guy hipsters think is really funny, but, isn't to anyone who can't quote The Big Lebowski.
I'm proud to say that I can't.
Quote The Big Lebowski.
That is.
What It's About: Have you ever seen ANY "odd couple buddy" movies? Someone's wife is about to spew forth progeny (who knew Robert Downey Jr. still had any sober sperm left?). Along the way The Sperminator meets up with that hella annoying hairy dude (no, not that Phoenix freak.) and hilarity ensues.
No it doesn't.
Blech.
Why I Have No Intention Of Seeing It: I don't like hairy people and Juliette Lewis scares me worse than John Wayne Gacey Clown portraits.
JACKASS 3D
Starring: A bunch of really annoying white boys.
What It's About: Attaching things to other dudes ball sacs and not thinking it's totally homo to be doing it.
Why I Have No Intention Of Seeing It: It's totally homo.
I like to pride myself on my ability to tell what's on a person's mind.
Really.
I swear.
For example; if I am on a date at a Steakhouse and I am looking at the right side of the menu where the Surf & Turf is, I know my date is thinking, "WTF! How much is this gonna cost me!?"
Or.
If I am eyeballing a pair of striped trousers, the salesgirl is more than likely thinking, "Really? Are you kidding me, or, yourself thinking about putting all that in those?"
See?
Well.
There's a man coming back to our little village Las by the name of Alain Nu and he's even better at the whole "I know what you're thinking" thing than even Moiself.
“My show challenges the mind to explore how we are all strangely connected through a mysterious energy,” said Alain Nu.
I have no idea what that means, but, ooooh.
Alain Nu has performed for Al Gore and at Presidential Inaugural Balls. He is also one of the hottest new releases over at Amazon with his new page turner,“Picture Your ESP! — Reveals Your Hidden Powers with The Nu ESP Test”. The Washington Post wrote of Alain,"To watch him is to throw out all the rules of physics. Time and space are malleable in Nu′s deft hands".
Oh. My.
“Nothing is impossible in my world,” says Alain Nu. “Think about it. With just our thoughts and words as tools of visualization, we have the beginnings of untold power.”
Okay.
Yeah, I don't know what that means either, but, this is one way out Cat for sure!
While he is reluctant to reveal his especially sensitive powers, Alain Nu acknowledges that his uncanny effects incorporate elements of probability, psychology, suggestion, professional techniques and good timing.
Ooooh, sounds like fun!
Well. I have no idea what you are doing on Saturdays during Alain Nu's exclusive Las Vegas run (What? I'm not getting paid to read YOUR mind!), but, I do know that you are wasting a perfectly good Saturday night if you aren't checking out Alain Nu at his "Invisible Connections" ESP show at the historic Clarion Hotel for the next six weeks.
Wasting. A. Perfectly. Good. Saturday. Night. I. Say.
So. Get out your wig hat and your high heel sneakers and plush on down to the show at The Clarion Hotel & Casino, 305 Convention Center Drive. Doors open at 9:40 p.m. and cocktail service will be available before and during the performance.
Tickets are $54.99 General Admission and $65.99 VIP Seating. Tickets and more information are available online at www.TheManWhoKnows.TV
Invisible Connections starring Alain Nu The Clarion Hotel 305 Convention Center Drive (just off the Strip) Saturdays @ 10pm
SATURDAY 30 OCTOBER 10AM -1PM www.vegasallnetradio.com
Hour 1 Steven Thrasher on how White America finally lost it and what’s so bad about Lt. Dan Choi. (Dan Choi was invited and accepted to be on this weeks show, but, never got back to us to be scheduled, maybe next week Dan?)
Ari Ezra Waldman with a DADT update and the latest on the election scene in Cali.
Hour 2 Cathy Renna on sexism and misogyny in the LGBT movement and issues affecting women such as DADT.
Ron Laurence from the Community Counseling Center of Las Vegas telling us how we all can help queer at risk youth.
Hour 3 Doug Harris is the Producer of “The Glenn Burke Story” about one man’s struggle to be a Gay man and still be part of America’s Pastime, baseball.
Paco Alvarez will fill us in on where to get your Freak & Squeak on this Halloween here in The City That Never Sleeps.
Jane Heenan will talk about whether or not it’s time for Derek to change the tune on Ask A Tranny.
Political News Entertainment News Twitter Trenz with @LauraKMM
SATURDAY 30 OCTOBER 10AM -1PM www.vegasallnetradio.com
GUILT FREE GLAM WITH BRITTANY WILLIAMS MISS NEVADA 2010
FX You Salon & Spa will join with Miss Nevada 2010, Brittany Williams, to raise funds and awareness for CHILD FOCUS a non-profit organization providing education, case management and the tools children in the foster care system will need to help them become strong and productive adults in their community.
Great raffle prizes and a luxurious silent auction will take place at chic FX You Salon and Spa along with Happy Hour cocktails.
All proceeds will go to Child Focus.
GUILT FREE GLAM at Fx You Salon and Spa 5:30 to 8:30 Thursday 21 October at FX You Salon & Spa 7020 North Durango, Las Vegas, NV 89149
Media Contact: Alptamise L. Hailey-Hinds 702.528.0757
HONORING FRANNY FORSMAN Federal Public Defender for the District of Nevada
Saturday 16, October 16, 2010
MUNDO A Culinary Haute Hot Spot
Six to Nine pm
The World Market Center 495 S Grand Central pkwy Bldg A
You may not know this, but, Moiself is a great defender of Liberties.
I take them often.
Really.
I swear.
I also am rather fond of celebrating.
Anything.
I will jump and down at a Stucky’s Grand Opening if they are giving away tiny little tasty bits.
And booze.
Tonight, the ACLU of Nevada is having a rather special little celebration at one of Moi’s favorite little palaces of tasty bits, Mundo Restaurant. It seems that the ACLU is holding a party to honor not only it’s own 90th birthday (Wow 90 years! They’ve been defending Liberties longer than I’ve been taking them!), they are also honoring a true defender of Liberty.
Not me.
I came in second runner up.
I can never win a contest that includes both swimsuit & congeniality.
Franny Forsman is being honored with the Emilie Wanderer Civil Libertarian Award.
I didn’t want it anyway, there’s no Crown. Or Sash.
Franny’s hard work is the essence of American Patriotism. As a defender of the Liberties that make this country the place that billions of people around the world look up to and admire.
They do.
Well. Tonight Franny will be the star attraction at what promises to be a perfectly lovely evening at MUNDO Restaurant and you really should comb your hair and come out for Liberty.
And Franny Forsman.
Et Liberte.
That’s French.
See you tonight!
DEFENDING LIBERTY Honoring Franny Forsman
MUNDO Restaurant six to nine pm
The World Market Center 495 S Grand Central pkwy Bldg A
Tickets $175 rsvp 702-366-1536 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 702-366-1536 end_of_the_skype_highlighting at www.aclunv.org or in cash or by check at the door
THE SAUSAGE FACTORY Saturday 16, October 10am – 1pm (West Coast Time)
www.vegasallnetradio.com
12:23 Ross Levi Empire State Pride Agenda with the latest on Carl “WTF?” Paladino
10:40 Ari Ezra Waldman on where are we on DADT
11 Rory Reid the Democratic candidate for Governor of Nevada on his race and debating a phantom candidate..
11:23 Jon Ralston is Nevada’s premier pundit with a rundown of the Harry Reid vs Sharron Angle debate.
11:46 Peter Gariano is running against (alleged) homophobe John Bonaventura for Las Vegas Constable and possibly causing Derek to vote Republican for the first time ever.
12:13 Robert Randolph is the author of “You’ll Never Spa In This Town Again” a no holds barred rundown on which Hollywood “A-Listers” are getting the rubdown in steamrooms around the City of Angels.
12:30 Bonnie Jacobs is our little “Murder She Wrote” with her findings on John Ventura and his messy and murky past.
12:45 Mara Keisling is on hand to tell us why our “Ask A Tranny” segment is not exactly kosher.
THE SAUSAGE FACTORY Saturday 16, October 10am – 1pm (West Coast Time)
MOVIES I HAVE NO INTENTION OF SEEING THIS WEEKEND WALL ST: MONEY NEVER SLEEPS
Starring: Michael “The Cryptkeeper” Douglas and that one guy from those stupid car movies with my favorite really hot bad actress Megan Fox. Some white girl. What It’s About: Evidently Douglas gets out of prison after years of being a power bottom whilst missing the whole Bush lying us into war era. He decides to get back into the same shiz that got his old ass sent away in the first place.
Can I be totally honest?
Who gives freakin’ frogs balls what this movie is about? You know why I hope this movie makes hella bank? Because fifty cents of every dollar Douglas makes goes to his ex Diandra or whatever the hell her name was. Its total “fuck you” pay.
Go see it. Pay full price.
DEVIL (2010)
Starring: I haven’t the foggiest. Nor. Do. I. Care.
What It’s About: Did I ever tell you about the time I farted in an elevator and from the third floor until I got off at the tenth floor, I kept giving dirty looks to this fat delivery guy?
I didn’t?
Pity.
This movie is that kind of uncomfortable. Imagine being stuck in an elevator with the casts of Jersey Shore and Kim from The Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Imagine.
Probably more intellectually interesting than this dreck.
LEGEND OF THE GUARDIANS: THE OWLS OF GA’HOOLE
Starring: Charlotte Rae, Kanye West, Valerie Bertinelli, Anne Heche and Zac Efron. What It’s About: Charlotte Rae runs a low end bordello on the wrong side of the tracks just south of Vegas in this movie based on “A Very Special Episode of Blossom”. When business gets bad the fight over tricks gets intense inside “The Sagging Tit Ranch & Rib Shack”. Tension rises with the arrival of new meat, Zac Efron as “Little Bitch”. He and Kanye West (as an aging hustler on the wane) enter into a battle to the death during a long, hot Labor Day weekend for the only trick to show up, Valerie Bertinelli (Oscar Calling!).
Spoiler Alert! This movie ends with Bertinelli running away from the ranch like a virgin at a prison riot when she realizes that Soylent Green is people and Anne Heche (in a scene stealing cameo as a Lesbian Carmelite Nun) is serving it up naked!
CHRIS MILLER IS 50! (Really. I Swear. Cut him in half and count the rings.)
So, My bestie, Chris Miller, is (finally) having his 50th birthday party.
That's him in the picture above.
On the right.
Anyways, we are going to be celebrating his 50 years on planet Earth and his general ,uh, goodness (?) on this Sunday 10 October from 6-9pm in the garden at The Bar Bistro (The Arts Factory) 107 e Charleston 89104 at Casino Center.
Come and enjoy some cake and small finger type food thingees whilst watching me revel in the age difference between myself and Chris.
Did I write that out loud?
My bad.
The Garden at Bar Bistro is accessible to those with disabilities, so, all are encouraged to join us. We will have a full cash bar, and yes, the birthday boy does expect to be bought copious amount of adult beverages.
While we're on the subject.
We were.
On the subject.
The birthday boy will be receiving a REALLY cool gift on Sunday morning. It MUST STAY A SUPER SECRET! If you would like to be there for that gift, please email me and I will give you the details. BUT, no matter what, PLEASE join us for cake and booze from 6-9pm.
Btw, the birthday boy would love it if someone would get him a gift certificate to Target.
He needs underwear and socks.
He TOLD me that!
I would have no way of knowing otherwise.
WE ARE NOT TOGETHER.
But, he would make a fine catch for someone worthy of him.
He makes me say that.
Questions?
No?
Good.
CHRIS TURNS 50 SUNDAY 10 OCTOBER The Garden at Bar Bistro (The Arts Factory) 107 E Charleston blvd 89104 Contact via text Derek 702 576 4978 Sandy 702 400 3613
Monday, October 4 • 6:00pm – 8:30pm ________________________________________ Location Bar Bistro (outdoor patio) at The Arts Factory 107 E. Charleston Blvd. Las Vegas, NV 89104 ________________________________________ ________________________________________ During the month of September over half a dozen LGBTQ youth, unable to bear the brunt of constant bullying, committed suicide, or, were attacked and injured.
Stonewall's October meeting will instead be a community town hall co-hosted by QVegas Magazine to tackle this issue and to let our youth know "It Gets Better".
We will be joined by:
Congresswoman Dina Titus State Senator David Parks A Statement From Senate Majority Leader, Senator Harry Reid Nevada State Democrat Party chairman Sam Lieberman Cindy Reid (Wife of Gubernatorial Candidate Rory Reid) Kristine Kuzemka Justice of The Peace Candidate Kelly MacFarlane-Smith QVegas Magazine Candice Nichols Gay & Lesbian Center of Southern Nevada Mel Goodwin Gay & Lesbian Center of Southern Nevada Karen Grayson Stonewall Director of Transgender Outreach Adan Campos MECHA Nathaniel Phillipps GLSEN & Stonewall Director of Youth Outreach Malory Cyr Activist Xuan Carlos Espinoza-Cuellar Writer & Activist J.Son Dinant of Qvegas Magazine Eliza Naomi Abrams from Green Valley High School will perform a monologue from the Laramie Project. Coree Davis also from Green Valley High School will perform “Kiss The Air”.
We hope you can join us and provide input to help us put an end to the bullying and the hurt and start the healing. You’ll also be able to make your own “It Gets Better” video to give encouragement to kids everywhere.
Any questions? lvstonewalldems@gmail.com
*It Gets Better Project is a YouTube channel set up by blogger Dan Savage. You can upload a video to reach out to LGBTQ youth. Share your story so that they can see that it does get better. http://www.youtube.com/user/itgetsbetterproject
Other than a short "Adult Art" Pelicula I may have made in Tijuana, Moi's knowledge of Pelicula Latino is rather limited.
Rather.
Limited.
That is about to change.
Really. I swear.
Tonight, the 7th Annual Las Vegas Latino Short Film Festival is in La Casa!
The Springs Preserve's Big Springs Theater is the site of this years celebration of Latino Short films. If you are interested in spending a nice evening filling your head with the latest in Latino film magic, this is your kind of event.
And mine.
The soiree starts at 6pm with a rather lovely Catered by Wolfgang Puck grub grab followed by a silent auction and raffles to raise funds for the Latino arts community, which are sorely needed.
The big fun starts with the first screening at 7pm and continues on to 930pm.
7th Annual Las Vegas Latino Short Film Festival Big Springs Theatre, Springs Preserve 333 So. Valley View Blvd.
THE SAUSAGE FACTORY 02 OCTOBER 2010 10am – 1pm (West Coast Time) www.vegasallnetradio.com
Hola! It’s been a very sad week in LGBTQ land. The completely needless death of Rutgers student Tyler Clementi was the latest in a string of deaths of LGBTQ young people who took their own lives because of the stupidity of others.
The Sausage Factory this week is dedicated to all of those who just couldn’t take it anymore.
Tyler Clementi Asher Brown Raymond Chase Billy Lucas Justin Aaberg And all the kids everywhere who have been bullied and harassed because of who they are.
This weeks guests:
Educator & activist AJ O'Reilly will co-host with us.
Get Equals Michelle Wright with news from what activists around the country are doing to help keep our kids safe from bullies.
“Legal Eagle” Ari Ezra Waldman on what charges the people who led Tyler Clementi to take his life may face.
Nevada State Senator David Parks will tell us legislation to help keep kids safe.
Washington’s ultimate “insider” Steve Hildebrand
Shannon Cuttle joins us again on the urgent need for movement on the Safe Schools Improvement Act.
Live reports from the big march in DC by Natasha Dillon & Vito
As always, “Ask a Tranny”.
Paco Alvarez leaves his SkyPad in Downtown Vegas to tell us what’s going on in the city that never sleeps.
And Paul Soileau aka “Christeene” the filthiest drag queen since Divine!
Of course The Sausage Factory wouldn’t be complete without LauraKMM’s “Twitter Trendz”.
Starring: You can't possibly care? Right? No. Really?
What it's about: Facebook. I'm slowly wishing I was dying from my own bile.
Let's get real, we all have Facebook pages. Well. I do. I never really bother to see if anyone else has one.
I mean, why?
I'm so interesting.
After all.
Why bother?
Speaking of why bother.
We were.
Why bother with a movie about Facebook?
I get it free.
Everyday.
And I'm so much more interesting.
So.
Why bother? LET ME IN Starring: Lindsay Lohan, Huggy Bear and Justin Bieber.
What it's about: Lindsay Lohan (between imprisonments and rehab) stars as a girl who never seems to sleep or get cold outside at night. In the winter. Huggy Bear makes his big screen comeback as a creepy drag queen named Pinga Tu Madre who lives in a basement apartment upstairs from Lohan.
Justin Bieber is the unnaturally well hung Lesbian who befriends Lohan only to find out that she is secretly smoking his dope when he goes to junior high everyday. High on tweak and without panties, Lohan wreaks havoc at a local bowling alley where Puta Tu Madre works nights as a security guard.
All turns out well when the cops bust Lohan (yet again) and Bieber and Puta run off to Sinaloa where their love will be accepted, and Bieber can be closer to his connect.
Ok.
I have no idea and no desire to know what this movie is about.
YOU AGAIN Starring: Jamie Lee Curtis, Betty White, and a bunch of other white people. What It's About: Transgender star Jamie Lee Curtis is a victim of Pelvic Inflammatory Disease in this NSFW comedy. Betty White plays her (his?) Doctor with a taste for hooch.
Hilarity ensues as Jamie Lee asks, "Which one of you Bitches is my Mother?"
I know that when one thinks of Moi, one usually thinks bottle service, VIP lounges with minor local celebrities and massive quantities of Aleve.
But.
One would be surprised to find out that I am actually a rather well read Gay in The Village of Las.
One would.
Not only have I read 14 volumes of Winston Churchill's War Diaries, I am proud to have read such tomes as Zsa Zsa Gabor's autobiography (she lost it to a Sultan in 1814 or something), Suzanne Somers books, and pretty much every book with pictures since Jack went up that hill.
Suprised?
Quelle. (That's "we've never won a war", you know, French.)
Well.
On Thursday 30 September, the ACLU is hosting an event for the cells upstairs.
"Uncensored Voices: Celebrating Literary Freedom" is a celebration of all that was once considered bad.
Much like Moi.
Considered bad. That is.
Can you imagine that American legends like Allen Ginsberg and that Burroughs fellow were once considered so risque that they were BANNED?
Can.
You.
Imagine?
Of course, being banned makes everyone want to run out and possess whatever has been banned. Witness my popularity in certain suburbs of Bucharest.
Well.
If you have any good Colombian ,or, possibly a Quaalude you found in an old pair of Bonjour jeans in the back of your closet, you simple must get theeself down to The Clark County Library (it's a place where they keep books. You know. BOOKS.) for this groovy event for the cerebellum.
Here's a list of some of those bringing the Kulcha to our Village Las:
...--Iranian author Moniro Ravanipour, reading from her novel An Angel on Earth. --Las Vegas author Dayvid Figler, reading from Howl, by Allen Ginsberg --Flo Rogers (Nevada Public Radio), reading from 1984, by George Orwell --Kim Russell (Smith Center for the Performing Arts), reading from The Pocketbook Game by Alice Childress --Georgia Neu (Anti-Defamation League), reading from Mrs. Warren's Profession by George Bernard Shaw --Dr. Amanda Morgan (Erotic Heritage Museum) --Professor Timothy O'Grady (Black Mountain Institute Bennett Fellow) --Local philanthropist Beverly Rogers, reading from The Color Purple --Activist Xuan Carlos Espinoza-Cuellar, reading from Bless Me, Ultima by Rudolfo Anaya --Students from the Green Valley High School theater department, with monologues from The Laramie Project
I'm exhausted from just thinking about all that talent sharing air avec Moi! (that's "our women do not need to shave the hair of their underarms!" You know, French.)
The event will take place during the American Library Association’s Banned Books week, which runs from September 25-October 2nd, 2010. Programs are held across the country each year to draw attention to the many well-known and well-loved literary works that are frequently challenged or banned in communities nationwide.
Uncensored Voices will be a compelling and entertaining evening that teaches everyone about the real risks of censorship in society, both past and present.
Event Details: • Thursday, September 30; Reception at 7PM, Program at 7:30PM • Clark County Library Theater, 1401 E. Flamingo Road, Las Vegas • Free admission & refreshments • Sponsored by the Vegas Valley Book Festival, the ACLU of Nevada, the Las Vegas-Clark County Library District, and UNLV's Black Mountain Institute.
There's one secret only a select few know about Moiself.
No, not the time I was deported from Her Majesty's Kingdom.
Oops.
Two secrets.
Well. The truth of the matter is that in spite of my rather, how we say, saucy reparte (that's stinky cheese eater, you know French), I am actually quite, um, prudish.
Yup. It's true Selena Gomez, I am rather squeamish when it comes down to the actual messy messy thing.
You. Know. Sex.
I blush whilst writing at the mere thought of chains, whips, diuretics and cheap motels south of The Luxor.
Uh.
I digress.
Where was I?
Oh. Yes. Sex.
So. When the sexy et urbane J.D. Jensen invited Moiself and my bestie Chris Miller to see the long running production "Naked Boys Singing" at the Onyx Theater, I blushed as Chris jumped at the chance to see danglies mere feet in front of us.
As the show started I got that feeling one gets going up in a roller coaster that you only got on to please the guy that you ended up leaving after he screamed like a little Bitch during the 2 minutes 35 that the ride took to go all the way through.
Was that a dangling participle?
Speaking of dangling, Oh My Gawd Chandler Bing!
Right there. On stage.
Penis's. Peni? Penises?
Big. Small. In between.
Goldilocks could have been there forever trying to make a decision.
Honestly. When am I not?
Rhetorical question.
Bitch.
I spent the first twenty minutes trying to look anywhere but straight ahead. I can tell you about the pianist, the curtains and the back of the panting man in the front rows head.
Anything but the peen.
Then, as if by magic, I began to realize something.
These boys could sing!
Not only sing, but, sing little ditties about Robert Mitchum and being "The Best Little Porn Star from Skokie, Illinois"! They had me laughing and,occasionally, ready to get misty with their renditions.
There were funny songs, melancholy odes to the love that got away ,but, never went away and even a really clever number that reduced all of the wangs nicknames into a rousing little anthem complete with choir robes.
Well.
Not actually robes. More like the little stringy things that go around the necks of altar boys.
No, silly, not priests fingers!
I had to.
Really.
I swear.
Tee. Hee.
I guess what I'm saying is that if you like great singing and well written songs along with gratuitous weenie, then you simply must go see "Naked Boys Singing."
You.
Simply.
Must.
A word. To the wise.
Don't sit in the front row.
It's the splash zone.
Ooooh.
NAKED BOYS SINGING
THE ONYX THEATER 953 E SAHARA (IN THE COMMERCIAL CENTER IN THE RACK CLOTHING STORE) 89104
Performances Friday / Saturday / Sunday
Hint: Get a season pass to The Onyx and see several shows for the price of one overpriced Clowns on a high wire doing acrobatics acid trip on The Strip show.
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